I Blog My Blogs

I've been waiting for this moment. It's been quite a "long" moment, as a matter of fact.  This moment when I could sit down, focus, and write again. 

I looked back at the drafts of blogs I started. Hah! None of them made any sense.  I guess it's because during those times, I wasn't really in the mood. They were not the "moments".

So... in between debating whether I should spend this weekend watching movies or doing some 'work', the 'moment' came to me.  Oh, it didn't just come by ... it came through memories of the past.

How is that? Thank you, Facebook!! I found pictures of old "old" friends and they brought memories of days past.  Good, bad, happy, sad...

It's amazing how pictures can bring you back to another dimension... and then there is that smile on your face. Wow... "they" have grown. Uhhh... and to some: My goodness, "they" have grown OLD! ha ha ha! Oh forgive me. I have grown OLD too, that I will admit. And that "oh my goodness" phrase -- that wasn't meant to be malicious in any way. It's just sort'a amusing, to say the least... to see friends who moulded and affected your life once upon a time. 

As I look at these pictures again, I can't help but feel a carousel of emotions. Only in my mind could I go back to the days that once were... and one by one recreate the scenes.  I smile... sometimes giggle. I smirk, I frown in dismay. I gasp and say "Oh my God... did I do that?!" Hah! There's a story to every snapshot. I wish I could post those pictures and tell the story.  That would be absolutely awesome!! But as it is, I could only reminisce and savor the memories.

Ah. Those were the days. The youthful days when all I thought about was how I could sneak away from my grandmother's watchful eye.  I needed to "touch bases" with my friends. Not that I'd be grounded (there's no such thing as 'grounding' when I was growing up)... rather, worse than that.  I got to listen to my nana's 'blah-blah-blah' for what it seemed like a friggn' whole day! I'd rather get grounded. At least, I could do something. hah!

Anyhoots. So much for the memento pictures. It was fun while it lasted.

That was yesterday. Today is today.

Today is when I have to deal with my tribulations -- these afflictions that agonize me day in and day out like an incurable plague. (What a sudden change of aura, don't you think?!)

I'm starting to believe that I was born with a twin. A twin entity called Drama! It's because everywhere I go, in everything I do, Drama follows me around. And guess what? It's pretty annoying!

I suppose I am the one who's creating my own drama for the sake of drama itself.  For instance, I could have just bit my tongue and not say anything that would cause antipathy between myself and another person.  But lo and behold! I needed to spat to break the monotony of the time being.  And there you go -- the drama begins. That must be my alter ego.

You see... there are two MEs.  I mean, one meanie me, and one goodie me.  The meanie me is the one who loves the controversy.  The one who can't stay put even for one minute. The one who crazes for notoriety; there could be no higher accolade than to be known a "meanie"!

The goodie me, on the other hand is the one who sulks in dismay at meanie me. The one who scrambles to accomplish a hundred things in one day and then despairs when the day ends without having completed the list! The one who is (ugh!) sentimental beyond compare. Yeah -- the one who gets pushed around by meanie me -- but the one who DOES save meanie me from all confound, if not devastating, situations. 

Back to my point. This is why there is this sudden change of temperament.  The goodie me started this blog with a simple nostalgia, then meanie me took over and wella!

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” ~Milton Berle 

First and foremost in my mind:  I am in pain. (I do not mean physical pain. Although I am indeed still in pain as I speak). Or is it fear? What kind of pain it is -- I do not know.  Whether it be the pain of sorrow, the pain of doubt, the pain of failure or fear itself -- I cannot define it.

Each night I pray to the High and Almighty that I find answers to the questions that have been lingering in my mind for so long.  Questions that, perhaps, cause these pain. Where have I gone wrong? Or what did I do wrong? Is this some form of chastisement... an emotional beating?

No. It is not pain. Rather, it is fear! How do I know now? Because I do. I just do!

I fear the loss of compassion, of patience, of civility. Over and over again I try to fight this inner conflict -- to no avail. I didn't give up. I just stopped trying.

Clemency turned belligerence. That's how it is now. I seem to have lost the strength to uphold the virtues -- though few they may be.

Why is this?

Because I am needing. There is a hole in my heart that grows profusely like weed, infusing scorned sentiments and chaos in my mind. What once was certitude has now turned into doubt and ambiguity. I begin to challenge what the conscience dictates. What is sense and sensibility when the faculties are numb and there is nothing left to feel?

I truly am not making sense, am I? I speak in a language that only myself understands.

Temptation towards everything that I've been fighting against, I can see now, is lurking; creeping furtively so that it can snatch me defenseless at my lowest point - when I am devoid of power. That is why I am needing. I am in such a state of exigency that I fear of losing this battle against depravation.

Enough of this. My head is painfully throbbing. And sensibly so, my leg is starting to hurt again.

Again I say:
It doesn't make sense. I don't think I am making any sense at all.  But I needed to write. Something. Anything. Just to jump-start my brain at least.  All these thoughts crowding my mind --- and the only avenue to vent I know is to write. So write I DID. Sense or no sense. Does it matter?

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.