attityood, sentuhments, & more

In Memoriam: Veronica (April 6, 1963 - June 9, 2011)

2011-06-27T20:56:00.003-04:00

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To RSVP or Not to RSVP: That is a No-Brainer Question

2011-04-25T11:30:00.002-04:00

RSVP: répondez s'il vous plaît, meaning “reply please” or "please respond". Simply put: whether you plan to attend the occasion or not, you have to respond out of courtesy.
It takes a lot of effort, time, and sweat -- not to mention "muhlah" -- to plan an event. Therefore, acknowledgement of the invite should be given in return. It is called etiquette/ decorum /propriety.

Etiquette, decorum, propriety imply observance of the formal requirements governing behavior in polite society. Etiquette refers to conventional forms and usages: the rules of etiquette. Decorum suggests dignity and a sense of what is becoming or appropriate for a person of good breeding. Propriety (usually plural) implies established conventions of morals and good taste. (Retrieved 15april2011 from the website http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/etiquette)

If someone invites you to their event, it means they honor your presence. If they take the time to include you in their guest list, it is just appropriate that you also take the time to respond whether you can make it or not. Really... how much time will responding take? Five minutes at the most, if you are the meticulous kind! Is that too much to ask for someone who holds you in regard?
Many times in the past when I plan an event and invite people, I would hear them say that they don't know what their plans are in the future; hence they cannot give an answer if they can make it to the event or not. Such disposition means: they are NOT interested. If they were otherwise, they would make the event a "plan for the future". Not responding or ignoring the invite for the while also sends the message that they would like to keep their options open in case some better opportunity presents itself. Ergo, it is clear that the host/hostess is insignificant or worthless. (What a shame!) By ignoring the invite, they are also ignoring the person behind the invite. (Wait. My evil twin has a more cynical conclusion: "so you think you are too good for my party that's why you disregard my invite?! Alright then, down you go to my schittlist!! Hah!!)

My rule of thumb: no response means NO. Maybe means NO. Arrangements will only be made to those who RSVP'd YES!

In conclusion, I find it rude or impolite to ignore an RSVP. On the other hand, it is equally rude and impolite if you reply YES and don't show or reply NO and then show -- good luck finding your seat!! LoL.

Hello It's Me Again

2011-02-05T20:30:00.000-05:00

Let's face it. Life is boring without its drama. Life itself, indeed, IS drama.

Drama is our feelings reenacted. Drama is not only about woes and grief and lamentation. Drama is also about joy and fear and longing and surprise... everything that we feel. But what makes it dramatic is the conflict built into it.

Let's leave it at that because I am not writing about drama. I am writing about the drama within the drama. Get my drift?

For a while now I've been fighting against the drama of my life. You know... the things we call stress. I secluded myself from the outside because it felt safe to stay in the inside. Each time I try to feel the outside, I find myself battling the hurdles that lurk out there. And so... I go back to the safety of my shell.

However, it is not until now that I realize there is no difference between the inside and the outside. What is inside is exactly the same as outside. No. Let me rephrase that. What is inside is hurtful than the outside.

Why?

Because outside, where the drama is exposed and luxuriously laid out for our indulgement, there is the ability to interact. There are choices. We can think and think and think... and then act upon those thoughts. With a little luck, the drama might go away. If not... oh well. Life goes on.

On the other hand... Inside... all we can do is think. Nothing more. Inside, although we believe (or try to believe), that no harm will befall us, theer is nothing we can do. We are entrapped in this box made up of the thoughts from the outside. And what do we think about? What else but the drama we are eluding from from the outside.

Back to earth.

Today I feel alive. (Hang on... Did I die?)
The senses from which I have alienated myself from, are now all back to embrace me. The feelings are back in action. I am happy. I am sad. I am angry. I am excited. I am surprised. I am bewildered.

What am I trying to say? Really... what is my point?

Nothing.

I just wanted to write. Is that a crime? (Hah! gotcha!)

Well... Look at it this way: One door closes... another one opens. AND... as an added feature... the little window of opportunity shows some light. Amen to that.

2010-10-28T00:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes words are better left unspoken so as not to scar for life.
Sometimes memories are better left at its happiest peak; rather than push for more... only to find out you're at the end of a cliff.
Sometimes honesty is not the answer for it may not justify the end, no matter how you elaborate or candy-coat the means.
Sometimes I wish I had never made that wish -- to dig and dig to reach the bottom.

It is disconcerting, to say the least.

What is the Right Thing to Do?

2010-10-11T03:01:00.000-04:00

“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.” Judith M. Knowlton - Author

“It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.” Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862); Naturalist, Author, Philosopher

“The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.” H. Norman Schwarzkopf (born 1934); American General

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” Randy Pausch (1960-2008);Professor, Author

“Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen.” Peter Marshall

“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882); Poet

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” Tyron Edwards - Theologian

“There is no problem unless we choose to make it one, so think carefully before you act.” David Marshall (born 1957); Nurse

“Be careful of your actions. You never know when you're creating a memory.” Ricki Lee Jones (born 1954); Singer, Songwriter

I still cannot sleep. It's 2:37 a.m. on October 11, 2010. Again I say: keeping my eyes shut whilst random thoughts wander in my mind is worse than the throbbing pain in my leg.
I reached for the pain killer. A couple more days and the drug will expire. It doesn't matter. It's still a pain killer for me. Anything that will alleviate this pain is better than nothing.

It is the right thing to do, isn't it? To put myself in bed and try to snag that sleep to do away with the pain.

Ah. But it is more than just physical pain. It is emotional pain. It is quite disturbing rather than mentally discombobulating. Yeah. It's that bad. (Or so, I think... in this time of night -- or day?)

The clock ticked another hour. Has it been that long since I got up from bed to scribble a thing or two?

I suppose I should get these thoughts down into writing and get it over with.

Straight to the point: I am scared of you.

The drug is taking its toll now. I am starting to drift way...

Facebook "HA HA" Drama

2010-09-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

Quotes of quotes: (sometimes they do make sense!)

"If someone seriously wants to be part of your life, they will seriously make an effort to be in it."

"Never make anyone a priority in your life when they will only make you an option in theirs."

"Love is only a word until you find someone to give it a definition"

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

“If we keep doing what we're doing, we're going to keep getting what we're getting.”

..and my favorite..coz I can just picture it:

"Laughing so hard you clap like a retarded seal" AH AH AHAHHAHAHAH!!!

I Blog My Blogs

2010-09-29T21:54:00.001-04:00

I've been waiting for this moment. It's been quite a "long" moment, as a matter of fact. This moment when I could sit down, focus, and write again.

I looked back at the drafts of blogs I started. Hah! None of them made any sense. I guess it's because during those times, I wasn't really in the mood. They were not the "moments".

So... in between debating whether I should spend this weekend watching movies or doing some 'work', the 'moment' came to me. Oh, it didn't just come by ... it came through memories of the past.

How is that? Thank you, Facebook!! I found pictures of old "old" friends and they brought memories of days past. Good, bad, happy, sad...

It's amazing how pictures can bring you back to another dimension... and then there is that smile on your face. Wow... "they" have grown. Uhhh... and to some: My goodness, "they" have grown OLD! ha ha ha! Oh forgive me. I have grown OLD too, that I will admit. And that "oh my goodness" phrase -- that wasn't meant to be malicious in any way. It's just sort'a amusing, to say the least... to see friends who moulded and affected your life once upon a time.

As I look at these pictures again, I can't help but feel a carousel of emotions. Only in my mind could I go back to the days that once were... and one by one recreate the scenes. I smile... sometimes giggle. I smirk, I frown in dismay. I gasp and say "Oh my God... did I do that?!" Hah! There's a story to every snapshot. I wish I could post those pictures and tell the story. That would be absolutely awesome!! But as it is, I could only reminisce and savor the memories.

Ah. Those were the days. The youthful days when all I thought about was how I could sneak away from my grandmother's watchful eye. I needed to "touch bases" with my friends. Not that I'd be grounded (there's no such thing as 'grounding' when I was growing up)... rather, worse than that. I got to listen to my nana's 'blah-blah-blah' for what it seemed like a friggn' whole day! I'd rather get grounded. At least, I could do something. hah!

Anyhoots. So much for the memento pictures. It was fun while it lasted.

That was yesterday. Today is today.

Today is when I have to deal with my tribulations -- these afflictions that agonize me day in and day out like an incurable plague. (What a sudden change of aura, don't you think?!)

I'm starting to believe that I was born with a twin. A twin entity called Drama! It's because everywhere I go, in everything I do, Drama follows me around. And guess what? It's pretty annoying!

I suppose I am the one who's creating my own drama for the sake of drama itself. For instance, I could have just bit my tongue and not say anything that would cause antipathy between myself and another person. But lo and behold! I needed to spat to break the monotony of the time being. And there you go -- the drama begins. That must be my alter ego.

You see... there are two MEs. I mean, one meanie me, and one goodie me. The meanie me is the one who loves the controversy. The one who can't stay put even for one minute. The one who crazes for notoriety; there could be no higher accolade than to be known a "meanie"!

The goodie me, on the other hand is the one who sulks in dismay at meanie me. The one who scrambles to accomplish a hundred things in one day and then despairs when the day ends without having completed the list! The one who is (ugh!) sentimental beyond compare. Yeah -- the one who gets pushed around by meanie me -- but the one who DOES save meanie me from all confound, if not devastating, situations.

Back to my point. This is why there is this sudden change of temperament. The goodie me started this blog with a simple nostalgia, then meanie me took over and wella!

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” ~Milton Berle

First and foremost in my mind: I am in pain. (I do not mean physical pain. Although I am indeed still in pain as I speak). Or is it fear? What kind of pain it is -- I do not know. Whether it be the pain of sorrow, the pain of doubt, the pain of failure or fear itself -- I cannot define it.

Each night I pray to the High and Almighty that I find answers to the questions that have been lingering in my mind for so long. Questions that, perhaps, cause these pain. Where have I gone wrong? Or what did I do wrong? Is this some form of chastisement... an emotional beating?

No. It is not pain. Rather, it is fear! How do I know now? Because I do. I just do!

I fear the loss of compassion, of patience, of civility. Over and over again I try to fight this inner conflict -- to no avail. I didn't give up. I just stopped trying.

Clemency turned belligerence. That's how it is now. I seem to have lost the strength to uphold the virtues -- though few they may be.

Why is this?

Because I am needing. There is a hole in my heart that grows profusely like weed, infusing scorned sentiments and chaos in my mind. What once was certitude has now turned into doubt and ambiguity. I begin to challenge what the conscience dictates. What is sense and sensibility when the faculties are numb and there is nothing left to feel?

I truly am not making sense, am I? I speak in a language that only myself understands.

Temptation towards everything that I've been fighting against, I can see now, is lurking; creeping furtively so that it can snatch me defenseless at my lowest point - when I am devoid of power. That is why I am needing. I am in such a state of exigency that I fear of losing this battle against depravation.

Enough of this. My head is painfully throbbing. And sensibly so, my leg is starting to hurt again.

Again I say:
It doesn't make sense. I don't think I am making any sense at all. But I needed to write. Something. Anything. Just to jump-start my brain at least. All these thoughts crowding my mind --- and the only avenue to vent I know is to write. So write I DID. Sense or no sense. Does it matter?

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

Random Thoughts

2010-07-12T23:49:00.000-04:00

“Patience is a kind of love. A love that is its own explanation in bewildered circumstance. It is an old, old woman placing a wrinkled-parchment hand against the cheek of a reckless child. Because her heart is too wise to make room for reproach. Too full to find place for offense. ”
Pavithra Mehta

The Reverse

2010-06-22T23:56:00.002-04:00

Below is a writing by Neil Gaiman; American novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Now... I am going to write something that is the opposite of the above. Here goes:

I am in love.

No. It isn't horrible like how most people think it is.

I am in love.

No, it is not because I am vulnerable. It is because it opened my chest and it opened my heart. And it means that someone got inside me, not to mess me up, but to make me whole.

I built up my defenses... a whole suit of armor -- so that nothing can hurt me. But this person, immensely different from any other person, wandered into my life. I gave him a piece of me and then I gave him all of me.

He didn't ask for it. He just did something sweet one day.. he kissed me and smiled at me.. and then my life isn't mine anymore. Love didn't make me a hostage. It just got inside of me. It made me happy so that I am no longer crying in the darkness, so that so simple a phrase like "we belong together" is a far cry from what I used to hear before I fell in love. The phrase "maybe we should just be friends" that turned into a splinter that worked into my heart, is no longer something that I fear to hear... because I know I will never hear it ever again.

I don't hurt anymore... like before.

I love. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-love, a real "gets-inside-you-and-makes-you-whole" kind of love. I love love.

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Hunger for Light

2010-06-22T22:38:00.000-04:00

Written By Julie Redstone from The Sacred Journey of the Soul

The symptoms of depression vary from person to person but have enough commonality to have acquired the dimensions of a syndrome or diagnostic picture.

Nevertheless, as solid and as real as this picture may seem, what often underlies it is something that relates to light and the hunger for light.

Light of a higher vibration than physical light is a spiritual energy – part of the energy of Creation that is stepped-down at multiple levels until it manifests in its physical expression. This energy of light has been there since the beginning, preceding all forms and all forms of evolution. It is referred to in Genesis as the primary utterance - “let there be light.”

When translated onto the physical level, this light becomes a powerful force for healing and change, helping all beings to evolve and human beings in particular to transcend the limitations of darkness and negativity they may have been carrying for a very long time.

These limitations include the thoughts, feelings, and physical symptoms that constitute depression. Though often biologically-linked, in the case of depression or any other disturbance, the biology itself can be influenced by the absence or presence of something that might alter its manner of functioning. That something is spiritual light.

Often, a soul may be hungry for light and not know what it is that they are hungry for. Frequently, there is the feeling of something unnameable or unknowable that is missing - a place of emptiness that cannot be filled. Those who are more behaviorally-focused may point to activities of a more joyful or meaningful kind that could help with this emptiness, including work and relationships with others. And this is true, such activities help many.

However, sometimes the soul that is hungry finds that nothing will do – no activity, no work, and no relationship can make a difference in terms of what the inner self is actually seeking. For the emptiness feels beyond that.

The hunger of the soul for light, especially when the language of spirituality has not been acquired fully and is therefore relatively unknown, can be both painful and confusing. A person can feel lost, misunderstood, out of place, with a sense of not belonging anywhere.

In fact, without the spiritual underpinnings anchored in awareness, it can feel like one doesn’t even belong to oneself. Then, there is a kind of gray existence as one goes through the motions of living, with the feeling that everything should be alright, but it isn’t.

This nameless thing that it is possible to long for is a hunger at the deepest level. It is both an emotional hunger for spiritual connection - for a relationship with the universe in which one can feel at home with a sense of belonging. It is also a physical and energetic hunger of the body to be filled with light, and a recognition, without words, that there is a sense of depletion and of having run out of energy and out of the capacity to experience joy in living.

There is no instant remedy for this, for the things of the spirit for the most part do not happen instantly. But they can happen in a relatively short span of time, once the initial premise is understood that it is light and its source that is longed for, and once the search begins for an adequate way of providing the spiritual nourishment that is needed.

One can begin by praying in a simple way to be shown the way to be nourished. Even if prayer has not been habitual or even desired within a life, a simple kind of asking of the universe to be led in the direction of healing and light can open the doors that help shift one’s frame of reference from the purely physical to the spiritual.

Simultaneously, one can be on the lookout for conversations, books, people, and unexpected situations that let the body know that it is happier – that it feels more alive. It is the feeling of greater aliveness, along with the perception that a weight has been lifted, that often signals the presence of greater light.

In the embrace of light, one feels upheld and loved, because what is truly of a spiritual nature always contains love. Therefore, at the same time that one may feel better physically, there is also an upliftment into a greater sense of connection with life, through love. This upliftment allows the heart to touch its deepest essence and source – the Divine nature at the very center of its being.

From Judy Garland

2010-06-22T22:20:00.000-04:00

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” ~Judy Garland

Random Quotes

2010-06-22T22:05:00.001-04:00

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Jalal ad-Din

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

2010-06-19T09:07:00.000-04:00

Tonight the whole world opened before me.

It is beautiful. It is warm. It is calming to the senses.

It is new, however. New in the sense that it feels like starting over. Not in a bad way, though. It is not constrained. It is just freely flowing --in a shy way? uhh-yeah. suppose I can say bashful?

I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully it is not just a dream...

Idiotic!!

2010-06-19T00:14:00.000-04:00

Indeed. What's past is past... and cannot be undone. We can only look back in retrospect and we cannot continually linger upon something that we 'hope against hope' would perhaps change its course and make a difference in the present.

Now... that makes me think. Hmmm.

Looking back at a recent past, I get the shivers. No. Not shivers. It's more of disgust. Poignantly distasteful. How could I have been so blind (would STUPID be a more appropriate term, you think?) as to allow myself to step down from the already low morale that I am sunk in? Ah. But it's the nature of the beast. The very essence by which that repulsion exists is what made it more desiring... more appealing to the common faculties.

Didn't God tell Adam and Eve that they could have anything they could ever want, as long as they leave the damn apple alone? But No! Succumbing to temptation is more gratifying than everything else. Is this not proof enough that, by nature, one wants to get what one can't have?

And they'd do anything to achieve that - up to the extent of going beyond what is morally right - or even more beyond than beyond.. the extreme, as in selling the soul to the devil. (Now.... ya'll know this is a figure of speech, eh? Nevertheless, the consequences are about the same, I'd say. The end of the road is the inescapable deep black hole.)

So... this is what this past is all about. Conceding to the wrong, hoping to make it right. Arrgh! Tell me. Was that idiotic or what?

A Matter of Choice

2010-06-15T23:44:00.000-04:00

"No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside." - Unknown

I read the quote over and over again and it started to sink into me. This is so true. Only when we allow ourselves to be affected by external stimuli or extrinsic influences do we begin to react. Applied more prominently to negating emotions, we encroach towards our inner beings to somehow neutralize the reflex.

Take for instance a contemptuous remark thrown at you out of nowhere. Typically, your reaction would be of defiance; and if you are the "over-emotional specie", that confrontation will not end there. Perhaps you will fire out an equally sardonic comeback. Then it will go on and on and on. It might even breed poison because all buried regrets will start to surface.

But in the aftermath, where does that leave you? Did you gain anything other than an episode of aggravation?

Taking this example a little bit more poignant, presume that the emissary of this grief is someone whom you thought would not or could not hurt a fly -- someone you trusted with everything you hold sacred. The devil made him do it. And you say the devil made YOU take it. Bah!!

The question is: are you going to let this strain get the better of you?

Nobody made you do it. You did it to yourself. You wallowed into that pathetic predicament because you think it will alleviate the hurt it caused. What are you trying to justify? Think about it.

That anger ... that strong feeling of chagrin and belligerence caused by a wrongdoing... is just a useless consumption of energy. Just picture the surge of mental agitation and grief you put yourself into when you allow this emotion to overtake your reasoning. The impulse is nothing but a superficial high that will leave you hollow and remorseful. And then you feel the angst. Endpoint you feel depressed. And what did you gain after all that action? Nothing.

I say let it go.

Take a deep breath. Count to ten (or make that twenty!). And then release that crippling state of mind. Put that pride aside for the moment while you muster your composure. Even though the rage is battling to take over your rationale -- stay focused.

I didn't say it will be easy... but just let it go. When it is all over, you will see it is worth the effort. Because you did not welcome the pain to overcome you, there is nothing to heal. It is as if nothing happened.

You are free.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

2010-06-14T00:28:00.001-04:00

Unconditional means without limitation, without restriction. It is outright; through and through. Unreserved; no holds barred. There should not be "and's, if's, or but's". Unconditional is unequivocal, unmitigated; never questioning. Unconditional is to give and give and give.

"Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times. It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations. It requires practice and intent to allow this energy to fully permeate our daily experience. It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be. In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it to everyone and everything around us! That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure. If you have not thought about how you feel towards yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally, or spiritually, we invite you to do so now. Begin the journey that changes everything. Begin the journey of unconditional love..." (retrieved 14-Jun-2010 from the website http://www.thelovefoundation.c om/unconditional_love.htm)

This so called unconditional love has always been misconstrued. One would think that if the love is unconditional, it entails all kinds of pain and sacrifices. Shame. It shouldn't be that way. Unconditional love to be unconditional is to make the giver happy to give.

For love to be unconditional, it must be absolute, undoubting, unfaltering, unhesitating, unquestioning, unreserved, wholehearted. There will not be any remorse, or anguish, or grief, or guilt. None of these. None.

There shouldn't be "counting of the deeds" done for the beloved. I did this... and I did that... And what about me?! I suffer. I hurt. I cry. I need. Where then, is the happiness in this?

For when one professes unconditional love, it does NOT ask for anything in return. It does not hold back, nor does it hinder any growth. It does not whine over spilled milk just because things turned sour.

A broken relationship is not about who is right or who is wrong, for there is no right or wrong! It is about accepting what happened and learning from it - and moving on.

It is disheartening to see broken up couples SPAR because both needed to be alleviated from the pain. Thereby, they find recompense from mockery and derision. Is it really worth the effort to gain an edge by hurting the other person? Does it beget any kind of conciliation to throw the dart with the aim to punish? Will that patch the wound?

Disappointing. And even regrettable. Where is the dignity that is supposed to have barricaded all these foolish, if not ludicrous, display of retribution? Where is this powerful, oh-so-compelling passion that is supposed to have outdone all the misgivings? Where is this so-called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...

Freedom At Will

2010-06-13T23:52:00.002-04:00

By all means... feel free to condemn me. Go ahead.

If in your eyes I deserve to be, then cast that stone and send me away to be punished. But before you do that, walk a mile in my shoes and then judge me.

I just now realized that I cannot always be accountable for any misery or distress caused by my principles. My principles are nothing but fundamental and essential rules to my perspectives in life. I cannot live for anybody but myself. Because only myself knows what will bring contentment and peace to my soul.

What happened tonight? Nothing.

I just saw things from the outside in...from a different view if I may say so. I am not the only one whose lifestyle defies the rules of ethics and nobility. I saw plenty of those whose lifestyles are very similar to mine... yet they can associate freely and without any trace of discord. Why, then, can I not exist as they do?

The manner in which I live my life reflects my values and attitudes. And one of those values is to keep my convictions consistent with my upbringing. However, as years add ordeals to my interactions with the environment, my dispositions change. And my character changed along with those changes.

In as much as I would like to fit into this world of deceit and hypocrisy, my inner self rebels. How can a square peg fit into a round hole? My principles refuse to follow the governing rule of approbation. But if I want to be accepted, I should not contest. Go with the flow. Ride with the wind.

For a long time I lived with this restriction. I cannot do what I want to do because it may cause a breach of allegiance. I cannot be myself. So I kept the contempt to myself. However, while I may not be one to readily pull the sword and spar, I can contend with the pen. And I managed to survive with that.

But tonight, I admit. I am guilty.

I am indeed culpable of letting myself free from all angst and disquietude that have imprisoned my mind for so long. No longer do I hold the torch of transgression nor do I hold myself responsible for the non-conformity to the rules of moral and righteous conduct. I finally mustered the ability to speak my mind rather than let my mind be spoken for. I am no longer afraid to say NO and to not allow myself to get swept away with the currents of convenience.

So if that depravity is worthy of retribution, then go ahead and flog me. Punish me and disown me. So that I may say to myself that I have paid for the consequences of my immorality. So that I may start my life from scratch. Filled with my self-made choices, yet clear of all the filth and grime that society harbors.

So what if I am now an outcast of this posse that hides behind its name for the same immorality that I am accused of. What irony!!

But I am now free.

So... go ahead. Condemn me.

I Miss...

2010-06-13T00:31:00.001-04:00

I miss a lot of things.

I miss the things that I used to do back when life was as simple as waking up, going to work, doing chores and doing errands - things that I enjoyed; things that put a smile on my face .. and even things that made me sad every once in a while. I miss the little things that nobody would even think of missing - but they do count when they all come together. I miss the life I once had... yesterday when I was young.

But when life comes to a crossroad, and choices are made - things become more complicated. And then life becomes a circus of entangled situations and emotions. Enter conflicts and drama. Enter stress and frustration. And then the things that I used to enjoy, now become just a chain of routine tasks - some sort of "to-do" list. A list that gets longer and longer and longer.

That is why I miss a lot of things... now that life had made a turn and reached a milestone. I miss this and I miss that. But...

What do I miss the most?

The more subtle of them all: I miss falling in love... and all the trinkets that come with it. I miss having to be wooed and miss being the apple of somebody's eye. I miss the attention, the look of adoration and admiration and the need to be needed. I miss being missed when a day passes by without seeing me. I miss having to be thought of, every minute of every hour. I miss love...

I thought I would never come to this point of yearning... not as frantic as desperation, but hankering, nevertheless. I thought that what I've had before is enough to keep me quiet and content. Is it really human nature to keep wanting for more?

I think not. i think this is simply a necessity of the stage of life I am in. While some people swear they can live on their own, I still think no man can be an island. At least not me.

I FEAR growing old by myself. A fear that haunts me like a ghost of the future. And this fear gets stronger as the years go by. I fear that one day, when I am old, I will wake up with nothing around me, nobody around me. I fear being useless, not ever needed for anything. Now I understand when people say that growing old by yourself is like a ticking bomb. It is indeed a ticking bomb!

Yes... I do miss a lot of things. I can write pages and pages of all the things that I miss... but it all boils down to tomorrow.

The big picture: I miss NOT having to worry about tomorrow...

A PenPal HaHa Letter

2010-06-11T09:05:00.001-04:00

Dear Yurso Vayne,

You don't know me, and I don't know you either. I just chanced upon your name in a singles ad -- (I can't help but confess that I find your name kinda' quirky -- and that caught my attention!)

I took the liberty to contact you first since it's obvious that you haven't gotten any "hits" from any of the female species since you placed the ad about oh-10 years ago. Boy, that's quite a long wait and I commend your persistence. Are you sure you're not suffering from senile dementia?. You must be really old. (I'm kinda' guessing yanno. I'm just your below-average gal next door who has never owned a calculator and who barely passed Math by a hairline. The reason? I was always asleep in the back).

Anyway, let me start by telling you about myself. I just have to warn you that if you do fall asleep in the middle of my story-telling, I will have to have you take a quiz. This is for your own good, yanno. You don't want to miss out on somebody like me. I'm special -- (like I ride this bus for special kids when I was young, yanno. I'm one of those kids with special needs - LoL - because I didn't have any friends other than the voices in my head. And even them - they threatened to leave because I cannot understand what the heck they're arguing about all my waking hours.)

Well.. according to my father, my ancestors were accelerated, cultivated homo sapiens. In the Ceektionary (btw. that is my own dictionary -- a ceektionary!), the term is associated with pea-brained individuals. But the size of my brain is by far larger than that of my Pre-prehistoric ancestors. You know what I mean... like the dino-saurs and cee-saurus and such.

Now, according to my mother, I am beautiful. (I just love mothers, yanno -- they teach the first example of lying LoL. They tell us that we're the most beautiful creatures since roasted marshmallows, when in reality not even mirrors can stand the sight of us looking at ourselves. LoL.) I asked her why she thinks I'm beautiful and she consistently says because my nose has a distinct crookedness you will never find on anybody else. I believed her! And I bet you'll believe her too when you see me! LoL.

Being that I do have cavemen behavior, my expression of "i love you, i want you, i need you" means to hit each other on the head, and when done and satisfied, move on to the next head to bat. But hey, there's good in that. Imagine... no emotional entanglements - no drama at all. Only bumps in the head and elsewhere.

I'm always preoccupied. With what? (Oh please don't tell me it's Facebook!). I'm preoccupied with how to get a life. Hah! I'm joking. I do have a life. I just don't know how to live it other than to post nonsensical hubbubs on Facebook. Uhm. Pretty much the same as yours -- your life, I mean. I know that you spend every minute of your waking hour in front of that humongous flat screen (wow! high-tech huh!) posting on your Facebook wall with every bit of information of how your day goes by. (Including doing a number 2 in the bathroom. Ewww!)

I do get bored quite quickly. My attention span is ... hmmm... 5 minutes? The average attention span of an average person is 20 minutes ~ would you care to dispute that? I'm open for a written debate - only because I have yet to hone my verbal communication skills. Because I am as sensitive as an onion peel, I get easily carried away be criticisms -- and that distracts my train of thoughts at a disadvantage.

Wow. Can you tell that I am getting more human by the hour? My intellectual mechanism gets fired up when the person I'm talking with just stares at me like I have two heads. Oh what a bore! (I meant you -- not me!)

My interests varies from discussions of an individual's philosophical values and the morals of the society as a whole. I always tend to question the WHY of things ~ as in "why do people do the things they do?". Is it just plain ignorance? a display of cockiness and arrogance? the genes of obnoxiousness? or simply a lack of self-respect?

And then I question every occurrence of events that surround my life: does the end justify the means or does the means justify the end? I am an avid fan of the psychoanalytical aspect of it all. No... I didn't major in Psychology -- I got my thinking skills from my shrink LoL. LoL.

Can't you tell? I love to write. Write about things. Write about anything, everything, or nothing. Write about entities and ideas and fears and joys and blah's. There is no direction. Why do you think I'm writing to you now? Hah! My thoughts race in various speeds - depending upon the nature and depth of my feelings.

My sense of humor is dry, sarcastic, and simply that. Blah. Nobody wants to hear me tell a joke because the joke itself, at most times, go over my head. D*uh! That is why I have to laugh at myself for therapeutic measures.

My ideas are oftentimes spontaneous; sometimes aimless or seamless, but always confused and questioning. "..but why?" Huh?! (The "huh" doesn't mean I'm dumb. It simply means I'm surprised to see you open your mouth.)

I believe I am "BOTH-brained" Simply put, the left brain and the right brain. (Or sometimes, the no-brain. LOL. I have traits from both sides.

By the way... I am a fish. Read my lips. I said FISH -- I didn't say "fishy". Did you see my mouth move to say the "eeeey"? Of course not! I do not look like a fish, I do not act like a fish, and definitely do not smell like a fish. I promise you that. LoL. I am a Piscean. Born on a leap year.

I have this book called: "How to Choose the Right Ape", which I reference most of the time. It says in the book that if I meet the right ape, I will have a joyful, contented life. I'm just a little teenie-weenie bit concerned about how apes make love. Ackkk!! I must stop watching the Animal Kingdom channel (is that what it's called?). That's where I found out that apes hump-pump-pump, kaboom, they're done in 5 seconds flat. Whoooa. That surely should go in the Guinness Book of ???? Another whoooooa. How do I deal with that? Now I'm having second thoughts about finding an ape. Most certainly you can see, apes and I cannot be compatible. At least not in that aspect of "making out" (HA HA). I follow the rule in the book where it recommends:"for best results, action required". And there will be a contract that will read: I am not responsible for the side-effects of unfinished business if rules are not followed. Do not engage in this activity unless you can perform long hours of play!

That being said... would you like to meet me at the zoo? LMAOoooo!

Your penpal haha friend,
Cee Itolduso

12:15AM

2010-06-10T01:44:00.000-04:00

It only hurts in the beginning. Then you get used to it. And you'll say to yourself: "it's not that bad after all. I can handle it."

But.. can you really handle it? Or are you just fooling yourself? Like a clown you hide the sorrow behind the mask of glee.

There is turmoil inside me. A whole lot of it. In fact it is profusely overpowering my reasoning that nothing seems to be right anymore. It is so vehemently huge that I see only distortion. As in broken glass. Nothing else.

I am confused. I am bewildered. I am lost.

I don't know what to feel; neither do I know how to feel. Perhaps there is nothing to feel. As if there is this hollowness from which I just float about -- a vacuum that represents a hiatus from existence.

A deep sigh will push away the pain. And then another deeper sigh will give comfort.

Here I go again. Speaking in tongues. I do it on purpose -- so that nobody will understand nor distinctly define that which is bothering me. I like it this way, however. It prevents a closure. It keeps me thinking. It keeps YOU thinking.

So... yes, I do understand everything I was told. And for each of those bullet points, I have a riposte. But I dare not speak. Because what comes out of my mouth may not be what is in my head. And what is in my head may not be what my heart dictates. You see?

I can see your doubts. I can see not only anger building up, but frustration from the fact that you've put so much of yourself into this*, only for the efforts to go down the drain. You really think I am complicated? That all I am is nothing but an asymmetrical lump of fundamental intricacy?? For lack of a better word: Irregular.

Honestly? I am beginning to think I am! Because even I confuse my own self with this roller-coaster of sentiments, shooting from all directions. Fact of the matter is -- I am transparent. Hence you see this array of colors representing every emotion I exude. Black. Blue. Green.

Therefore, you step back to give yourself that time and space where you can process and rationalize the ideation. That is good. That is progress. It means I mean something. Finally.

You want to know something? I am just an android. An autonomous human robot. I function through the dictates of your feelings and your disposition. I do not own my feelings. You grafted emotions into me, ergo, you control how I should feel when I should feel it.

You are an extraordinary piece of work, I must say. You are the epitome of brilliance in that there is depth in everything you say. And there is truth, I must admit. That is why I admire you. Let truth be told... I adore you.

BUT... You want to know something else? Robots can self-destruct from a simple short circuit. And with that minute malfunction, even within the least amount of time, the robot WILL not be the same again. Ever.

Now I wonder... if pets are missed when they are gone... will you also miss the robot?

It's time I put away the deteriorating brain cells. Recharge it. Tomorrows always promise something better than the last. I am half asleep. Is this really happening?

It is the Mind that Speaks

2010-05-28T12:57:00.000-04:00

I find it amusing to read horoscopes, especially those that speak of love and relationships. So then one day I read this love horoscope just for the "ha-ha" -- but now I'm starting to wonder... hmmmm Love Horoscope: Anything that is mythical and mysterious will be very appealing to you today, Pisces. You are finding yourself lost in spiritual thoughts and the bigger questions in life are making themselves known to you today. You are wanting to see progress in romance right now, but are not quite sure how to advance this situation, so you may find yourself looking to the universe for direction. If you pay very close attention to signals that are being felt today, rather than seen, you may discover that someone else is asking the stars the same questions of you. (retrieved: http://apps.facebook.com/dailyhoroscopeapp/index.php?) I can (kinda') relate to that highlighted statement... but the question is: how? and until when?

Should I ask the universe? Or maybe the stars can at least give me a hint? hah! :::hands up in the air:::

Oh well. So much of that for now. Que sera sera!! All these sayings: I'll cross the bridge when I get there -- IF I get there. Does this mean I finally gave in to the fact that what's not meant to be will not be?

Nope. I didn't give up. I just stopped trying.

How can one ever fit a square peg into a round hole? I tried. and tried. and tried. (BTW... I am the square peg ha-ha). No can do. I'm only making a fool of myself. Enough of that. Tra-la-la.

For now, I'll stop trying. I'll even stop thinking, or stop asking. I'll just trust my intuition. I will sit here and see what happens before me. Savor the moment!! If something concocts while I watch, I will give more credence to the actions rather than the words. So be it.

My Own Version

2010-05-23T12:18:00.000-04:00

We have our own favorite songs. Songs that hold a special meaning in our lives. The melody is awesome, you relate to the message in the lyrics but not totally -- because some phrases just don't fit into your feelings. So, you make your own version (hah!) ... just like this one.

I give my hand to you and then I say hello

and you can hardly speak, your heart is beating so

and anyone can tell, I think I know you well...

but I don't know you

No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night

and longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight

to you I'm just a friend, that's all I've ever been

No I don't know you

I never knew the art of making love

though my heart aches with love for you

afraid and shy, you let your chance go by

a chance that I might love you too

I give my hand to you and then I say goodbye

You watched me walk away beside the lucky guy

oh you'll never know the one who loved you so

No you don't know me

From the song: You Don't Know Me by Ray Charles

12:45AM

2010-05-23T01:13:00.000-04:00

it's Sunday once again.

Sundays seem to be a day of "re"... as in re-analyzing, re-capturing, re-evaluating, re-calculating, re-membering the events of the past week... re - re - re. Anything that has a "re" in it is like always part of a Sunday.

Re-turn?

Yeah. That's what I feel right now. It is dominating my being-- like a pounding headache. But how do I do that when it is not what I want but it is something that I have to do -- to keep my brain from weaving thought after thought after thought. Endless.

Return to the frame of mind where my confidence is intactly secure. It may be hollow. It may be empty,,, but it is solitude that does not bring me sleepless nights.

I don't know. I really don't know anymore...

2:45AM

2010-05-09T02:41:00.002-04:00

Am I doing this on purpose? to write on a Sunday? uhhh No! It just so happens that it always falls on a Sunday.

Nothing special; though it is mother's day. Happy Mother's day to all mothers (I might as well greet myself! Happy Mother's Day to me!).

Random thoughts:

I'm starting to believe that I was born with a twin. A twin entity called Drama. You see... Drama follows me around -- anywhere I go, anything I do. Look at me. Do I look like my twin Drama? :::ha ha:::
Within the last 72 hours, I felt devastated. Enraged. Helpless. Scared.
These cats shed too much hair. I should start collecting these hairballs and donate them to the pet centers, ya think?
Go ahead and use me; abuse me - figuratively, I mean. My day will come and I will do twice as much.
I don't think I'm lonely, nor do I feel alone and isolated. The right word should be melancholic... as in pensively reflecting the past 50 years of my life.
I'm still paranoid whenever I hear "NYC" -- you can't pay me enough to drive to that city. No way!!
I love the feel of wind upon my face. It's refreshing and relaxing. Hah! Now I know why pepper (our dog) likes to put his face out the window when I drive him around.
No wonder I haven't received my cigarette order. Nobody was home to sign the package so the order was voided. Damn!
I want to feel normal. As in... having somebody I can hug and kiss. My pillows are starting to complain that I'm suffocating them!
If I keep watching these psycho movies, I'll end up like one of them -- as if I am not yet one already. Hah!
And of course it's entertaining to watch romantic comedies. I still have hope. LoL.
Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a cloud looking down upon the earth. Ohhh wait... that is just a dream.
The power of positive thinking, power of suggestion, and affirmation: do you think I'll win the lotto even if I don't buy the ticket?
Should I just stop giving hints that I want more?
I'm hungry. (Yeah... I can hear you say: "anything else new?")
Where did January, February, March, and April go? It's friggen MAY already!! Another blink of an eye and then it's Christmas again and time to shovel snow. arrghh! Maybe I'll invest in a snow blower -- if only I can force myself to read the instructions.
Should I be concerned that the stocks went down? (Wow! that's cool. I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about!) -- Damn right I should worry. What's the difference between $14,950 and $14,052? Enough to pay for my kroaking vice for 9 months!
Note to self: buy mascara, liquid eyeliner, lip liner, Jockey brand panties (LoL). Macy's is having a sale; might as well shop for perfume while I'm there. :::he he he:::
My deadline for the training slides is coming up. I should hurry up.
I am flattered when I receive texts or emails that express interest. I'm even more flattered when the message is upsetting. It only means I'm being thought of most of the time. Am I right?... or am I right? But of course, I'm right.
I've got a crush on you. Psst. LQQk this way.
Please oh please... do not let me sing after I've had a pitcher of beer. It's hard to get rid of the like-feeling of an American Idol reject.
I miss... (fill in the blanks!)

1:55AM

2010-05-02T08:46:00.000-04:00

Coincidental? It's Sunday once again.

I thought about writing a few hours ago -- which is Saturday. But the urge to flick over the movies on Netflix ruled over my blogging desire.

So... It was quite a long Saturday. Mother and daughter accomplished a lot of errands. Took the dog to the grooming salon for his long-overdue bath and haircut! (Yay! hairballs be gone!). I didn't feel like driving home just to come back and pick him up, so off shopping mother and daughter went to kill time. Hah! quite an expensive way to kill time. Between lunch and snack, store hopping and impulsive buying, I'm sure I'd be pulling my hair when time comes to balance my check book LoL. Oh, but it was worth it, I must say. It's one of those quality times mother and daughter get to spend.

Everything was going fine until...

Beep! Beep! "message!". That was my my phone. (Technology has really gone a long way. Who would've thought back in the days of our great great grandparents that talking phones will evolve? But then again, was it ever thought that the genius of our ancestral apes could someday be the cause of our destruction?)

The text message was NOT something I'd expect. At least not from the sender.

What was the text message about?

I can't say. According to Saturday's horoscope: Today you need to focus and be aware of how what you're saying may affect others, Pisces. The emphasis is on friends today but things can sometimes go a ride through misunderstanding or trying to stay in control of the conversation to keep it from going off on a tangent.

Hence, although it's technically a Sunday now, I'd wait a couple more hours before I open my mouth. Hah!

3:25PM

2010-04-26T18:02:00.000-04:00

Another Sunday. It is as if I just wrote something yesterday, when in fact that was last Sunday. Wow! I couldn't say that the week went by so fast because I waited in anticipation for each day of the week to end. The days drag when we have to tackle the stress of everyday living. But of course, time flies when you're having fun!
I am debating whether I should spend the rest of this weekend playing PS3 games, watching Netflix, "bull-schitting" on FB, or just blogging my brains off! (I do have to work on a job-related document, so that is not an option.)

I think I'm just going to take a nap! Hah! Good choice. (I am actually starting to drift away as I am writing... amazing what the 'power of suggestion' can do to one's self!)

So... before I doze off, let me just jot down a thing or two about some observations I made during the week. I always find it stimulating (and somehow amusing) to share opinions and then conceptualize a sentiment.

Watching a movie is entertaining. It brings out all sorts of emotions as a reaction to the plot. Depending on the nature of the movie, we let ourselves get carried away and relate to the characters of the story. The movie "The Stoning of Soraya M" gave me a chill to realize the crude bestiality and inhumanely wrongful punishment that certain laws regulate as a compliance to religion and/or culture.

The Stoning of Soraya M is a true story of religiously sanctioned misogyny and mob violence in an Iranian village. A condemned woman, innocent of the charge of adultery brought against her by her sadistic husband, who wants to get rid of her so he can marry a 14-year-old girl, was stoned to death. Buried up to her waist in a hole dug for the occasion, she is pelted with rocks and profanity by the male villagers, including her father, husband and two sons, until she dies. According to ancient Islamic law, a wife’s adultery is punishable by death. (http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/06/26/movies/26stoning.html)

Now it makes me wonder... what if the same governing rule exists today in this generation? OMG!! there'll be stones flying around all over the place - LoL!! I must admit this is no laughing matter. I may sound like I am taking this lightly, but on the contrary, I am quite perturbed, not by what is happening today, but what has happened before. However, it is a moot point.

Back to earth. The bed is calling me for my afternoon nap. But there is still one more thing that I want to blog...

How do you deal with a person who is annoyingly self-centered; one who always speaks highly of themselves (grammar check please!) out of vanity or self-gratification; or one who takes pleasure in highlighting being the victim of the cruelties of the world for the sake of drawing attention?

Egoistic? Egotistic? Egocentric? .... or simply an "ego-tripper"? Hah!

Pardon my discerning criticism but I can't help getting irritated by such behavior especially if I am to witness it day in and day out! Does that make me harsh? Does that make me shallow because I allow myself to get affected by such triviality?

There. I got that out of my system.

Next. I'm off for that long-overdue nap.

8:05PM

2010-04-18T20:40:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday evening. I just finished struggling to crack open those crab legs and now I'm just sitting here, staring at this blank page. Hah! I'm trying to get myself into that mood -- to write about something -- anything that will make this night a little more (intellectually) productive than the past nights of the week.

Nothing comes to mind, however.

I realize that I have really been into a feeling of nothingness these past few days. No... make that weeks! Yea. It's been quite a while since I've had some "drama" in my life. Not that I want to engage in one right now... but somehow, when there is something to ruffle your feathers with, it makes it a little colorful. Far from this gray, dry blah!

Were it not for the regular nights out with friends -- a couple of hours of drowning myself in my self-made diversion, I'd have been a basket case of pathetic no-life drifter. With nomadic routine of getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home (reluctantly running errands here and there and doing never-ending chores) and then back to bed -- wouldn't that be called a passive existence?

I surely know what's wrong with this picture; but I dare not dwell upon it.

Why?

Because I do not want to turn it into an affirmation.

I do not want to admit that I am needing. Or wanting.

Because if I do, I will only feed myself with self-pity; some kind of self-indulgent attitude about my strife (when really it is not what it is!). Hah. Let's just say I'm trying to be optimistic. That I can see the glass as half full; rather than half empty!

The popcorn is gone. I finally threw away the last (lonely) kernel. After all... a kernel all by itself doesn't look as "appealing" as a whole bag of popcorn!

12:15AM

2010-04-02T00:41:00.000-04:00

One thing that really irks me the most (and needless to say... gets into my nerves) is the audacity of some people who think (and more likely believe) that they are 'holier-than-thou. That whatever they say, think, and do, are by far the best of the best.

Whenever I hear anything said about something or somebody in this disdainful (let's use antipathetic and apathetic) manner, it makes me want to bitch-slap that mouth!

By whose rules and by what standards do these disparaging behaviors come about? Really, who draws the line between good and bad or better and best?

Perhaps I am just one over-analytical whiner in this hypocritical environment? Is that it? The irony of it all is that -- am I being self-righteous for criticizing others' self-righteousness?

Again.. the popcorn is stale. I need to close my eyes and mind my own self-piousness. I just wanted to throw in three cents in case two cents is not enough: Self-righteous people, to me, are nothing more than a piece of toilet paper that doesn't really wipe off schitt. (Oooppss. Sorry!)
Share the article below. You might find it enlightening....

Cee

Self-righteousness (also called sententiousness) is a feeling of smug moral superiorityderived from a sense that one's beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.

The term "self-righteous" is often considered derogatory (see, for example, journalist and essayist James Fallows' description of self-righteousness in regards to Nobel Peace Prize winners) particularly because self-righteous individuals are often thought to exhibit hypocrisy, an idea similar to that of the Freudian defense mechanism of reaction formation. (retrieved 01apr10 from the website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-righteousness)

People who are self-righteous may defend their need to instill their beliefs on others as simply standing up for what they believe in. However, self-righteousness veers off from expressing your beliefs in a few key ways, namely that self-righteous people believe they are always right, superior and more knowledgeable than those around them.
Self-righteousness can drive people to squelch the dreams of their friends (you’ll never be able to do that!), offend people at work (that idea is ridiculous!), and alienate family members (you’re going to marry him?!). They offer their opinions even when they’re not wanted, and feel compelled to make you agree with said opinions, because, after all, they are the right ones.

And while it is possible to be just a little self-righteous and therefore not cause much offense to anyone, people who are too self-righteous may:

• Be quick to judge others
• Belittle those around them
• Be smug
• Act condescending
• Be narrow-minded
• Be intolerant of other people’s faults
• Believe that they have the answer for everyone else’s problems

Meanwhile, self-righteous people often have a very hard time being empathetic. They only view the world through their own eyes, and cannot even fathom walking in someone else’s shoes.

But aside from the risk of annoying or insulting the people in their lives, people who are too self-righteous are also too sure of their own opinions. In other words, they will stick to them at any cost, and often refuse to hear opposing arguments. They will also never change their opinions based on new information they have received, with the end result being a very closed, intolerant and often prejudiced realm of experience.(retrieved 01apr10 from the website: http://www.sedona.com/lp-self-righteous.aspx)

8:50PM

2010-03-28T21:29:00.000-04:00

This is becoming unbearable. Is it really happening or am I just being put to the test? Why can't I just tell myself to STOP -- just to spare me from the inevitable. Is it even worth taking the risk of ridiculing myself -- as if I haven't made a fool of myself already.

Oh. But it's an awesome feeling. It really is (or was?). Shouldn't it be a two-way street?

The last two days I've been dreaming of pools. A swimming pool. A pool of water. Anything with water. The dream interpretation: To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past.

I do understand my emotions. In fact, nobody else can understand my emotions but me. Yeah me. I don't think anybody believes that I am capable of giving back a feeling as intense. All I am to them is but a figment of imagination. When will they believe? or how can I make them believe?

This popcorn is getting stale. It's time for bed anyway. Enough of this dead-end questioning. I'll cross the bridge when I get there... IF I get there. Meanwhile, give it some thoughtful consideration. It might be worth losing a night's sleep or two.

11:50PM

2010-03-22T00:25:00.000-04:00

forgive me.. but my nerves are in haywire.

blow by blow, one after another in just one day put my resistance to the test and i failed. too much disquiet is hard to bear. i cannot contain myself.

that is why i sit here at this time of night. to sort things out? NO. just to find solace in the privilege of free expression through writing.

you don't have to read this -- but i see it caught your interest (because you are still reading it. hah!). do you ever wonder what it feels like to hold internal turmoil? we've all had our own bedlam, and indeed, one differs greatly from another. what may be tolerable to you could be disturbing to another. but at the end of the day, it is in how we process these tumults that we gauge our strength. we either get up and continue to race, or just run away.

most of the time, i choose to challenge myself. though our minds ordain our feelings and action, we are still in control of our minds -- as to how to make it function according to our needs.

but when the mind conspires with the emotions, that is a tough deal. you take it or you leave it.

5:15PM

2010-03-21T17:45:00.000-04:00

i'm back in the black hole of anguish. it feels like the world is caving in on me. my actions, regardless of the motives, are no longer acceptable because i had already lost all credibility. i can see where the mistrust is coming from, but how does one get the chance to prove that not every rotten behavior is a basket case?

it is one thing to stand on one's own ground or to keep the feet from being uprooted, it's another to have someone brace you from falling. but if i need both, how do i do that? i cannot have one without the other.

when the end justifies the means, is it worth losing one's respect?

i'll wait... until you pull me up again... (hoping that you WOULD pull me up again.. and again..and again) because no matter what or how you think, i cannot shut you out of my life. you are my friend.

9:40PM

2010-03-19T23:04:00.001-04:00

It's just another manic Friday!! It's not a bad day after all...

So... I left work all mentally depleted, and stressed, and tired, and goofed, and mushy, and hungry!! Since the daughter has a sleep-over and the son is out at work, I wasn't in any rush to get home -- but I was starved -- so beep-beep!! outta' the way.

I thought of Kerwin's buffalo wings... but I got afraid I might start looking like a chicken since I've been eating chicken wings for the last couple of days. Hah! Then I thought I'd try out the new crab shack called "Eat At Joe's" (really now.. what kind of name is that?!) -- but to my dismay, the place was packed. I couldn't even stand by the bar!! I was drooling with the smell of food but I was not going to wait for 2 1/2 hours for that! No way...

I decided to go to this Chinese buffet place that serves seafood (yeah... can you tell I was in a CEE-FOOD mood?!). Ah yes... they are serving crabs!! (I choose stone crabs over crab legs -- the former is easier to crack open! -- but no stone crabs today. arrghh). Eagerly, I spotted a table to get settled. Well lo and behold!!! Before I could even sit down, the crab platter got empty!! WTF!!! These two women stacked up their plates with the crabs -- there was nothing left for the next in line!! Omilawd!! No wonder their behinds are so wide!! LoL.

OK..so... I ended up having the clams instead, and the salmon and shrimp!! I satisfied my craving (for crabs) with shrimp! Lotsa lotsa shrimp! Different kinds of shrimp. Cold shrimp, dry shrimp, fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, crispy shrimp, spicy shrimp -- even live shrimp!! Hah! I was joking! duh!

It was useless to whine over not getting the crabs after driving all the way there... so I just "pigged-out" with what's left and then amused myself watching people around me.

To my right was this family of three. The husband, the wife, and (I'm guessing) the 2-year old cute little girl. LoL. She turned NOT cute anymore when she started wailing to get the salt shaker. She was fighting with her father LoL... she wanted to put salt on her ice-cream -- and so she did!! Ohhhh..but parents do know how to trick their children...and tricked her, the father did. He pointed at something to make her look away while he scooped up the part with the salt!! I thought that was funny the way the little scene presented itself. (If you don't think so... then go to bed!!)

To my left were a pair of "chatterboxes". Thank the heaven almighty for giving me patience, else I'd have thrown the shrimp shells at these two girls who had not stopped yippity-yapping ever since I got there. Not only were they non-stop, they were loud too -- and lord.. they were nasty!! Ugh. Such an appetizer!!

Then came three men (hunks?? LoL.. I don't think so!!) who looked like they just came back from being fugitives. They headed straight to the buffet table and piled up their plates with food as if there is no tomorrow. I mean "piled"... as in "stacked"!!#@&;

People of different "shapes and sizes" walked back and forth to the buffet table (btw.. I was in front of the buffet table that is why I could see what was happening). This woman in blue must have been filling her bag with food (LOL) because I could have sworn I saw her go back to the buffet about 5 times or more!! .. with a different dish on each trip. How d'hell could she have eaten all that if she wasn't putting them somewhere?? Now, now... I think she was trying to make it worth paying the $12.95!!! Hah! (Sorry... can't help but notice!!)

And then there was this old lady (yeah! senior citizen) who made a fuss (a stink) about her bill LoL LoL. (oohh the poor waitress!!). I heard her say the board says $12.95 and senior citizens get $2.00 off their bill. BUT... she was complaining that her bill was $0.50 more than it should -- yada yada yada. (Now I wonder if I'm gonna be like her when I get to be her age? LMAOooo)

There's more... but I think the ones I've talked about topped them all (in terms of having something to laugh about rather than just being blah@). It's quite entertaining to watch people. Not in a rude way as to bluntly stare, but just to observe their behavior.. and then you start to wonder what they were thinking when they did what they did.

It's amazing how observing people's behavior can kill time and alleviate boredom -- even make you lose your appetite. LoL. Womp!! G'nite. I hope the bedtime story made you fall asleep rather than kept you awake.

5:45AM

2010-03-18T05:55:00.001-04:00

in my eagerness to feel that i belong, i constantly put myself in a predicament that i can hardly be proud of. i let my guard down so easily, unmindful of repercussions that might hit me hard when i fall. not only does it entail a whirlwind of chaotic emotions -- it also leaves me depleted and discouraged to get up and move on.

but one thing i know for sure: what does not kill me makes me stronger (or does it?)

One Day I'll FLy Away

(Randy Crawford)

I make it alone
When love is gone
Still you made your mark
Here in my heart

One day I'll fly away
Leave your love to yesterday
What more can your love do for me
When will love be through with me

I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
My life again

One Day I'll fly away
Leave your love to yesterday
What more can your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day that dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away leave your love to yesterday
What more can your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day that dreaming ends

1:18AM

2010-03-11T01:15:00.002-05:00

Arrghhhh!!! gimme a break!!........

9:30PM

2010-03-09T22:17:00.000-05:00

This is insane. I am feeling something that I shouldn't be feeling. I wouldn't call it irrational -- but foolish maybe? or unwise?

Why?

Because it is something guarded or almost sacred (for lack of a better word!). Try as I might to purposely disregard the feeling, it inhabits my mind like a ghost. It torments me in a bittersweet way that I simply cannot negate its existence. It comes to me in bouts of whirlwind and subtle breaths of fresh air; both penetrating; leaving imprints in my consciousness.

How can I fight it?

I can't. It's too late.

Hah! A perfect song came to mind just now...

But I am afraid. My presumptuousness had once bitten me back. I dare not do it again. It is not the act, but the repercussion of the act. It is painful. A sharp torment.

What do I do now to keep my balance?

I don't know. It is insane...

8:50PM

2010-03-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

Silence is golden. It is through silence that we can afford to listen. And to listen is to afford the other person the chance to simply break down and cry. Not to take over their troubles but just to carry the weight off their shoulder for a short while. A very short while is all they need to let go of all the tumult that had built up within them in time. Surely we can afford that, can't we?

6:35PM

2010-03-06T19:45:00.000-05:00

After all the laughter and the fun... at the end of the day, when you think that you've got everything covered, you will still feel that dreaded emptiness because you refuse to acknowledge the need to fill the void. You keep telling yourself that you can stand alone yet you shiver at the thought of being alone. You put yourself into a lonely exile behind a facade of complacency and that look of smug satisfaction. You may feign beatitude and bliss and make everybody believe you're on top of the world, but you cannot fool yourself. That feeling of emptiness is nothing but a constant reminder of this farce you portray.

You say this too shall pass? IT will not pass... unless you act upon it, wrap it up, and bring it to a close. Unless you choose to numb yourself, cripple your mind, and let your emotions wither away, it is time to come to terms with your inner self. Let go of the sanctimony of independence and accept the fact that you cannot live on bread alone.

... and you know damn well what I'm talking about.

7:40AM

2010-03-01T08:15:00.001-05:00

Life is too short to wake up with regrets, so love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason . If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life is easy, just...that it's worth it. ~Anon.

Indeed... I always tell myself... why wake up with regrets? Too much a waste of energy. A waste of effort. A waste of emotion.
But, that is (as the saying goes) -- easier said than done when there is a gnawing ache in your heart. You wish it would just go away with the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye. You wish you could just as easily shake it off when you take a hot shower and come out refreshed. But it's not easy... It never was. It never is. It never will be.
How do you cry over spilled milk? How do you pick up the pieces of broken eggs or broken glass? Fact of the matter is... you can't!! As fast as technology grows, they've never came up with an "undo" button that will make things go back to what they were before things happened. An "oopps" will always be an "oopps". Optimistically? Just think: this too shall pass.
So what does that leave you with? A 'second chance'... that you hope against hope will ever happen. (Not very optimistic of a notion, is it?!). Yeah, and when it does, grab it with - not only your two hands - but with all your limbs (for that matter. Haha!) so that it won't slip away again; and make sure you do things right the second time around.
And then you think... this happened for a reason. Whatever that reason is, is up to you to make it be! It's just there to give you the boost that there is something better in store for you.
Now.. don't get me wrong. My pessimism is not to for you to indulge it. I just threw it out there to make ME aware not to hope too much or expect too much so that I don't fall as hard if things don't go the way it's supposed to.
I'm just in that 'neutral' phase -- if the chance comes back, I'll make sure it I grab it. Use the first failed attempt as a lesson not to make the same mistake again... OR... say "dangggit. I missed the train again!" LoL <3<3<3

7:30PM

2010-02-26T19:33:00.000-05:00

i am selfish. i am selfish. i am selfish.

why can't i just be content with what i have or with what is laid before me? i've been given an entire weekend and i can't even spare a few hours (or minutes, for that matter) to lend an ear...share a shoulder?

i feel sad. i feel empty. i am nothing.

hah. and i thought i was special. WRONG\!!!

i am just one of the many lost souls taken back to reality. accept that. I AM NOTHING.

6:47PM

2010-02-26T18:52:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking... more than a lot lately.
It's time to shake off the unrestrained fancies. It's time to face reality. Reality hurts.

I am hurting. Why? Because I just do.

I am being selfish. I want everything to myself... but I can't have it. But don't I have a right to want what I want? Afterall, it's my birthday. And this particular birthday is quite significant. Hah!!

I'm about to welcome the second half of the century of my life. Not necessarily today. In about 48 hours or so. In a split second of a second. That's just about it.

Therefore.. can I not ask for something?

Hey... if you think I'm strong... I am. But I do have my down moments too... I really do...

6:05AM

2010-02-16T06:04:00.000-05:00

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

—Oprah Winfrey
(1954-); television host, actress, philanthopist

snow had fallen last night. for some odd reason -- as opposed to how i usually react to snow -- it gave me a different perspective on some things... just things...

11:10AM

2010-02-14T11:07:00.000-05:00

Well... Happy Valentine's Day!!

1:10AM

2010-02-14T01:44:00.005-05:00

February 14. Valentine's Day. A day of showing love and affection, not only to significant others, but to everyone important (and non-important) in our lives. It is a day of happiness... a day of reiterating the wonders of loving and being loved.

BUT... not for me. Not today.

I am angry. I am bitter. I am sad... and suffering.

I am overcome with rage and no amount of tears can soothe the pain of degradation. I have been hurt and I want to console myself with revenge. I want to lash out with the same hurtful words and inflict an even greater pain.

But in as much as I want to get even and unleash this destructive wrath, my values and behavior tell me not to bring myself down to that level of lowbrow mentality.

And if I do succumb to the call of vindictive retribution, what will that accomplish? Nothing. If I allow myself to be overcome with hatred, I will only encourage anger to rule my life. It will leave me helpless and unable to move on.

I want to move on. I want to forget that once upon a time, I have loved... I have laid my life like an open book only to be tarnished with spite and ill-will. I want to let go of the feeling of being wrapped up in resentment.

Forgiveness is not an easy act to accomplish. But if that will free myself from the agony of being wrapped up in vile, then I shall -- with a grain of salt. This does not mean, however, that the intolerable act and hurtful words are justified, nor does it deny the responsibility of afflicting the pain. This does not certainly mean I will readily forget all that's been said and done. Perhaps in time, as time heals all wounds. But for now... it only means turning around -- without looking back.

7:05PM

2010-02-13T19:33:00.000-05:00

Because of Valentine's Day timing, I found myself flipping through pages and pages of articles relating to relationships. I'm curious to know what is out there that I am missing or perhaps I just want to validate some self-made opinion as opposed to what other people think.

Read with me and tell me: what have you to say?! Do you agree or disagree? A penny for your thoughts?...

Love's Loopy Logic

Retrieved 12Feb10 from the website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200612/loves-loopy-logic

Encounters with the opposite sex skew our psyches in such a special way that reason and bias climb right into bed with each other. In this mode, it sometimes pays to deceive ourselves. Welcome to the paradoxical world of mating intelligence.
By Kaja Perina, published on January 01, 2007 - last reviewed on April 23, 2008

Our sexual calculations and character reconnaissance, it turns out, call for smart, but not always accurate, judgments. That's because mating intelligence is as oxymoronic as the term suggests. We routinely bring both cold reason and outsized misconceptions to a relationship. Both serve a purpose. A woman will accurately gauge her date's personality on first meeting, but she will grow more convinced of his good humor and charm if they stick together. To woo a woman, a guy will grossly exaggerate his income, commitment, and affection for cuddly creatures. But he may have to correctly read microgestures as fine as tea leaves to discern whether she's truly impressed.
Male and female mating intelligence part ways when it comes to each sex's competing procreative goals. Inscrutable though our machinations may be to our partners (and to ourselves), romantic behavior is driven by a deep logic. Our minds have evolved to warp reality. Even so, we have unique skews in the mating realm. We've all got blind spots about the opposite sex. And sometimes that's for the best.
We have a radar for opposite-sex interest and intentions that has its own unique calibrations. And it follows Darwinian, rather than Aristotelian, logic, because the very survival of our genes is at stake. Men and women need to minimize reproductive mistakes that could thwart their mating goals: For men, missing a chance to score constitutes an error. For women it is dangerous to trust a man who simply wishes to score and move on.

10:35PM

2010-02-12T22:35:00.004-05:00

Your Love Horoscope

You are having a very difficult time pin pointing your feelings right now, Pisces, and you can expect this trend to last for some time. This is a situation where if you allow yourself to proceed on previous romantic assumptions, you will eventually find that you have been way off base the entire time. This is a good time to question your own motivations and what you really want when it comes to love. You keep saying that you want long term happiness, but have you truly laid the groundwork to make this possible? Use your dream world or the cues that come from your imagination, and you will find that you are getting more signs of a positive nature with romance than you may think

(retrieved 12Feb10 from the website: http://apps.facebook.com/dailyhoroscopeapp/?r=500)

It is amusing...actually quite entertaining to read love horoscopes. Whether we believe it or not, sometimes they do reflect what's in our mind or what's happening. Take the above reading as an example.

I am having a very difficult time pin-pointing my feelings right now. TRUE. I couldn't say I'm confused because I know what I'm feeling right now. Will it stay? This is a hmmm. Why? It will depend on how the plant grows.

If I allow myself to proceed on romantic assumptions, I will eventually find that I've been way off base? Ut-Oh! So I should stop the silly things that I do for someone my age. HA HA. Uhm. But it's a nice feeling...

I must question my motivations and what I really want when it comes to love. Hmmm. I'll do the questioning later...

Yes, I do want long term happiness, but come to think of it now... have I really laid the groundwork as written above? another Hmmm.

Aha! I must use my imagination... and this is where the story begins... when two minds speak the same language, it's a beautiful thing. It is a lullaby to sleep in contentment knowing there is...When two minds intertwine, there is only understanding. And silence. And validating of feelings. And sincerity in compassion. There is warmth and comfort just by listening.

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention...A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”Rachel Naomi Remen

2010-02-11T23:14:00.000-05:00

10:45PM
challenge your fears -- that's what i did tonight Hah! guess what i did?? slip' slidin' away... LoL

it's really not that bad. as long as there's a faint beating... trying ever so hard not to be overwhelmed by this discovery! IT will keep beating because the mind says so.

yep. it's beautiful. the plant is. leaves starting to come out i think... but must not forget to tend to it. it's still very fragile. its roots are not yet well grounded just as everything else is unknown. but given the right nurturing... it will grow. i trust me, myself, and i.

2010-02-11T17:57:00.000-05:00

i think i'm pushing it to the limit. stop. i should stop. it's bothering me to the point where i can't even think straight. (hah!! when do i ever think straight?)

6:30 AM

2010-02-09T06:33:00.000-05:00

fate

[feyt] Show IPA noun, verb, fat⋅ed, fat⋅ing

the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time: "Fate decreed that they would never meet again" (retrieved 9Feb10 from the website http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fate)

It is so? But aren't we the captains of our souls and the masters of our fates? Therefore, shouldn't we have any control of that fate? Though we cannot put any constraint on what befalls us, we can still, in some way, shape, or form, draw the line.

Sometimes... all it needs is to make the move to trigger something. What it is? I don't know.

11:10 PM

2010-02-08T23:17:00.000-05:00

I should be in bed at this time. Tired. But I can't sleep.
Something disturbs me. There is this pain I feel.
I should be happy. Well... I am happy or I WAS happy for a while until I start to think. As always, I think of the "why"

This is what I feel right now. I feel like I am pushing myself too far. And I am scared.

That's what it is. Fear. Fear of the hurt that is starting to form -- or is this just an over-reaction?

Should I stop? Should I kill it now before it kills me? Or should I let it die a natural death so that I won't feel that I had given up something that "could have been".

I don't know. I just feel pain.

8:08 PM

2010-02-08T20:08:00.001-05:00

After watching one of those 'chic-flick' movies (I think it's entitled: "he's not that into you" -- or something like that), I came to the conclusion that (most) women are always emotionally abrupt. I should say "Nope, that doesn't include me because I'm way past that stage hah! ... been there; done that!" But nevertheless, I could still be regrettably proned since I'm one whose heart undermines the mind: vulnerable!

So... enter spotlight: infatuation. What else could it be? Infatuation is plainly being a fool for love. Irrationally smitten by everything about the object of its affection. In high school, it may sound cute and adorable to say you're infatuated with somebody. But for women my age? HAH! forget it!!

Infatuation as I see it is nothing but mental affliction. The frame of mind that ends up in misery after indulging in fixated passion and stupidity. How so??? When we see something that embodies or symbolizes anything (or everything) we've dreamed of in a person, we seem to get struck by lightning. In an instant we feel like we're floating above the clouds. We act silly because we think in extremes! Our imagination soars into that magic moment of finding the "special" someone and weaves all kinds of fantasies.

Somebody may say something to you/about you that (perhaps) strikes a chord in your heart; you are mesmerized by his gaze; your heart pulsates in uncontrollable rhythms just from the sound of his voice or from the notion that he likes you back (?? wishful thinking!). You venerate him as the epitome of your soulmate, thence everything you do or think of is about him and his qualities. You are crazy!!! (Hah! you lost your mind and you can't find it!!)

On a different note, infatuation may not be all that vicious. After all, you get to feel that momentary elation. And as long as you don't let that great, indescribable feeling of bliss and buoyancy overrule your common sense and your feet is still on the ground, I think you're safe! :))

2010-02-08T06:27:00.000-05:00

it's Monday morning... I said I was going to write something last night, but for some odd reason, no words came to my mind. i was struggling with different emotions. some good. some bad.
but I NEED to write something.

2009-12-06T00:05:00.000-05:00

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. Henri Nouwen.
That is a real friend. A real friend laughs with you, not at you. A real friend stabs you in the front, not at the back. A real friend will find time just to sit with you and share your darkest hour.

On the other hand, when you get even the slightest feeling of betrayal from somebody who calls himself a friend, that is a sham.
How hard is it (or how easy) to recognize the sham from the real friends? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to tell the difference. It is all in the way of how one gets overcome with greed and envy, that by putting you down, it gives them the edge of being above you. That is your sham friend. In layman's term: Conspirator. Backstabber. Gossip-mongrel. One who fabricates stories in order to pull you down because they feel intimidated by your superiority. All they feel is contempt and envy. They use this as a shield to hide their weaknesses and the need to be needed.
A recent incident, perhaps, will give you a clearer understanding between real friends and the "not real" friends. It cost me a great deal of wasted effort to accommodate the alter-feelings, but it helped me draw the line.

I am upset.

Why?

Because the circus came to town and engaged my services, oblivious of the fact that I will be fed to the lions! Hah. Stupid me.

I shouldn't do this because I know I'm only going to make a greater fool of myself. But I suppose the means will justify the end or the end will justify the means - or however that is written. Ranting is the only way I can rid myself of this rage that is, at this very moment, eating me up. So bear with me...

Let me start by telling you a story. There once was this homeless boy who knocked at my door begging to be fed for he was hungry for friends. I took him in and clothed him with compassion. I gave him what he needed - acceptance to a society that once cowed him from being acknowledged. As this boy learned the tricks of the trade and grew accustomed to the rules of the house, he started to think for himself. He wanted more of what he had - perhaps more than what he can knowingly handle. So I granted him that wish and gave him the power to run the house in my behalf. But little did I know that this conniving ingrate will taint my domain with his
callow tactics by turning things into a theatrical hubbub. Let's call that DRAMA.

He played the role of the genuine samaritan when his intention was purely to draw attention to himself. Oh... that wasn't enough for him. He then swayed people into incriminating scenes just to get to the spotlight and then turned around to act like the champion of the depraved. And the drama began. Drama after drama after drama. Ah. What irony!

And so the story goes that I had to put things back in order. I cut him off of the limelight. When he realized that his minutes of fame was over, he turned sour. So pungent he became... that he put together bits and pieces of frivolous allegations, strove to make it known to the public (ahh... the advantages of FACEBOOK!), and hoped to flush me down the drain.

Now you ask: why would I let a birdbrained nitwit affect me to the point that I had to stoop down to his level just to get even? Let's just say he caught me during PMS! (Ladies: ya'll know that when PMS hits the brain, all sorts of nasty things can come out of our mouths)

For those of you who don't know me too well, nor have known me at all, you will, perhaps, put some thought into this and make a judgment call: "should I stay or should I go?". That's up to you. You are, by no means, stuck to stay in this group. Leave or stay as you please. I only ask that if you decide to leave, get the facts straight. Because one thing that I cannot live with is a blemished reputation, especially if it is caused by contempt and envy.

And for those who know me too well - drama or no drama... we gotta keep "kroaking"; because after all, that's what keeps us together! ain't it?

2009-10-03T01:41:00.000-04:00

I beg your pardon... I never promised you a rose garden!

I've reached the peak of annoyance and disgust from all presumptions and accusations. It is debilitating. All forces of energy depleted from my being.

What do you want from me?

2009-09-29T01:30:00.000-04:00

my 16 random notes. from facebook.

1) I wanted to go out tonight. Have a drink and get lushed and get nasty HA HA, but after seeing the cats hump each other, I almost puked!

2) Cecilia asked me what I'd do without her. I said I'd starve!! She's my inspiration and competition. lmaooo.

3) Facebook has gotten me so inspired that I feel like doing graffitti without going out on the streets. Yikes.

4) I can't believe I'm thinking of indecent thoughts right now. LoL. No, wait. Let me re-phrase that. Why am I surprised that I miss sex when I'm enjoying cold showers?

5) Yeah. My trip to the nail salon was awesome. I left the place massage-happy. I got a neck massage. A hand massage. A foot massage. A back massage. It cost me a fortune!

6) I wonder what it is like to be demented. Would I have remembered?

7) I'm glad I'm not too much into sweets; I hate toothaches and cockroaches... not to mention that I also hate picking up candy wrappers.

8) Somebody once told me that smoking is a bad habit. I wanted to tell her it's illegal to put makeup on her butt. I'm glad I didn't; I just started laughing when she put on her panties over her head.

9) If this phone beeps again, I swear I'm gonna pull my hair. Why? Murphy's law. It beeps at the most untimely instances. Go figure.

10) Why do women open their mouths while applying mascara? Tell me it ain't so!

11) It's Friday. I got $5 left to my name after paying my bills. I suppose I have to settle with cheap beer so I can at least leave the server a tip. I ain't that cheap, yanno!

12) Did I mention that I miss sex and I love karaoke? LoL LoL LoL. But I'm not kinky and I don't have a microphone.

13) I laughed so hard when a friend told me not to wear a bandaid again. He was referring to my teeny weeny tight dress. Ugh. Use your imagination.

14) It's not that I don't like the beach. I just hate seeing myself in a spandex with my rolls hanging out while I pretend that nobody's looking.

15) One more to go after this 15th statement, then I'm gonna strangle Cecilia for starting this crap!

16) Last but not least. I'm hungry. It's been 30 minutes since I last ate. LoL

2009-09-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

It's Monday. Well... actually, it is already Tuesday because it's past midnight. I got hooked on this crap LOL LOL -- I'm sure you will too!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
I donno. It was dark.

2. How do you like your steak?
I'm vegetarian. LoL. No No. I like my steak medium but no 'pink' showing

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Cinema? LoL. I just use Netflix. It's cheaper.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Super Mario Bros Nintendo :p

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Does this mean I have to ride on a plane on coach class in order to get to where I want to be? That's kinda' tight, yanno. I can't stretch.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Why do you ask? Are you gonna make me breakfast and serve it in bed?

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Cee food. (O c'mon... you know what I mean!)

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything that moves... (except for one. LMAOooo. Censored!)

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Oooo. You're getting kinky! LoL

10. Favorite dressing?
As in? Ohh gross. I can picture hemorrhoidal dressing!

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
HA HA. I use a broom too. But it's the kind that you can use as an art display on the wall.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Muhlan. (I wonder if she wears an underwear?)

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Where I used to be -- the mental institution -- so that I can say hullo to my former inmates

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
1/2 a cup? Damn. I'd be lushed!!

15. Where would you want to retire?
Schitt. Am I that old? No wonder I keep getting this AARP applications

16. Favorite time of day?
When it's time to eat. Hehehe

17. Where were you born?
I know I was conceived in my mother's womb. How I got out... I don't know. I think some old lady pulled my feet but my head got stuck! I think that's the reason why I am what I am today. LoL

18. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Myself. I need a good laugh!@

19. Bird watcher?
Do you really think I have time to watch birds?

20. Are you a morning person or a night person?
At the casino, there's no such thing as morning and night, ya think?

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
Can you keep a secret? I got a few skeletons in the closet!

22. What did you want to be when you were little?
To NOT be big -- literally!

23. What is your best childhood memory?
Do you remember yours? I'd be damned if you do!

24. Any pet peeves?
smelly people - ew

25. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Sorry. I can't tell you. I'm not lushed yet.

26. What was your favorite vacation?
when i fell asleep sitting on the toilet LOL -- that was a joke!!

27. Last person you went out to dinner with?
If only somebody would take me out to dinner...

28. What are you listening to right now?
my girlfriend who's staying with me and she's snoring LOL LOL

29. Are you done?
NO. (see last statement)

30. Any comments?
I'm on a mission to strangle the person who started this crap! LoL

2009-09-23T18:09:00.000-04:00

If not now... when?

I mused over this phrase again and again. The more I dwell upon it, the clearer it came.

It's a symptom... of uncertainty. A promise that will not see its end.

So I've been told "not today ... sometime soon". But that sometime never happened. Nor will it ever happen. It was just said to console the longing. Nothing more.

2009-09-17T23:57:00.001-04:00

Why is it that the only time I am inclined to write is when I am angry? Is anger such a bitter emotion that it awakens all senses?

Damn right I am angry. That is why I am writing... to rid myself of this infuriating sentiment that is making every part of my being tremble in dismay. Utter disappointment. It's pathetic.

When can I ever have that peace? Why do I always have to be upset? These eggshells are all around me... it's disheartening. One false move, and I break the shell. Then chaos begins. The turmoil of mixed emotions. The battle between reason or conscience. The heart or the mind. Which one will it be?

Time and time again, I'd let this angst slide. It'll all be better in the morning I tell myself. Yah. This too shall pass. And it will. But not far in between, here it comes again. Like a cloaked dagger awaiting my most vulnerable moment -- and then it will hit. And then comes the discord. The disquiet. The pain of being pained for nothing. A whole lotta' nothing!

Well, this time... I think I'm ready to settle with reason. I think it's time that I care about my own well-being, rather than worry about how a selfish disposition will or might affect the afflicted - if affliction is indeed the case, and not the culprit.

I am tired of the ricochet. After a while it becomes old. And then there is nothing left.

This too shall pass? Of course it will. As it always has. As it always be. But am I willing to go through the whole script again like a broken record? Maybe not. Not this time.

I am weary.

2009-09-15T22:44:00.000-04:00

i hate it when everything i do or every move i make (it's not the song, believe me!) is twisted into a riveting show of infidelity and lack of trust!

i often wonder if insecurity is indeed the culprit of this behavior. but try as i might, i cannot stop thinking that it has a lot to do with distrust. the lack of faith. the ever-growing suspicions. the gnawing guilt. the fear that what one did may again be done.

aren't thieves against fellow thieves? because they know what they do so they hate those who do what they do. they suspect every move because they already know the scheme. they know the poison because the poison dwells in their minds.

it's sad that such behavior can significantly mar a relationship. the lack of trust. for without trust, a relationship will not survive. without trust there can be no peace.

2009-09-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

Today, I feel inspired. I feel excited about an idea that just popped into my head!

Has that ever occurred to you? That when you think of something - anything - you feel like you're moving 100mph or you're super-hyped that you can't sit still? You feel this surge of warmth on your cheeks because you can't wait to act upon that idea.

That's exactly how it is with me at this very moment. (Can you feel the jitter in my words? HA HA)

2009-09-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

i feel like i'm living on the edge. i feel like i'm drifting.
Can I talk to me? I want ME to tell me what is going on.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I started talking to me. To You -- yes YOU, the one who is the same exact person as I am.

Look at you. What once was a happy face is now a picture of distress. Is the whole world weighing upon you? Is it really? Or maybe you just think it is -- because there's nothing else there but that?

I think I know why you're moping. You're tired, aren't you? You're tired of being you. The YOU who constantly put things together; the YOU who make sure that there will always be options and choices to be made; the YOU who cannot stand being defeated just because... You're just tired of all the promises of tomorrow that will never happen.

And so you ask yourself, "Why does it have to be me?"

Drop that thought. It's a moot point. Just go to the source. Get to the bottom of it all.

Ask yourself, "Why are you tired?" Is it because there are none, nor have there been -- changes in your life lately? I know you like changes. Sometimes, almost abrupt changes. You do a 180-degree turn and then you take it from there. With nothing. You could care less if the aftermath will be a good or bad change. You just like to change. With nothing.

Now you stand before yourself, with remorse. Why? But you like changes. You did your change way back when. And now that life has changed, you regret? Do you really regret the fact that you are still standing up after all that you went through? All that anguish, and despair, and struggles, and yearnings, and failures. And you did it on your own. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve that.

So why the long face? Oh I know. Even though you are free to do as you wish, freedom is still not yours. Your back is still against the wall. There are stones still left unturned. And that is why you say "I feel like I'm living on the edge"; "I feel like I'm drifting". Because you do things as if there will be no tomorrow, and then you just let yourself be carried away by the currents of guilt.

I think (as in a matter of opinion) that you have turned into a rebel. You now defy the laws of ethics that you've always revered. Well, that's fine! Go ahead and indulge. If that will give you momentary joy, then by all means... do.

But that is not what this is all about, is it? Oh hell yeah, I know you. I know you too well that sometimes I'm afraid that I don't know who you are anymore. But sure, I know you. You are me. I am you. Therefore, I know what's causing all these [chaotic fragments of thoughts in your head] to explode.

So if I know you, then why do I ask? You know and I know that life is nothing but a great big puzzle. It takes time, and sweat, and tears to obtain all those pieces. And even though you think that you've got all the pieces, you need me to put those pieces together.

2009-09-12T20:00:00.002-04:00

I thought of creating another blog (in fact, I already did!) so that I can use it to vent out some outrageous temper that is currently eating me up at that moment. The kind of emotion that makes you want to put your head into the freezer and then scream like nobody can hear you. The kind that makes you want to bang your head against the wall, hoping it won't crack your skull that you'll bleed to death -- after all, you just want to let that sentiment out of your system, not necessarily to kill yourself. Yeah. That kind of sentiment.

Then I thought... that is already what a blog is all about. A venue for sentiments or temperaments of any nature. A channel through which you can release an emotion, overwhelming or not, or express your thoughts in a way where nobody or nothing can interrupt.

Why do I want to do this? Because I'm pissed!

I'm utterly irritated by the childish, if not idiotic, manner by which a person behaves at any given moment or event.

I think it's best that I do not give an example in order to camouflage the identities of those involved (HAHA). I'll just say what I think, for the sake of thinking.

I thought that petty quarrels are only for children. I suppose not! Even the 'almost' senior individuals exhibit that kind of behavior at one point or another. And you know what the keyword is? PETTY. As in minor, trivial, insignificant.

Now, why would anyone, with the conventional frame of mind, meddle into petty issues (that's why it's called customary!)? I just can't get it. These people, who are of age -- and one would think that being of age, means in the know as from experience -- would actually entangle themselves into arguments where they do not have any part of to begin with? Could it be, perhaps, a form of alliance to one party? More likely. But what's in it for them?

The funny thing is... these folks, who take it as an 'obligation' to defend one party, reacts more to the extreme than the opposing party themselves! Ah. It's amusing. Annoyingly amusing to watch how people make fools of themselves... at "that" age of their lives!

Or maybe I am just overly principled? not self-righteous... just realistically ethical, I suppose.

2009-09-12T11:33:00.000-04:00

Well... it's been a while since I've written my last blog and I suppose it's time to write another one.

Over the last couple of days after my surgery, I have been reading my blogs and it occurred to me that most of my topics were glum and sad in nature, if not written in bitterness. (In case anybody would ask or is even interested at all --- I have had a surgery that requires me to put a halt to my "regular" event-happy routine -- as if that can stop me! My surgery went pretty well as promised by my doctor. A suspicious polyp that seemed to have no right to belong where it was found, had been removed. Anyway, doc said he'll let me know the findings on my next visit which, unfortunately (or fortunately -- depending on how you want it to be) is not until September 22. I am on short term disability (again, fortunately or unfortunately) until "supposedly" September 21 --- but I kinda feel guilty coz other than little bleedings and the accompanying stinging pain, I'm ok. I've lost the annoying dizziness and nauseating headaches -- which is a withdrawal symptom from one of my regular medications, which I cannot take whilst I am taking ENDOCET [pain killer made of acetaminophen and oxycodone hydrochloride]). I am not allowed to drive nor have any outdoor activities for 7 days after the surgery (yeah right! Like that can stop me) and no lifting (as if I am doing heavy lifting, much more cleaning LoL LoL). I have been following doctor's orders -- no driving ... hmmm

Anyway, going back to my blogs... the fact that they were written as if in despair, is true. They were written in despair! What better sentiment would motivate you other than those that carry strength and have had a heavy impact in your life. And most of those times in my life, the emotions were nothing but of heavy load.

Perhaps I am one who you can call mawkishly susceptible to the negative sentiments. One with an upheaving seduction to sorrow. Oh but do not mistake this for an inclination to self-pity. Far from that. Think of it as finding solitude in the bareness of feeling. Because the emptiness will bring nothing but that. Emptiness. Ironically void of emotion.

So I sit here with nothing but a desire to write; though I could not find anything to write about. I am just compelled to put into words this need to write. And write I will... even if it doesn't make any sense.

So what have I been up to lately? Ugh. Nothing productive. Just lame. So far I've watched, after my surgery, at least 40 movies from NETFLIX -- from comedies to drama to horror flics (that's why I have been sleeping with lights on AHAHAHAHA). But it's good though. I feel like stepping into another world everytime I watch a movie. Surreal. Indeed entertaining and a truly good way to kill time. It stimulates your mind to fill in the gaps and answer the questions provoked by the synopsis. I used to not like watching movies (from a theatre) because I find it to be a waste of time. (I still don't often watch movies from a theatre. I do home movies!). I cannot seem to understand the difference between watching from a theatre and from home. It must be the huge screen and the technology of sound effects, not to mention the popcorn that cost a week's lunch money!

So much for that. Now I'm hungry. LoL. What else is new? I'm always hungry. Oh but it's 11:31AM. Just about time for lunch. But I'm going to a BBQ today at 3:00. Labor Day BBQ. I should save my appetite, you think? Nah. Unless I want to turn into a monstrous bitch, I might as well go get something to eat.

2009-09-12T11:29:00.001-04:00

Interestingly, after I sent out a message to my friends about how displeased I am about gossip-mongering people, it coincidentally struck me that there was something about "gossip" that was said in a movie I watched before.

The part of the movie went like this: a priest was giving a sermon in the form of a story. He said: there was a woman who had a dream that a hand pointed upon her, which immediately made her overcome with guilt. The woman went to confession to ask the priest if that was the hand of the Almighty and if she was being accused of gossiping. She asked if gossiping is a sin and should she ask for absolution for her sin.

The priest replied: "YES, gossiping is a sin! It is a sin for you had borne false witness against somebody (8th commandment) and you had allowed somebody's reputation to make an ill judgement".

In absolution, the priest instructed the woman to go home and cut open a pillow with a knife and throw the torn pillow through a fire escape. The woman did as she was told and came back to tell the priest what she did. She was then asked what happened when she tore open the pillow with a knife. She said there were feathers... feathers all over and everywhere. The priest told her to go back and gather all the feathers. But the woman said she can't do that for the feathers were all over where the wind blew them. And at that, the priest said: "... and those feathers ... are gossip!".

Once you start a rumor or make an issue out something that holds no truth, the gossip spreads very quickly like a metastasizing cancer -- that you cannot stop!

2009-02-10T18:25:00.004-05:00

There are two sides to this. (But I gotta take a break... be back in a bit. Click)

2009-02-10T18:25:00.001-05:00

Why is it that, by nature, people cannot seem to find any contentment with what they already have -- and that which, with all its attributes, already exceed the ordinary? (Uhm. If I continue speaking in tongues, I'd end up not getting my message across).

For example: I want a house. So I got a house. But.. I want a house with furnishings. So I got the furnishings. But... I want new furnishings. So I got rid of the old to buy the new. And so on.. and so forth. Get my drift? It's like wanting to get to the top when in essence there is no top because it is endless. (Whatever it is).

There never seem to be this complacency in inward disposition... never a sense of fulfillment. There is always the need or the need to be. And with this kind of mindset, we believe that if we acquire whatever it is we "want", there will be happiness. But when does this "wanting for more" stop or will it ever stop? It seems that once we've reached the next rise, we still want to go one more level beyond.

This being the case, does it really give us contentment to "win the prize" of acquiring (or achieving)? I think not. Because I want more.. answers.

2009-02-10T18:24:00.001-05:00

Thu, April 5, 2007 at 10:55PM
If I want to tell you something... will you listen? Would you rather hear me whisper or should I say it out loud? Words cannot define. Feelings cannot illustrate. Actions cannot portray. How then can I convey?

It's not easy. It's the sentimentalism of the heart versus the rationality of the mind. Which one shall I take or which one will you bear?

I want to tell you.. but you will not hear it.

2009-02-10T18:23:00.001-05:00

Fri, April 6, 2007 at 03:48PM
...and meanwhile....what should I do? when everybody else got their own thing going on... do I just sit in the corner and wait for my queue???

Just like an ingrown toenail... it hurts; it stings; it annoys the schitt outta me!

Update on Sat, April 7, 2007 at 09:21AM by itsduhattityood
...and this is what I am trying to say... do not allow yourself to be 'second hand'. You are worth more than to be put in one corner to wait for your role to be played out. You are the captain of your soul and the master of your faith. Whatever you do, you "willed" yourself to do, but think... think well and good. Ask yourself: "am I worth this much or that much..or how much?"

Update on Sat, April 7, 2007 at 09:39AM by itsduhattityood
"Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives." - William James

2009-02-10T18:22:00.001-05:00

Although I was raised through the practices of the Catholic faith, observed the days of obligation during my younger years, went to Catholic school, had memorized every possible prayer there is... I am not religious. I am spiritual.
To be religious, in my own perspective, is to devout one's self in veneration to a particular religion. To be spiritual is to connect with a Supreme Being- of having the faith, the belief in One God. My statement is argumentative, I know. But for the sake of my writing, let me just say what I want to say.
People pray in different ways, for different reasons, at different times. I pray for one and only one purpose - that is to "reach out". Whether I am in need, in pain, or just having a 'super ecstatic' feeling, I reach out. I will admit, however, that the times I reach out when I am in agony outdo the times when I reach out to say "thank you". A shame, isn't it? Indeed, it is.
Many a time I pray out of obligation or habit, as in 'making the sign of the cross' and saying a quick "Lord's Prayer" before I leave the house. (Shame on me!) But the very few times I prayed in all sincerity, I did "PRAY". I talked to God with my heart.
Not too long ago, I felt this urge to stop by the chapel (a few blocks down the road by my house). I sat in one of the pews all the way in the back, not really knowing why I was there. I tensed for a while because it was very quiet - serene, I should say. Then I relaxed. I let go of all thoughts and set my mind to 'pray'.
I closed my eyes while I prayed the "Lord's Prayer, Hail Mary, Glory Be to the Father". I then opened my eyes to stare at the centerpiece that is representative of God's tabernacle. I do not know why - but I got overwhelmed with an unexplainable emotion that I started to cry. Before I knew it, I was talking 'with my heart' to Somebody who IS there but is really not there.
Silently in veneration, I opened myself. I talked about my fears. I talked about my hopes. I talked about my children, and my family, and my friends. I talked about work. I even talked about my dog. I talked about anything and everything, like I would talk to a anybody else. And talked I did. I spilled my heart out while I cried almost to the point of draining myself of tears.
The ambience was overwhelming... almost paralyzing. But there was this feeling of comfort, of harmony, of conciliation. I felt light-hearted. I felt free. I felt the inner peace that I never knew existed (or maybe I did, but I just refused to acknowledge the existence of such a thing because it was far from realistic in this age and time ... or so I thought.)
I felt whole, but not one. I no longer felt lost and alone.
What I experienced that day is something that you may or may not believe. But I did.

2009-02-10T18:21:00.001-05:00

There's a voice [what voice?] ... uhh that's creepy. Sshh! Just listen.

There's this voice that keeps asking me WHY. Why what? or What why? I mean, what the hell is this why all about? It's a form of calling. [Oooh creepy. Really creepy].

Stop and shut hole. Let me talk. or write. Just listen. or read. Do not interrupt. It's rude to interrupt.

What am I doing here and Why am I here? It doesn't make sense. I keep doing the same things over and over again. When am I supposed to turn the page? Or are there any pages left at all?
I look at life like a book. The stages of life represent a chapter and within those chapters are significant [or insignificant] pages.

I am now writing my book. But I'm stuck. I think I lost a page -- the page that links the last to the next. I can always make up a page. Create a page according to my liking. But it's not the same. It wouldn't be the same, would it?

I think the last chapter ended where I turned of age. And then what? I don't know. That's why I am stuck. This voice keeps asking me. It's like a parrot trained with endless phrases -- not complete sentences, but just fragments of an idea.

I don't want to admit it. I bet none of you would want to admit it either. I am growing old. YEAH. There's nothing wrong with growing old ~~ as long as you've "grown up" before growing old. This voice asks me again: "have you really grown up" to be considered grown old?"

NO. I don't think so. I have yet so many things to do... so many things to reach... so many tasks to complete. Emotionally, I will never grow old, but I need to grow up. I need to draw a line between what's real and unreal; between what's doable and not doable.

But how? Do I even have to time to spare to think about it when I seem to always run out of time. I'm always in a rush. Again, why? I don't know. It's complicated. I just don't know.

2009-02-10T18:19:00.001-05:00

..was digging into my old files and found two of my essays in Creative Writing and Commentary while I was in school. (Not that I like to read...but I had to make the grade ackk!) Rate it. Trash it. LOL.

~itsduhattityood
On Whitman’s Democratic Ideology by: Carlota Fuentes

How de we equate Walt Whitman’s democratic ideology and his philosophy of identity? In its simplest structure, democracy is a blessing—a transcendent liberation from any form of constraint, and a benefit—where an individual’s selfhood serves as an instrument to accomplish a goal.
Whitman’s ideology of democracy assumes an organization in which individuals make common decisions, choose common conduct, and express common values—a unity that will uphold the laws of nature, to the end that man may live harmoniously. It is plainly the prospect of extending a sense of oneness to each other. Though there could be conflicting interests, individuals advance on the premise of equality. Whitman strongly points out that democracy’s most central attribute is its revolutionary spirit, in which combined discipline of individualism can create a distinct national culture.
Nature is the essential quality of a thing, but when he talks about nature, Whitman refers to man’s innate attributes:
…The all-free theorem of individuality… known humanity, in its deepest sense, is fair adhesion to itself, for purposes beyond—and that finally, the personality of mortal life is most important with reference to the immortal, the unknown, the spiritual permanently real, which as the ocean waits and receives the rivers, waits for us each and all… (Whitman. DV, 970)
In my opinion, Whitman’s perception of humanity is a mass of eccentricities (feelings, dispositions, sympathies, or mental cultivation that deviate form a regulated mode) that conforms to the soul. The soul, in congruence with the “universal energy”, dictates what the self does: “The indirect is always as great and real as the direct. The spirit receives from the body just as much as it gives to the body” (Whitman, AB. 29). Everything that a person des has a direct link or relationship to the soul because “whatever satisfies the soul is truth…” (Whitman, AB. 31)
Because the body harmonizes with the soul, the soul is that which gives a person his unique identity. Whitman defines identity as a universal intrinsic holding: “The quality of Being, in the object’s self, according to its own central ideal and purpose, and of growing therefrom and thereto—not criticism by other standards, and adjustments thereto—is the lesson of nature (Whitman, DV. 960). In this passage, Whitman discovers individuality in each person’s profound difference. To support the statement that each individual is unique in his own way, Whitman states that: “He is a seer, he is individual, he is complete in himself… He does not stop for any regulations, he is the president of regulations”. (Whitman, AB. 15) Every individual is the master of his own will, but he is accountable for his actions. Only he can see the goodness or wickedness in him, and it is entirely up to him to direct himself.
Individuality is eccentricity. By eccentricity, I mean, not so much of the bizarre or the abnormal, but more of the “ordinary”—that which does not adhere to any norm—no idealizing or imposing of value judgments. Whitman proclaims that by uniting the body with the soul, the self does great works. Such union, thus, leads to the conviction that man has been released from the stipulations of time and space, and has been granted a direct vision of ineffable truths. This the true freedom for Whitman: “Freedom from all laws or bonds except those of one’s own being, controlled by the universal ones. To lands, to man, to woman, what is there at last to each, but the inherent soul, nativity, idiocrasy, free, highest-poised, soaring its own flight, following out itself?” (Whitman. DV [1] , 978). By freedom, Whitman means individuality; and by individuality, he means that no man should be restricted by any influence, control, or judgment of a “ruling other.” The only authority that man should heed to is his own self, and (according to Whitman) an abstract principle of universal energy, which is the soul. When Whitman speaks of the soul, he seems to refer to God; but unlike the more common perception of God as an almighty Being, to Whitman, God is the omnipresent strength—eternal and prevailing—that rules all existence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[1] Democratic Vistas. DV is used when referring to it.
Autism by: Carlota Fuentes
Autism is a neurological disorder that impairs the development of a person's capacity to interact with, communicate with, and also maintain regular normal bonds with the outside world.
Leo Kanner, an American psychologist, described this disorder in 1943. Autism is considered one of the more common developmental disabilities, affecting the brain in areas of social interaction, and verbal and non-verbal communication. It appears before the age of three and is known to be four or five times more common in males than in females. Statistic shows that autism occurs in 4.5 out of 10,000 live births, where the estimate of children having autistic qualities is reported to be 15 to 20 out of 10,000. The gender statement noted before is not uncommon, since many developmental disabilities have a greater male to female ratio.
Autistic characteristics are different from birth. Two more common characteristics that may be exhibited are the arching of the back while being held, to avoid contact, and also failing to anticipate being picked up (limpness in the body). Infants with autism are described as being either very passive, or very agitated. Sometimes during infancy there will be cases of head rocking, and or banging, against the crib, but this is not always the case. Approximately one-third of children develop normally until the ages of one and a half to three years, and then the symptoms emerge, referred to as regressive autism.
During childhood, there is a commonality of the affected child insisting routine. The reasoning is that the child is not able to cope with novel situations. Wearing the same clothes, or eating the same foods during meals, are examples. Tantrums can occur when these persevering behaviors occur.
Twenty years ago, most autistic individuals were institutionalized. Now only the most severe cases live in institutions. During adulthood, autistic individuals are known to live with their parents, in residential institutions, and some do live independently. Because there are so many forms of this disorder, it has been said that there is no true adjective to describe every type of person with autistic symptoms, or autism.
My research shows that there are no physiological tests that can be performed to determine whether a person has autism. The diagnosis is given when a person exhibits the characteristics of the disorder. In the last five years, researchers have agreed that those who display autistic characteristics are commonly suffering from other related but distinct disorders, such as Asperger Syndrome, Fragile X syndrome, Landau Kleffner syndrome, Rett syndrome, and Williams syndrome. Physiological researchers have discovered abnormalities within the brain, but the reason for the abnormalities is not known, and it is not known where the relation to autism lies. These abnormalities range from underdeveloped areas in the limbic system, to Vernal lobules VI and VII, being smaller than average. Biochemical research has found elevated beta-endorphins, relating to pain tolerance in autistic action. In the cognitive realm, there is much talk of the theory of mind, or the inability to realize that other people have their own unique view of the world.
Some Cognitive theorists think that the autistic person isn't able to understand that other people have different thoughts, plans, and perspectives than their own. Cognitive theorists also examine the 10% statistic of savant skills, an ability that is considered remarkable by most standards. These savant skills are usually spatial in nature. Interventions and therapies are difficult. Family theorists try to work with the family of the patient, to try to develop appropriate behaviors.
There is no reported drug that can be considered primary for the patient, although Ritalin is dispensed in many cases. Behaviorists look at the changing of behavior through positive reinforcement, behavior recess, and in turn examine the self-stimulatory and self-injurious behaviors. Physiological work such as visual training, and auditory integration training, is used to reduce sensitivities to sounds above normal range, or to sounds the patient can consider painful.
When it comes to autism, the most important thing to remember is that parents and doctors in the medical field are now realizing that there can be treatments, and interventions, that can be effective. In addition, note that Federal Law now requires the states to provide early intervention services for autistic children between the ages of one to three. The services exist to provide tools to develop the children academically, and socially.

2009-02-10T18:18:00.002-05:00

Sat, March 3, 2007 at 05:35PM
~by: Itsduhattityood

So it came to pass. 1/10 of a nanosecond, I celebrated my birthday. Between February 28 and March 1 of the year 2007. Amen. I am now... officially... 47 years old! Hurray!

What am I 'hurray-ing' for? I donno. (I'd be hurray-ing like a hyena if I look like that!)

Just thought it was cool to say hurray rather than Ugh. I've been saying too many "ughs" lately, it feels ghey. (slap me when you hear me say UGH... and imma slap ya back! haha. jus' kiddin')

Today, which is two/three days past my birthday, I promised myself I will stay away from the dammmm campoooter. No, I meant my laptop -- the one that makes my basement look like a demented office. Papers piled up so high, you'll have to use a shovel to get to the bottom. I gotta get to the bottom. I gotta pay my gas bill, else Imma be using candles.

Yeah. The company laptop. That black rectangular thing that makes you look so professional when you go to work while the bag that holds it hangs on your shoulder. And then you walk lop-sided (spell check?). Doesn't that make you feel like you're back in grade school?

Remind me to get back to the topic of grade school. Anyway, so I told myself "no more of this 'click-here-click-that". I've been working like a mule the last couple of weeks, I think I turned into one! No. I ain't gonna look at the mirror.

And why do I work so dammmm hard, you ask. It's a matter of 'make it or break it' situation. Uhm. Let's not talk about that coz now I'm starting to gravitate towards that black thing. And we don't want that.

Ok. I think I have 5 minutes left to kill my time -- before I head to the shower. (Sssh. I'mma go out tonight). Click!

Time to go... until we meet again. That'll be next week? LOL. I'll talk about grade school. I promise.

Update on Sun, March 4, 2007 at 04:56PM by itsduhattityood
The day after...

Hmmm. I'm surprised I don't feel sick after a huge chinese dinner and three glasses of zinfandel. I was expecting I'd feel yukky...considering... well, I'm now 47 ~ and I suppose my body should start falling apart?? haha!

Had a blast last night. Yep. (I know I should have acted "surprised", but dammmm ... Judy gave it away!! LOL) Truth is... I was indeed SURPRISED!! (well...after hearing the tribe woman say "you're not supposed to know!!" -- how am I not supposed to know?? d'oh!) --- not so much as the surprise itself, but of the fact that those people that I least expected to be there -- were THERE!! ...my heart melted. (uhm. but IF those I'd expected to see weren't there, I'd have thrown a fit! good thing, they were there too!)

OK. I hafta admit, I was a little teary-eyed. . Didn't realize until last night that... I'D GET A KICK OVER A Heinz "SPOTTED DICK" can of whatever that is (LOL) and a bottle of zinfandel and a card that matched my outfit (did ya see it? leopard print whoohooo!) with a pin that says "ANOTHER YEAR SEXIER"!! (uhm. I think I should really stop eating that vanilla ice-cream off of the container, ya think???) Gotta settle for that dammm green tea (it's sapppozed to make ya lose them fatz off yer body, mofo, LOL) to keep up with what the pins sez!!

And here's the scoop. I'm now lobbying to BOYCOTT CAFE 34!! It's a shame that after all the business we brought to that place, the management did not even consider giving us a once-in-a-while-special-treatment. Oh, yanno what I mean. They won't give you a table if you're only ordering appetizers. They'll tell you to eat your dinner within 20 minutes and move out of the dancefloor coz the stinkin' band will start to play. They'll pretend they don't know your face when all they see every dammm weekend is your face anyway. My opinion? I think the place is retarded. (Personally? Nuttin for nuttin'... That place spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E for me.) Other than the fact that there are a few waiters/waitresses who sincerely cared, and there are those two valet parking attendants (joey & ??? - they're not there anymore.. perhaps they went into the boycotting stuff too), I think the place is ghey!

Freedom of speech...come on down! Perhaps my lunacy in writing distorted commentaries in all my blogs (yeah, I do have two more current active blogs HE-HE-HE) might help me with this venture of 'getting even' with these S.O.B.'s (no, it doesn't mean Shortness Of Breath.. It means Sons Of Bitches!! -- so there!!).

If CAFE 34 got this positive commentary in newspapers about being " a good place to take your GF/BF for a good time with good food", then let me try balancing it off with an 'anti-positive' sentuhmental gripe of "the worst place to be when you want to give your date a good first impression because you'll both end up leaving the place all starved and deprived of quality service" Not to mention that you need to ... bring your own TOILET, and the truth of the matter that you'd be better off listening to the CD in your car and dancing in the parking lot!!

Nah! Hold up. I could do better than that. Lemme check my Ceektionary and come up with more a more drastic representation of how the froooooooooookn' place stinks!! (Whew). Oh trust me. By word of mouth, Napoleon will conquer. (Eh?!)

Enuff said. Don't get me started here. The monster ain't ready to come out yet.

Stay tuned. (FYI... I am not an arsonist. LOL. But if the place burns down, it means 'voodoos do work, after all'!) bahahaha!

2009-02-10T18:16:00.001-05:00

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.”

—Fran Lebowitz (b. 1950), author

I'm not supposed to get upset. I'm not allowed to get upset. But here I sit with steam coming out of my nostrils. Come to think of it, it's a waste of precious energy to even bother with it. Uhm. Hear me out and you tell me...

I once wrote about jealousy. But I'm going to talk about it today because that is the bottom of it all.

Jealousy is that ickkky feeling of discomfort when you see somebody own things, or acquire things, or possess things that you don't. It could be as little as a material belonging or as big as a desperate "wish to be" -- a "wann-be". You covet the personal attributes, the advantages, and the accomplishments. And it is just eating you up inside. Hah! Tough schitt, scherlock!!
So then, how do you vent out that frustration? How do you let that green monster crawl out of your system? It's either you schmack the other person right in the face and get it over with, or you simply roll out your brainless sappy antics disguised in your "oh-so-obvious' phony sweetness. It is a crying shame how your insecurity flashes out like a red flag. You can't even hide that bitter resentment from your expositions. It is indeed pathetic!

Really, now. Why do I feel perturbed and disquieted? If it didn't bother me, I would have been snoring by now (it is 10:42 p.m. already, by the way). BUT NO! Here I am trying to assuage the clamor of upheaval caused by one nitty-gritty remark.

It bothers me when a person doesn't know how to communicate. The language one speaks -- speaks of the person itself. The lack of diplomacy in communicating the message can drop the bomb, so to speak. Now, whether my perception's standards are way too strict or not, that is not the point. The point is:"be POLITE", in whatever you say or do. Don't act like the bitch that I am! LOL. I don't want any other BITCH "over-bitch" me! Ha-ha.

Sssh. I hear a voice telling me to snitch it out: "yeah, monn, get even monn!" and another telling me to give it up: "dork, it's not worth a sleepless night". Hmmm. Which one will I choose? Should I drum out the "memo" or should I just brush it off like a lint from my sleeve?

2009-02-10T18:13:00.001-05:00

Do not make it an obligation to love someone.

Love because you feel love. Love because you are in love. Love because you do not need to need but you want to give. Love because it makes you feel good to love and it makes you feel good about yourself, not because you want someone to just feel good. Love is not an obligation.

Love because during someone's darkest hours, you will be there. Love because during your joyous moments, you have someone to share. Love because you know someone is loving you too.

~itsduhattityood

YUP. I wrote this! Please do share your thoughts of love...

2009-02-10T18:12:00.001-05:00

Thu, February 1, 2007 at 07:45PM
~itsduhattityood

These last couple of days, I have been in a really 'catty' mood. It's weird. I'm not usually like this. I could hardly blame it on that "monthly episodic incubus" -- it's not even that time yet. It could very well be due to the stress of daily living without a venting avenue.

And of course, during this temperamental dump, nobody would dare come near me. Even my kids have to put up their guard as soon as they see the tidal wave coming. They could tell my irritability from 500 feet away. Anything and everything can ignite this demoniacal mood, no matter how nonsensical they could be. I could easily enumerate the things that irk me (or has irked me these last couple of days), but I will not aggravate myself by recounting them. I will, however, talk about the most recent "bummer" that caused my feathers to get ruffled all the more.

I know for a fact that some remarks or comments are cast innocently; not meaning to offend or insult. But considering the hideous predicament I am in at this moment, the remark is nothing but distasteful.

"Do not eat too much... I like your body the way it is right now". A sensible person will see absolutely nothing wrong with the statement. A crabby person (ME) will negatively take the statement in twofold measure. (1) If I continue to eat the way I eat, I will be FAT in no time (hah!); (2) If I get fat -- as in 'unlike what my body is right now', I will no longer be liked. As stupid as my perception sounds, it is relatively congruent to my current state of mind. Am I right or am I right? (Of course, I'm right. I say so!)

The question now is... should I let this remark bother me -- as my reaction, apparently, is only a product of my "sentimental indulgence"? Or should I make a big deal out of it -- because, after all, I am a woman? I have the right to be offended. And a feminist rule is "do not talk about a woman's weight" unless you are ready to take the consequences.

2009-02-10T18:10:00.002-05:00

Thu, February 8, 2007 at 05:54PM
by: itsduhattityood

Yup. Indeed, it has been awhile (uhm.. two days?) since I've blogged. Am I becoming "un-blogged" I wonder. It seems like the epidemic rush of a blogger's craving (in me) to blog has subsided. Has it?

Could it be because my 'sentuhmentz' lately have not been as intense as it used to be? OR... perhaps on the contrary -- my 'sentuhmentz' are just too "all-consuming" that I am finding it hard to bring it out in the open.

I'd say.. it's all of the above. And more.

Hearing the shocking news on the radio, of Anna Nicole Smith's sudden death, it made me start to wonder. I am not an avid fan of the woman, but the jolt of her unexpected death made it an interesting theorization. What is it like to be in her shoes? Not as the infamous bombshell (LOL), but as the woman scorned for the way she lived her life.

It must be very tough. Rough, I should add. She did all she can, using what she got, in every way she could to reach for her star. And accomplish she did. BUT along with the fame, the power, and the fortune is the toll she has to pay - a life without life.

Anybody can argue with my opinion-- heck, everybody's got their own supposition in any matter, for that matter! This is just my two cents.

Hard-knockin' reality -- a lot of times we envy those who we think must "have gotten it all". I, for one, am guilty of that. Other than the thought of giving way to a woman's vanity (I wish I am like that... or have that... or be that..) I didn't think anything else could be wrong. I didn't think these "lucky bastids" could have the same problems as I have, or could suffer the same agonies as I do.

Realizing now that everyone of us (uhm yeah.. not just me, mofo!) has our own lives towards which our choices were made, my life isn't "that bad" afterall. Because from those choices, it is up to us to "make do" -- to live a life. It is not the sorrows that matter... it is how we deal with the sorrows that make the difference. It's the attitude!

2009-02-10T18:10:00.001-05:00

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
Buddha

Harp on these words for a second. What does it tell you? Doubt is distrust. Distrust injures a relationship.
When you start questioning - whether they be actions or feelings or thoughts - you negate the fruitfulness of the relationship. Think about it before you jump into the ocean of doom. What you say or do may not ever be undone.

2009-02-10T18:09:00.001-05:00

It never fails. Never. Everytime the horizon looks brighter, a dark cloud will hover to try and pour rain upon the setting.

It is not fair. To suffer the consequences of an assumed guilt over and over again can be mentally depleting and emotionally distressing. And at this state of mind, I do not have the strength to struggle for victory because it is not about winning. It is not about being in the wrong or being in the right. It is just about trying to overcome the torment of condemnation. CONDEMNATION. An expression of disapproval or discontent over a misguided judgement.

It is not fair. To perpetually carry the 'sins' of the past and not be given the chance to justify the misdeed... is frustrating. I always have to be on my guard... to walk on eggshells as I contend with that little voice that denounces my every act into a wrongdoing.

It is not fair. To come too close to the person who fills that celestial sphere with brightness, only to be tarnished by a speck of dirt.. is absolutely dispiriting.

Where have I gone wrong? Is it really me? Is it ME and my queer self-expression that does not conform with virtuous conduct? Is it ME and my relentlessly insolent attitude that goes beyond the limits of social acceptance?

Is it ME for being ME?

2009-02-10T18:07:00.001-05:00

When I'm at work, I'm preoccupied with work.

No. Really.

There's so much 'schitt' to do, sniffy bosses to see, "waste-of-my-time" meetings to go to, blah blah blah. That will pretty much take up about four hours of my prime time. The other half of the day, it's either I'm running around like a chicken without a head (because the person who is supposed to give me a 'hand' probably fell down the 'black hole of doom' -- that's what we call those "closed doors teleconferences" that last for a lifetime! ugh), or I'm mentoring a 'newbie' on "how to pay attention to the tutor when you're being tutored, demmmit! stop daydreaming." It's bad enough that this person's cognitive functions aren't working to his benefit, it's even worse when he does the "hands-on" then he fumbles through the keys. Sheeesh! I thought my mother is the only one who cannot find her way around campooooters LOL...but I'll be glad to tell her she ain't!! LOL.

Actually, that's really not the reason why I'm ranting LOL. (Sorry, I got carried away again!). What I'm trying to convey here is that I don't mind the work, the nature of the work, or the workload on my plate. The more preoccupied I am, the better. Time passes by quickly and it puts my brain cells to work. But when you have to deal with 'colleagues' who think they know everything that is in the book of Moses, and who treat you like you're just another lowbrow number off the streets -- that's truly aggravating.

In fairness to this person, we got along fairly well the first time I got on board. And even if she was from another department, we (and a couple more yappies) managed to eat lunch together as a group and chitchat while we share our lunches. (Aww. Just like high school.)

When we had the first inter-departmental meeting, she and I were both participants representing our departments. Maybe I came on a little too strong chanelling my point across (you know how squiggly and voluble I can get when I'm in a good mood). Perhaps that put her on a "whooooa" state of mind. (I wasn't being arrogant. I just get hyped up when I know my schitt -- and I do know my schitt.. so I was hyped up! LOL).

Then we talked about roles and responsibilities and titles and 'what-can-you-do', 'how-do-you-do-that', and schitt -- and things were not the same again after that. Go figure. According to the Ceeyanese book of "What Does It Mean When the Monkey Screams" ~ monkeys give out a screeching, shrilling howl when they feel that another monkey would get their banana. (Oh, for heaven's sake! Do I look like a monkey who steals bananas??? LOL).

Needless to say, the following interactions with her were more of a defiant show of colors, rather than working together as a team. And of course, nature has its own way of making our roads always cross -- just to aggravate the situation. Acck. What a dismay. It's has since then become a road block.

I tried to keep the interpersonal relationship to a "neutral"... so to speak.

It came to pass that I needed her approval signature on some documents (friggin' piece of crap). I dragged my butt into her dingy office and boy... Did I see that evil rejoicing in her face or what? Grrrr! I was at her mercy because I needed the approval pronto! Did you think she was not gonna do it? (cliffhanger)

2009-02-10T18:06:00.001-05:00

In a recent post ( http://itsduhattityood.squarespace.com/blogs/2007/1/20/ramblin-bloggin.html ), I wrote about the blog. It was not specifically to define a blog. I just didn't have anything to say or post, for that matter.

After the decline of my first blog -- (the one which contained more nonsensical blurbs than resolute facts but still attracted readers to a point )-- I felt glum. The blog had reached its barren state. Nobody seemed to be appeased with it anymore. It was pointless to keep going. I cut the cord. I didn't actually delete it, but I had denied access to it. I purposely placed myself in a desolate position so that I may not be reached nor seen nor heard. It was lonesome.

I "killed" my first blog not because I have given up my passion for blurbing. Hell no! I wanted to reach a bigger audience, not just limited to a chosen few. I wanted to explore the possiblity of building a bigger group of readers who are "blog enthusiasts" -- willing to communicate and advocate. No holds barred.

Over the next couple of days following the "demise" of my blog (hah! and I gave it a ceremonial wake) I laboriously hammered my brain to come up with another blog space that will be a reincarnation of my beloved blog. Through hell and high waters I tried various ways to create a blog (in a blog space) that was uncomplicatedly readable and accessible.

When finally I settled on this oh-so-interesting application on how to create your own website, with all the colors and styles and designs to choose from, affording me the freedom to express my artistic inclination (ugh! what garbage! there I said it for you. Put those eyebrows down and pay attention), I then found myself in a disconcerting position. I was stuck. Other than copying and pasting all my old writings and all the daffy articles I compiled, my mind was blank. Nada.

Now I am back to square one. I have to rebuild the motivation of writing my thoughts down in an instant -- in order to catch up with what I had already started. I had already invited quite a huge audience -- from family, to relatives, to friends, to strangers (?) jus' kiddin' .. even (dishearteningly) invited my antagonists LOL. Not to mention the fact that this blog is now on the internet - Schitt. The information superhighway cannot wait or I lose my chance like a lead balloon. I MUST come up with something. I Must.

2009-02-10T18:05:00.001-05:00

I think one of the reasons why (I am going to just use this blog as an example) this blog is not getting enough comments is because of what I call "blog fright". Just as we use the term 'stage fright' on people who turn into stone once they get onstage, I'd say there are readers who suffer from blog fright.

Relatively, I will define blog fright according to my perception. Blog fright is simply the fear of posting a comment. The reasons may vary. But definitely, one of them is that they don't want to be identified, as a person, or as a blogger. Perhaps, blogging, for them is nothing but a pointless scheme to advertise something. Well... to each his own. And I respect whatever opinion, description, conviction there is to say about blogging.

The solution: keep reading blogs. Read. Read. Read until you get to the point where you cannot take it anymore and you just find yourself pointing to the "comments" box and hitting the POST A COMMENT button!@ ... No schitt, Einstein! You're caught! LOL

2009-02-10T18:04:00.001-05:00

Inconsiderate. I hate inconsiderate people. They are the ones who don't "give a schitt" or care about how their actions affect others. They carry on with what they are doing or what they are about to do without regard for the rights or feelings of others (Wordnet2.1; 2005 Princeton University: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/inconsiderate). Being inconsiderate is rude, disgusting, offensive, obnoxious, irritating... (I could go on and on and on).

Just for the heck of it, I am going to list down the things that people did (and still do) that make their way to my schittlist:

At the grocery store, during the holidays (take note: holiday ... busy busy), a woman (it's gotta be a woman! will push a cart-full of items on the express line register that has a sign:"12 items or less" and holds the line because she has 50 items in her cart. (demmmmit! express lanes are for those who have only one or two items to buy and are in a hurry that's why it's called "express" duh!) And check this out... I bet this woman will have no qualms arguing with the cashier about the price of an item if she has to -- hence holding the line. INCONSIDERATE.

On the highway, during rush hour, a car steadily cruises at 55 mph because the driver is tyapping (it's ceeyanese for "talking and yapping" LOL) on the damn phone -- and lucky me, I'll be the one tagging behind this car because I can't drive pass him. INCONSIDERATE.

Again, using the damn phone, there'll be at least one person in a doctor's office's waiting room, chatting in a volume like she is in her house. Mind you, this is a doctor's office -- with sick people. INCONSIDERATE.

At a busy parking lot, I spot a parking space and put my blinkers on, indicating "I saw it first", but another car apparently with more room to maneuver, takes the damn parking spot. INCONSIDERATE.
I could fill up this damn blog with instances and stories of how inconsiderate some people can be. I'm sure I am not the only one who witnesses these acts of thoughtlessness - you do too. (I'm going to shut hole now because I don't want to be inconsiderate of the fact that I might be boring you - ppfft! LOL). Why don't you share your stories...

2009-02-10T18:03:00.001-05:00

Sun, January 21, 2007 at 09:10AM
I've seen a lot of drama... been involved in quite a few dramas; heck, let's blog about drama!

Drama is theatre. It is a representation of a series of events amplified by conflicting emotions. The emotions are vivid, strong, and intense. Drama is not drama without the twists and turns of events that give it its complexity. But drama should just remain a theatre. Nothing but... a play.

Let's face the truth. There's always drama in our life. Without it, life would be dull -- as white as washboard (hmmm.. where did I hear that term???). But sheeeeeeeeshhh lawwdhavmerci!! Let us not thrive upon its passion as if it is the only way to live a life. Let's not over-exaggerate the drama that becomes us or that which identifies us! Snap out of it -- and say "ET...back to earth...text message come home!" It is ok to sprinkle a little drama in our lives "once in a while", to keep the fire burning, so to speak, like a child at play. It is ok to let loose of that child, act like a child... but keep the leash on. AMen.

2009-02-10T17:59:00.004-05:00

How would you feel if you find out, from out of the blue, that your child holds a sentiment that you find hard to respond to because you cannot categorize it as amongst the norm of your relationship with the kid? The norm being that of frustration (because you feel that no matter what you do or how you do it, you cannot get your message across), that of annoyance (because you are so tired from a long day's work and you have to cook dinner), that of sadness (because you feel the guilt of not having spent quality time with your kids), that of anger (because you feel you lost control of your life). Hmm. We do have issues here, don't we?

Once again, being the nosey mother that I am, I chanced upon my daughter's latest blog. Ok, ok.. so it was not a chance. It was more of "on purpose" ~ say, it's a "lemme check what's in her blog today" kind of thing, yanno!

So on my merry way I went browsing. Little did I know that what I will have read today would change the way I see the "other person" that my daughter has grown into.
Read on...

UNaPPRECiATEd;;
Current mood: depressed

So upset.
So sensitive.
So hurt.
How Miranda Feels Right Now.

Yes, i'm feeling REALLY unappreciated. Like nobody cares about the things I do. Like i'm so strong, and everything you say can just go right through me.

For me, it was LIKE that. Not anymore. My brother has always been the person to just keep pushing me to the edge, but today he went over the limit. Today I was supposedly in a bad mood.According to my brother I am as follows: cow/ noob/dumb/ fat/ spoiled && more.

I just hate how everyone has to keep toying with my emotions and just can't be nice to me;; even for a little. And it's always the same people. When I was little I had ALWAYS cared about my brother. No matter how many times we fought, no matter how many times HE was wrong, but I still said that it was me that was wrong, no matter how many times he called me names, no matter how many times he made me cry, no matter how many times he made me not tell mom what he did to me to make me mad, no matter what.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so kindd. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so.. nice to everyone. It's like I always care about other people's feelings. When I was little and I went to the store with my mommy, I would always get some kind of candy. You know, the ones that are located by the register. Yeah, i'd always get TWO. Why two? There's only ONE of me. It's because I always gave the SECONd one to my brother.

And for some reason, I always look up to my brother. And so i'm basically, ALMOST, like him. Music is our strongest point, video games are a MUST;; not to mention how good we are at them;; stupid remarks;; everything comes from him.

Lately, i've realized how he does things. When ever he sees cousins that live far away, he has to be cool. He NEEDS to feel like he's accomplished more than them, and that he's still the coolest. He shows them all of his cool songs that he's made on his super electrical keyboard//piano, and then he has to still be funny. So what better way is there to be funny other than to make fun of someone? Of course the victim ALWAYS gets to be ME. Hooray. >.> So yes, I get to be called a cow, stupid, spoiled, dumb, retarded, "noob", fat, and the NEW: Nikki Jr. (Meaning one of those teens that act like preps or whatever and try mad hard to fight back).

So what did Jeffrey do this time? What did he do to PUSH ME OFF THE EDGE? Well i'll tell you... Today we went to ON THE BORDER. Yes, and we all sat down and ate. And my mommy wasn't there. Nahh, it was Jeffrey, Clarissa, Rachel, and me. So there was no FREE meal here, we all paid for ourselves. I didn't mind paying for myself, but I didn't know I was paying for Rachel too. Now, I don't mind paying for Rachel, but Jeffrey just volunteered my kindness out. Clarissa handed Jeffrey some money for Rachel, but Jeffrey said STOP. And he kept telling Clarissa that I would pay for her. Again, I don't care, but you could at least notify me first. And I didn't really want to pay for her all that much this night. But don't think that i'm selfish or whatever, because I pay for Rachel a LOT. And I was running low on money, but I still would do it. So then Clarissa hands ME the money. Jeffrey says not to take it, but of course Clarissa says to take it. So I slowly took it, and Jeffrey says it. Yes, IT.

He basically told me to stop being spoiled. He BASiCALLY said that I always get what I want and that I should change. So let me know how i'm SPOiLEd. I DON'T let my mommy pay for the stuff I want anymore. I'm the one that pays for it. Not unless it's like clothes or food or somethingg. But normally, all the stuff I want, I pay for. Of course there's the little things that come from no where that she does pay for. Which i'm THANKFUL for, so it's not like I do it all the time or somethingg.

I wanna know how I can be UNkind. I'm not bragging about myself, i'm just telling you. This is what I do:

I buy people presents for no reason. Just because I went to the store and saw something they liked, so I went to buy it for them. There's no occasion though.
Most of the time when someone needs some lunch money, I give them the money, because they tell me that they'll pay me back. And most of the timee, they don't.
I'm always concerned on how others feel. It's hard for me to be REALLY mean to people and actually mean it, because I don't want them to get hurt.I honestly think that I don't ask for anything from someone.
Well sure I ask;; but HARdLY. So of course for all these little things that I do, I sort of feel like I want to be rewarded for it. Does that sound kind of selfish or somethinggg? Well not to me.

On Christmas we didn't get anythingg;; nobody did. I got something small from my mom, some money from my dad, some presents from friends (which i am HiGHLY thankful for), a present from my grandma, and some money from my other grandparents. Not my last birthday, but the birthday BEFORE that, nothing happened. We were supposed to go somewhere, but we didn't. They were gunna buy me a cake, but they didn't. Instead some unexpected relatives came over. Without notice. All I got that day was.. a quick birthday song, but it was only to wake me up and get out of bed.

Yeah, when I was little I was pretty spoiledd I guess. But not all the way. I mean, almost every small kid was spoiled at least a LiTTLe. And I was a bad little kid. Causing havoc every now and then, but then I grew up. I really don't like how people keep thinking i'm still that same little kid.

For example: My aunt won't let my cousin come over because she thinks that we're gonna do bad things, like jump on walls and stuff. These were the kinds of things I used to do when I was a kid. She also thinks that my mom doesn't watch us. Well she kind of doesn't, but that really doesn't even matter. My mom taught me how to be independent, and how to be smart about things. She taught me how to live ON MY OWN. So I sorta do.

Well of course my aunt still thinks that i'm that rotten little kid and so she doesn't let her come and sleep over. Example DOS: I think it goes the same for my mom. I guess i'm kind of annoyed how she keeps telling me the same things. And i'll admit that maybe 2 years ago, I would just let whatever she said go through one ear and out the other. But not anymore.

It hurts me to realize that she can't see that i've already grown out of that. I basically already know what to do everyday. Do the dishes, take care of Pepper, get the mail, and other random things that she wants me to do. Some days I don't do them because i'm tiredd, and sometimes I feel so worn out. And it annoys me how she thinks that she's the only one that can get tired everyday. And I understand that she gets tired and that's why I don't get upset with her when she doesn't take me places or anything like that;; it's because she's tired. But I don't get how she thinks that i'm just full of energy; that I can clean the whole house, do my homework, and just about everything else in one day.

And so now i'm thinking..It really hurts me. Like it brings me to tears.. when my mom ignores me. When everything I have to say has to wait. Like she just can't take 80 seconds tops just to hear what I have to say.

Sometimes I feel so UNimportant to everyone. For example:This morning//afternoonish morning, my mom was talking to Jeffrey and asking him what he was gonna do with his life. Now I don't wanna be in the kind of position that my brother is in. He just kinda quit college. Well as almost all of you know, I have this really nice voice;; and I wanna put it to work. So I wanted to ask my mom a question. She told me to wait;; she told me that she was talking to Jeffrey. So I waited. I felt so unimportant. What was my question? It was.. "What state is Juliard in?". I wanted to know, so that I could see where i'd have to go so that I could be in that college. At least i'm thinking about where i'm trying to be. At least i'm thinking about WHO i wanna be. Just ignoring what I thinkk makes me wanna not do anything about my future plans.

I bet you that I went totally off topic. But i'm sorry;; I was just sort of "venting". But honestly;; I love everyone and i'm thankful for what they have given me so far. Everything, especially my mom. Being her is probably the hardest. Even HOMELESS people have it better than her. I feel guilty for making her stressed sometimes, but sometimes she does it to herself, and she doesn't knowww, so it kinda goes to me. If you seriously read this all, then you deserve some kind of award.

Thank you for caring;; or at least being bored enough to read all of it.

Comments;; concerns? I'd like to hear them.

Whoooooaa!

I am speechless. Blah. Momentarily devoid of feeling as I stare blankly on the wall. The revelation took its toll and now I'm lost. This is like a scene from a movie where the audience get to utter the 'ooohs' and 'ahhhs' or jump up from the seat in exhilaration, or wipe off a drop of tear that trickled down the nose. But my reaction is "did I miss something?", "What is going on?" I must have dozed off during one of the more intriguing parts of the movie because I do not have a clue!

Guilt is starting to creep up on me. Where have I been? How could I have been too preoccupied to not have known of this predicament? STOP. Stop right there. Before I start blaming myself, let me step back and think. (And my thoughts will have to go into another post!.. so stand by!) ~ItsduhAttityood
end

Update on Sun, January 21, 2007 at 07:25PM by itsduhattityood
I guess I've waited long enough to keep quiet and assess my feelings on this particular issue. I wanted to make sure that my response is impartial of my feelings. Knowing myself, I tend to be subjectively emotional.

While it is true that my daughter may have felt the anguish of being neglected, it is also true that she is apparently going through the "what do I want to be?" "how should I feel?" "how should I act/react?" stage of adolescence. We all went through that confusing, if not terrifying, phase. In as much as we don't want to accept it now that we have grown out of it, we did over-react to at some instances at that time. And I think this is a good example of one of those instances.

This is not to say that I am inculpable. I admit that I am very much at fault for aggravating the affliction by being pre-occupied 99% of the time, which makes me a candidate for the "unfit mother" crown. However, being pre-occupied does not necessarily mean I am totally unaware of the "goings-on". In fact, I am in the know. And this "lack of concern" is but a way of showing who is the adult in the house.

For instance: I assigned chores to be done on a regular basis - regardless of any situation that could have prevented the completion of the task. (Except of course, in extreme cases). Are the chores being accomplished on that "regular" basis? NOPE. And these are not difficult or overwhelming chores (as compared to what we had on our plates during our times). Therefore, the mother in me reacts in a variety of emotion: anger, annoyance, frustration, etc. Until finally, one has to give up. The mother.

Would you have held a grudge against your child for what she had put you through? Of course not. All you can do is to step back and reposition. And that I did (and still do). And in so doing, I encroach myself into impassiveness so that I can give the impression of "You don't abide by my rules, then I don't care -- you're on your own". (This mode of action may be not frowned upon by the majority of you-mothers. But hey, again, I say: to each his own). The advantage of this, on the other hand, is finding out how the child will carry through, given the situation. In this case, I found out that she understands what it is to be independent and strives to be one.
The downside: oftentimes, the feeling of helplessness on my part overpowers all senses of direction. The seemingly loss of control of authority cripples the goal of putting things in perspective. Hence the giving in and the giving up. Temporarily. Until all participants in this drama are back to their normal selves ... and they will -- live happily ever after. (I'm glad that made you fall asleep. I always thought I am a good story-teller!) LOL.

~ItsduhAttityood

Update on Mon, January 22, 2007 at 05:29PM by itsduhattityood
From the old (edition) of the blog, a response was posted regarding this topic:

BitchinAngel said...
Wow I actually sat and read thru all of that. And Miranda I give you credit for venting and basically being yourself. Young or old we all know the feeling of *not feeling important* Sometimes all it takes for us to *snap out of it* is to weigh the situation. Maybe even take a piece of paper and write the good on one column the bad on the other. Maybe it's only then we see that although the ones we love may make us mad and feel unappreciated, the good far outweighs the bad. Keep your head up Miranda and keep on writing it cleanses the mind and soul :o)

Joanne :o)

Thu Jan 18, 08:55:00 PM
MiRaNdA;; said...
UHM.
WHY iS THiS HERE!?

makes plans to destroy mommy's computer- hihi

2009-02-08T23:22:00.001-05:00

HATE? LOATHE? EXECRATE? DESPISE?
—Synonyms 1. loathe, execrate; despise. Hate, abhor, detest, abominate imply feeling intense dislike or aversion toward something. Hate, the simple and general word, suggests passionate dislike and a feeling of enmity: to hate autocracy. Abhor expresses a deep-rooted horror and a sense of repugnance or complete rejection: to abhor cruelty; Nature abhors a vacuum. Detest implies intense, even vehement, dislike and antipathy, besides a sense of disdain: to detest a combination of ignorance and arrogance. Abominate expresses a strong feeling of disgust and repulsion toward something thought of as unworthy, unlucky, or the like: to abominate treachery.
(American Psychological Association (APA):
hate. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved April 06, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hate)
Too strong a word. Yet it fits just fine. At least for the time being... while I drown in self-pity.
Damn me. I hate that hateful hate; loathe that loatheful loathe; despise the despicable desp?? WTFFFFFF?
I am not in the brightest of bright days, as you can tell. I have this need to push -- as in push somebody off a cliff LOL. I am evil today -- I guess the devil is trying to tempt. Ah temptation. And appropriately on Good Friday!
What do you do when you're' in such a temperament? Kill yourself? Hell no. That hurts. Besides, that's something you cannot say "ooops. I goofed. Let's start over". You can only say OOpps once. And only once.
Retrospect. Why this feeling? <>.
A combination of blah's and boo-hoo's and bahahah's. Hate is too strong a word. Let me use "irk" -- that's more of annoyance. Nah. Let's go back to disgust. Yeah. Better.
I am disgusted. At myself. Why? Because I let myself be carried away by the need to need, the need to want, the need to have. And that puts me in a predicament where I have no control of my actions. And when things get out of hand, that's when resentment seeps in. Blah!
Oh boy. Now it's resentment. Funny... don't you see? How one word leads to another. For the same matter, how one sentiment leads to another.. and another.. and another... until everything just seems to be a puddle of mixed kadoodles.
From hatred, to disgust, to irkness, to resentment. Whooa. That's a handful. Again, you ask... Why?
I don't like it. Ok. I hate it. I hate it when I feel this way. Insecure. (Where the hell did that come from?) "uhm. I 'onno. <-- that's how my daughter writes it. I 'onno!! Bhahaha!
Ok. Wait. Just my style. I have to stop. Take a break. A breather I always say. I'll be back...

2009-02-08T23:21:00.001-05:00

Vanilla ice-cream. Canollis. Tostitos. Cadbury Roasted Almond chocolate bar.
Munch. Crunch.

Do not think of food when you are in your darkest hour. It will make you FAT! Hah! I am already fat, so what have I got to lose? I know what I am going to lose -- Sleep.

Lose sleep over my own stupidity. No. It's worse than that. It is idiocy.

Ah. Why is this tongue so vile? Because it is torment to knowingly engage in the tangled web of deceit. It is less disparaging to swallow a spoonful of poison than to realize what a big blind fool one has become in the name of ____.

Let me just say it and get it over with. I'm done. Monkey no more. I owe it to myself to retreat while self-respect is still intact.

POOF.Update on Sun, April 8, 2007 at 02:47AM by itsduhattityood
There are three characteristics of a hypocrite: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he acts treacherously; and when he is trusted, he betrays.
Islam. Hadith of Muslim
Update on Sun, April 8, 2007 at 03:16AM by itsduhattityood
She cries. She will weep in silence until the grief turns her heart to stone. Rightfully so. She gave it all she got. Day in and day out, nothing occupied her mind but thoughts of beautitude to come.

Never. Never will that day arrive. It ends here. It ends now. Take it with an 'attityood'.

2009-02-08T23:19:00.001-05:00

Increase your vocabulary.... A meddler ~ is that what you call a person who, out of nowhere, jumps into a discussion, or involves "itself" unwantedly (add dictionary: unofficially) just because???

The meddling is actually not the point of the matter. It's the "meddling without knowledge of what" ~ whatever the case may be.

And you know what's more annoying???? The anonymity. Period.

I rest my case. ~itsTODAYsAttityood.

Update on Thu, April 12, 2007 at 11:44PM by itsduhattityood
P.S. Marinduque: Any thoughts? Calm me down before I jump out of the window (uhm. that wasn't very original. I know somebody who used to say that! hehehe),

I'm going to hit the sack/rack/snack/quack-quack. Can't be late (again) tomorrow.

2009-02-08T23:18:00.001-05:00

Sat, April 14, 2007 at 09:45AM
Most of the time we find ourselves stuck with thoughts that cannot find their way out to be expressed. That's not "most of the time" for me... it's "all of the time"!! So then I rely on quotations from philosophers and people whose principles and experiences define (or somehow) lay forth that which are in my mind.
Give me not your two cents... give me ten. Mould these quotations into one serious thought and let me know what I AM thinking ~fromYESTERDAYsAttityood

"If the other person injures you, you may forget the injury; but if you injure HER you will always remember." - Kahlil Gibran

"Nothing happens by itself... it all will come your way, once you understand that you have to make it come your way, by your own exertions." - Ben Stein

"When a man has not a good reason for doing a thing, he has one good reason for letting it alone." - Thomas Scott

"This is our purpose: To make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us; To live in such a way that we may be proud of ourselves; To act in such a way that some part of us lives on." - Oswald Spengler

"Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move." - Real Live Preacher

"Each time you are honest and conduct yourself with honesty, a success force will drive you toward greater success. Each time you lie, even with a little white lie, there are strong forces pushing you toward failure." - Joseph Sugarman

2009-02-08T23:16:00.002-05:00

With all these articles about friends and friendship that I read, with all the nice words and token of appreciation, with all the emotions that envelope that relationship ~~ what does a FRIEND really mean?

Funny how we write all these poetry of intense feelings and stuff, and yet, not one has come up with the simplest meaning (at least as far as I am concerned) of a friend.

It took one disastrous situation (LOL... let's say, a "swimming" situation ha ha) for me to realize the value of friendship.
And I will define it in my own term: FRIEND: through hell and high waters, a friend is one phone call; no and(s), if(s), or but(s).

I'll leave that up to you to analyze what that means. All I can say is... thank you, FRIEND (even though you are the 'biatch' that you are... I luv ya)! All I really needed was that one phone call (which you made with no BS whatsoever) to make sure that I am OK and I ain't cryin'! LOL

Hey. I'm the one in the picture who is crying. Ain't I cute?!!# LOL

2009-02-08T23:16:00.001-05:00

There's really not much I can do. My hands are tied. I don't even have any choice.

Outside I am bubbly. Inside I am dead. I am scarred all over that there isn't any ounce of verve left to keep me going.

I'm tired. I am all consumed by weariness. I can no more rationalize the "why", much more accommodate the "how". I now feel the pangs of resentment and the misery of reproach.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
I want to live, not just exist. I want to play the lead... it's time I take the center stage. It gets lonely and dark beyond the curtains while I continue to struggle behind the scenes.

I feel empty. I feel drained. I feel weak-kneed to overcome the adversities I once courageously faced. I can't go on... truly, I can't.

The clock is a ticking time-bomb foreshadowing what little chance I have left each time I decline to change my route.

No more of that. It is indeed time to make a move and start living...

Update on Mon, April 16, 2007 at 08:19PM by itsduhattityood
NOBODY can make us do what we don't want to do unless we allow them to restrict us; NOBODY can make us feel the way we feel unless we allow them to overpower us. NOBODY else can give us true happiness unless we give ourselves that privilege.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own eccentricities that we get into the habit of blaming others for what have become of us. We get so hampered in our self condolement that we feel the world owes us a better life -- and if indeed we fall into that dark hole of abandonment, we cry out loud and get angered by the fate with which we put ourselves into.

What nonsense is this???

Let me quote Barbara de Angelis again: "No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."

A simple truth. Therefore, why wallow in grief and beg to be destitute? Why lament over ostentatious grief, when in fact we have everything in our hands to make things right?

Again... what nonsense is this?

Enough said. I am getting into the late hours of my life.

Yes, I will now assume the role I have always wanted to perform. Yes, I will now take the center stage and prompt myself to see what I have been, for so long, rejecting for some shallow cause.

"I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present." - Joan Rivers

2009-02-08T23:14:00.003-05:00

Mon, April 23, 2007 at 11:53PM
... and so it came to pass ~ the "spunky" me is now suddenly the "timid" me. Why? No clue. Abso-foookin-ly no clue. Today I thought I'd have the motivation to snap these thoughts out of my mind and get it over with. BUT hi-ho hitler!! <> amen. Nuff' said.

Thank you. That was my oh-so-stupid-coz-I-can't-think-of-anything introduction to blogging. Shame on me. I haven't blogged since heaven knows when. I just couldn't do it. For lack of a better term, I'm blah. Devoid of all "emos" ((shh. don't tell my daughter I used the word)) or too much of it?

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams

"One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." - Andre Gide

"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

2009-02-08T23:14:00.001-05:00

"Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance." - Brian Tracy
Well... ain't that true!
After some time of hibernation (and deep soul searching), I finally found some peace. Hallelujah!! The mental anguish and emotional insurrection that took over my grasp of reality for a good amount of time, are now put to rest.

Cluttered incubus, I call them. These are fragments of shattered dreams that kept me from living. And the more that I dwell upon trying to put the pieces together, the deeper I delve myself into the hole of hopelessness.

Realizing now... enough is more than enough. Peace can only come from acknowledging what's done can never be undone.

"Not merely an absence of noise, real silence begins when a reasonable being withdraws from the noise in order to find peace and order in his inner sanctuary." - Peter Minard
So now I am in alignment with myself. There is balance, so to speak. I am a happy camper.

2009-02-08T23:13:00.001-05:00

My father's birthday was last Tuesday (April 24). It came and went with not one call from me, not even a cheap card from the dollar store.
Ok. Stop. Ok. So I should be ashamed of myself for not bothering to greet my father on his birthday. Or to have gone to the dollar store to pick up a card (LOL).

Oh stop shaking your head. You are no better than I am. At least I am consistent with the practice of NOT sending "anybody" any card -- which is better than sending a card that really meant nothing.

I have never been a thoughtful person. I guess you can even call me cold-hearted. Turkey. I can't seem to put any sincerity in a card, knowing it will be trashed as soon as it is read. So why even bother buying a card (that you have to read very carefully to make sure the message matches what you wantt to say) I'd rather call one unexpected day and say "what the hell you been doing? you still alive?" -- which simply means I do care. Hah! I am talking garbage.

Sorry. I'm really not a 'card-sender'. <>

2009-02-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

Tue, May 1, 2007 at 04:31PM
from: itsduhattityood

Very well said.. indeed. I must agree. And in perfect timing too. I have some thoughts to add to your commentary...but...

Before I respond to your article, o most holy blogger (haha)... let me just say something in response to another question directed to me.

How do I feel?

I feel like a sponge. A saturated sponge. Saturated in the sense that it can no longer hold anything in. On the opposite end, I also feel like a well that has run dry. No more to give to quench the thirst.

Long story short... IT is a basket case. No more room for excuses. Ahh how sad. How very very sad, for I can no longer hear.

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

BRB.

Update on Tue, May 1, 2007 at 10:15PM by itsduhattityood
Now... back to the comment ('nuff of the sponge LOL)

I notice your use of the word "a-moral", which simply means "no moral" as opposed to "immoral" which means "noT moral" -- am I right? or am I right? hah! same difference, I suppose.

Not swaying away from what your message is.. (and coming in line with the sponge thingy) ~ it is of my opinion that no amount of this 'so-called-undying-love' will last if your hands are tied. For how can you return that love if everything you think, say, and do make you afar from the person you are?

I have said this once and will have no qualms saying it again (though, really... I don't know what it has got to do with what your message is - hahaha): he who cannot trust anybody cannot trust himself.

Aight. I think I'm talking garbage again. My mind is like a container full of mexican jumping beans. Flop! Flop! Flop! (Don't ask me what the hell that means. It's a new Ceeyanese term).

itsduhattityood | 3 Comments | Share Article
in Sentiments, Commentary, Love & Relationships

Tuesday
01May
Responding To A Request
Tue, May 1, 2007 at 04:19PM
I have been requested to post this (uhm I wonder why the permission has to be asked. Didn't I say it's a free world, a free country, a free state, a free street, a free free freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) LOL...

ahh. Gimme' summa that. Ok. Here goes....whoever ye are, blog and blob and blog and blob..

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney J. Harris

by: anonymous (not wanting to be known hah!)

Why is it so often that the people that should not be trusted are the first to mistrust others? Is it there own sense of self shame? Are they not the same as those that would cause harm to others so as to empower themselves? The same persons that lie cheat and live an a-moral life
While all the while holding another mortal to standards to which they do not desire to be held?
Why are they the ones who expect perfection and monogamy when they can not
or refuse to ofer the same in return? Is the doubt and misconception based on ones own misdeeds? Is the mistrust and questioning done because one knows there own heart is indeed black? Indeed rife with deception and misguidance? Can one love when they are otherwise commited? IE to a spouse or another companion?If the relationship is built on a lie can it flourish? Will it wither and die? Can it ever be what one perceives or hopes it to be? Or what both hope for it to be? How can a couple grow if the truth about one or another is not know? When the truth is revealed does it not extinguish the flame of love? Or is love strong enough to overpower all? Is it strong enough to conquer our sense of right and wrong? Does it encourage us to do what we feel is right not what we know is morally correct? Does love indeed corrupt ones own morals? Does the moral compass encompass love?Does love know no boundaries? Maybe it shouldn't know boundaries? But wouldn't that make love , and in turn ones self, selfish? Is selfishness in the name of love ever acceptable? Or is it always wrong? Does that than make it wrong to love on ones own terms? If we love for the sake of love should we forsake all others? Is it ever appropriate to love different people in different ways? (And I am not speaking of familial love) Is it appropriate to have a spouse and a lover? A lover and a intimate partner? What is proper and improper? And does that have a direct connection to morality? Does any of that have a basis that lies within the confines of a religous teaching? Are morals learned or self taught? If self taught then who is to say that ones actions are moral or therefore a-moral? If I decide what is proper or improper who is another to fault me for what I do? A religious sect? What makes there teachings correct? Why should what they espouse hold sway over me? Why should I give over my right to live my life as I see suitable? What makes them more knowledgeable then anyone else? Who is right and who is wrong?

2009-02-08T23:10:00.001-05:00

If you have the ability, for one brief moment, to step into my shoes.. would you?

Before you dwell upon your response, allow me first to identify ME. ME as in "I" -- am my own personal character. I am like you, yet I am different from you.

You are happy. Content.
I am laxed. Longing. Despairing at being the only lone soul on earth. I yearn to be with somebody, yet I hesitate to relate in fear of being committed.

Let me clarify that. I do not fear the commitment. I fear the "failure" to keep the commitment intact. Intact as in willing to face the hurdles and strains of a relationship.

Uhm. I wonder Why? .. How did I turn out to be a "giver-up" (ah is that a term, for real?) Toss me a term. Hurry!

Hey. Don't get me wrong. I do want to relate. In fact, I long to relate. BUT... I am afraid. (Simple. Basic.) Losing the grip is something I cannot tolerate any more than I have tolerated my many past failures.

IS "giving up" the answer? Hell no. I just need to think. I need space. I need to breathe. YET... I do not have time. I need to live. Now.

... Let the saga begin. FORK IT! hahaha.

2009-02-08T23:08:00.001-05:00

Sat, May 19, 2007 at 06:36PM
by: itsduhHUNGRYattityood

I told myself... or uhm.. I 'forced' myself to finish at least 1/4 if not all of my unfinished work today. But hey, I can only do so much. Especially if this doggone piece of schitt starts freezing and the doggone hourglass stares at me like daring me to "watch it rotate"... fork it!

Back to the pages of the blog. Nice. Neat. I kinda' feel proud of what I've done so far. Reading back [and reminiscing] what I've written from five months ago until now -- it's quite amazing, if not intriguing. I am now realizing how one's perspectives, and thoughts, and reasoning change from one day to the next. But at the time of the tribulation, it seemed like a never-ending battle.

For the most part, the blogs were all of happy spirits. If there were any that resonated gloom, they were but short-lived. Afterall, that's what this blog is for -- to let free of the sentiments that are just sitting there and making ME the miserable 'porkchop' that I am. LMAO!!

I love porkchops. I once experimented on marinading four itty-bitty pieces of porkchops with all sorts of seasonings ~ and wella! they came out sooooooooooo forking good, I could have exchanged them for sex. Whooops. Sorry. Didn't mean to say that LOL. Demmmit. Now, I'm hungry. [But what else is new? I'm always hungry].

So, anyway... after that glorifying moment of gobbling porkchops [teehee], I found myself wanting more the next day. Hah! I couldn't believe I was craving for more.

And... off to the diner. Perkins, by the way, makes the best seasoned porkchops of 'em all. [Uhm. No. I am not a stockholder of Perkins. Wish I were, though. That would've been paradise and I would be eating all the porkchops bahahahaha!]

Now, let's not forget them devil, scalp-sweating buffalo wings! They rock, mon... they rock! LOL. [Thanks, Joanne... the buffalo wings from Romano's are good, but... hmmm... I think I'd rate the ones from Bluerock Cafe better.]

Ok. For real. I'm starving just from the thought of it all. I wonder where I'll be heading today. Hmmmmm....

2009-02-08T23:06:00.000-05:00

Yep. It's Sunday.

And I'm bored.

I wanted to write. But I can't.

It must be this headache. Don't get me wrong. This is not your ordinary headache. This is the kind of headache that makes you feel like you want to cut your head off! Oh.. no! Not because it hurts. It's because it is annoying. Three Advil Liqui-gels didn't make it go away -- uhh... I think it's psychological.

I woke up this morning feeling like a plump tomato that's about to burst. LOL. (Some kind of analogy, huh?!). I was bloated. Ugh. I wasn't just feeling it. I was IT. I'm thinking fluid retention... from all the hotdogs and burgers I devoured yesterday at my niece's and nephew's birthday party -- sodium, a.k.a. SALT!! Yeah. A few hours of 'pigging-out' bliss, paid by a whole day of swelling. (Where's the diuretic when I needed it?)

Nah. I shouldn't complain. Afterall, this day proved to be an extra-nice day. I got to spend the day with my daughter, doing the 'mommy-and-me' thingy... kinda' like what you call "bonding" -- only that it's an 'expensive' venture. LOL. We went to the store just to get one thing, and I ended up paying for a cart-full of 'stuff'! Hah!

Here comes the headache again. Now, it's throbbing. Must be because I'm hungry? (But I'm always hungry. What else is new?). Let's try some nappy nap-nap. Uhm.

2009-02-08T22:49:00.004-05:00

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2009-02-08T22:49:00.001-05:00

Fri, June 15, 2007 at 10:39AM
by: itsduhattityood

Time and time again, I ask myself... not the who, or the what, or the where, or the when, nor the how. I ask the why. WHY? WHY? I am like the child whose curiosity cannot be satisfied by trivial answers or whose questions are always unsettling. I have this need to know. It is an exigency... a necessity to discover that which is intrinsic to the circumstance.

Why is the sky blue? Because it is. Why is the night dark? Because it is.

Why do I have ears and eyes and nose and mouth? Why do I squirm at the sight of a puddle infested by maggots feasting over a dead insect? (Eeeek. That's gross!)

Why do I feel different... unlike any other? Because I am! I am the character that I built myself into.

And the need to know (not so much the who-what-where-when-how, as to the why) is a quintessential factor of my being me. Period.

But why the why? Can I not just settle with what's apparent, or perhaps accept what's imminent? (This is moot, but I am not up for an argument.)

The questions are endlessly looming. Therefore I will only focus on a particular point -- relationships.

Now... the big "why". WHY do I love or why do I hate? Why do I do the things I do or say the things I say... and then feel resentment towards myself? Such a foolish act, indeed.

My relationships come and go. (By relationships I mean, that between a man and a woman, for this matter.) I often find myself staring at the mirror and saying: "Now you see him.. now you don't!". It might sound funny, but it is not. On the contrary, it is corruptive, if not demoralizing. And yes... very detrimental to the ego as I ask (again and again) "What is wrong with me?"

FORKITT! there's nuttin' wrong with ME. Hah! It is what's wrong with THEM! They just gotta' learn to accept the fact that I am not a puppet on a string, nor am I some dumbazz (ooopps! bad word), uneducated mountain moron, and definitely not a typical passive woman who stands inferior to the man. I am wonder woman! he he he. (Don'tcha just wanna slap me awake from my delirium? LOL)

2009-02-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

“Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast”; Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned..." [retrieved 05Aug2007 from the website http://www.bartleby.com/218/0605.html; The Cambridge History of English and American Literature in 18 Volumes (1907–21). Volume VIII. The Age of Dryden]

This is an open letter to SHE who falls under the definition of...

Dear Scorned:

Rejection. Why does it bother you? Face it. Why? Sleepless nights and restless thoughts will only aggravate those feelings. Let it go.

Prelude:

You don't have a clue WHO I am -- please have some self-respect and stop being a dragon who spits filthy fire from the mouth... it is despicable.
You, who act so self-righteous, have absolutely no right to judge me -- to say that I am incapable of planting my feet on the ground -- of steadying the roots and fostering a strong relationship.
Who gave you the liberty to assay... and then scrutinize... my adequacy of emotional reciprocation when you cannot advocate it upon yourself. And pray do tell... what gave you the reason to denunciate my financial stability when you don't even know what the meaning of obligation is? Shame on you to feign love when there is nothing but the color of greed in your eyes!!
Bitterness is company to misery. If you feel bitter about your loss, you should only blame yourself. Fickleness is something you should stay away from. Taking things for granted will not take too far either. While it is true you disgust me with your immaturity and your lack of social graces, I somehow feel sorry to see you go to such great lengths, use up all your efforts and time, just to let go of that rage. Rage from what? Rage from your idiocy and your emotional disturbance.
Ah. And the hypocrisy -- quite a conglomeration of all your sentiments -- all but a reflection of your shallow character. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your credibility, not to mention your inconsistency, dahlin', is quite drenched at this point. So I suggest, shut hole!! Your act is long done, the curtain has drawn.
I will HEAR no more, SEE no more, SAY no more. This is the first and last time I will ever stoop down to your level to put you in your place. And your place is ZERO because -- too bad -- you LOST and I WIN!! You will NEVER know the love and the kindness and the sincerity that could have been YOURS had you only given it the chance. Tough schitttt I always say. So, TOUGH SCHIT SCHERLOCK!!

"When you meet up with a disagreeable person, never allow yourself to be upset. Say to yourself, if a dowdy like that can stand himself all his life, surely I can stand him for a few minutes." - Source Unknown

2009-02-08T22:44:00.001-05:00

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught to fly."
- Patrick Overt

by: itsduhattityood

In all the years of my life, I've struggled to find myself. Where do I fit in? How do I categorize myself amongst those that surround me. And through it all, I keep finding myself with my back against the wall. Where do I go from there? But each time, I managed to break away .... only to end up on the same spot I was in before I did.
I wondered. There is something else I did not try. Or do. And that is to brave through unchartered waters.
Indeed. Be scared not to take that one step into the unknown. What have you got to lose? It's do or die and oh so many times have I died and resurrected. Dare yourself a peek into that murkiness.
I did. And guess what I found?