Stuck On Yah

I suppose being tucked at home has its benefits after all -- and by that I mean being dull and bored to your skull after you've gone through the routine of your waking hours. If you're not home, how else can you fixate upon the intricacies of a spider web when your mind is filled with the chaos of existence?

A little bonkers, though it may seem, but these complex entanglements (yeah... cobwebs!) can INDEED stir up your hidden ingenuity. Believe you me. Those minuscule fibers or shreds can certainly challenge your thinking. (Behold the realization: your brain still functions!!)

It is fascinating how the mind can intrigue the body and force it into action. Subconsciously, let yourself go. Put one foot out of your comfort zone and brave crossing the boundaries of your unfounded security. You might be amazed at what you will find -- or not??!

Well.. I did. Suddenly I became this one big bowl of blazing ideas! I could not contain my frenzy that I second-guessed myself if I took one too many pills. LOL. That was a joke. But guess what? I "unbored" myself. (Accept the term just for the ha-ha). How's that for the undiscovered wonders of your four walls?

Water in a Dream

The dream: Clear water gushing, presumably from a faucet or implied as from a faucet, inside a bathroom. I used a white towel to plug and contain the flow with not much difficulty.

Symbolism:  

• Clear water = emotion, free from obscurity
• Gushing, flooding = struggling, forcible, overwhelming
• White towel = a need to deal with emotions in order to move forward in life; a resolution; completion; a fresh start and new transition

Water = Spirit, energy of the super-conscious mind which flows through the subconscious mind on its way to our conscious awareness of it. It is objectified in life as emotion. (Source: Adwizard dreams) 

Seeing water in your dream symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. Seeing calm, clear water in your dream indicates that you are in tune with your spirituality. It means serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation. Seeing muddy or dirty water in your dream demonstrates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it demonstrates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. Dreaming that water is rising up in your house, indicates your struggles and overwhelming emotions. To hear running water in your dream means meditation, reflection and pondering of your thoughts and emotions. Dreaming that you are walking on water, suggests that you have supreme and ultimate control over your emotions. It may also suggest that you need to ’stay on top’ of your emotions and not let them explode out of hand. Alternatively, it is symbolic of faith in you.  (Source:http://www.experiencefestival.com/dream_interpretation_water)

My Interpretation:
I am aware of my emotions. I am aware of my struggles that are overwhelmingly forceful and I know where these struggles are coming from.  It is time that I devote time to deal to deal with them so that I can have clarity and peace of mind.

What Am I?

It's ironic how I despise those who make themselves "holier-than-thou" and yet I am guilty of the act. Should I call it as such or should I call it hypocrisy?  I do not pretend to be virtuous. I think it's more of having a "double standard" attitude. 

Menu of Sentiments

1. It feels like I'm on vacation. I AM on vacation because I am at home... as in... I don't have a job right now and that is funny because??? 
2. Oh!
3. I'm starting to believe that I was born with a twin.  A twin entity called Drama. You see... Drama follows me around -- anywhere I go, anything I do. Look at me. Do I look like my twin Drama? :::ha ha:::
4. Within the last 72 hours, I felt devastated. Enraged. Helpless. Scared. Over the last hour.... bored.
5. Hypochondriac: In the 17th century, hypochondriac  referred to people who suffered from “depression and melancholy without cause,”  (retrieved from the website http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypochondriac 01-Oct-2013)  Does it make me a hypochondriac if I say I see dead people?  Hah! I'm joking. Can't you take a joke? 
6. These cats shed too much hair. I should start collecting these hairballs and donate them to the pet centers, ya think? Well I'm glad these cats aren't here anymore. I mean, not inside. Nope.
7. Go ahead and use me; abuse me - figuratively, I mean. My day will come and I will do twice as much. 
8. I don't think I'm lonely, nor do I feel alone and isolated. The right word should be BUMMED OUT... as in pensively reflecting the past 53 years of my life. 
9. I'm still paranoid whenever I hear "NYC" -- you can't pay me enough to drive to that city. No way!! Not to mention those "circles"!!
10. I love the feel of wind upon my face. It's refreshing and relaxing. Hah! Now I know why pepper (our dog) likes to put his face out the window when I drive him around.
11. No wonder I haven't received my cigarette order.  Nobody was home to sign the package so the order was voided. Damn!
12. I want to feel normal. Who says I am not normal?
13. If I keep watching these psycho movies, I'll end up like one of them -- as if I am not yet one already. Hah!
14. And of course it's entertaining to watch romantic comedies. I just wish my husband will watch them with me without retching. LOL.
15. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a cloud looking down upon the earth. Ohhh wait... I'm hallucinating again. Time to adjust the meds.
16. The power of positive thinking, power of suggestion, and affirmation: do you think I'll win the lotto even if I don't buy the ticket?
17. Should I just stop giving hints that I want more? More. More.
18. I'm hungry. (Yeah... I can hear you say: "anything else new?")
19. Where did January, February, March, and April go? Where did summer go? It's friggen OCTOBER already!! Another blink of an eye and then it's Christmas again and time to shovel snow. arrghh! Maybe I'll invest in a snow blower -- if only I can force myself to read the instructions. 
20. Should I be concerned that the stocks went down? (Wow! that's cool. I'm talking like I know what I'm talking about!) -- Damn right I should worry.  What's the difference between $14,950 and $14,052? They look like numbers to me, aren't they? Say what??!!%
21. Note to self: buy mascara, liquid eyeliner, lip liner, and a pair of twissors. (Spell check please) Macy's is having a sale; might as well shop for perfume while I'm there. :::he he he:::
22. I feel like sushi. No, I am not a sushi. So if I say I feel like Chinese, it doesn't mean I'm Chinese.
23. I am flattered when I receive texts or emails that express interest. I'm even more flattered when the message is upsetting. It only means I'm being thought of most of the time. Am I right?... or am I right?  But of course, I'm right. 
24. I've got a crush on a Korean popstar. Really? Seriously?  It's gross!! Grow up ME. ME.
25. Please oh please... do not let me sing after I've had a pitcher of beer. It's hard to get rid of the like-feeling of an American Idol REJECT. Dawg!
26. I miss...  (fill in the blanks!)

Passing By

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”
Milton Berle 

We are only passing by

Is There Such a Term as Sanctimonialism?

One thing that really irks me the most (and needless to say... gets into my nerves) is the audacity of some people who think (and more likely believe) that they are 'holier-than-thou'; that whatever they say, think, and do, are by far, the best of the best.

Whenever I hear anything said about something or somebody in this disdainful (let's use antipathetic and apathetic) manner, it makes me want to bitch-slap that mouth!

By whose rules and by what standards do these disparaging behaviors come about? Really, who draws the line between good and bad or better and best?

Perhaps I am just one over-analytical whiner in this hypocritical environment? Is that it? The irony of it all is that -- am I being self-righteous for criticizing others' self-righteousness?

Again.. the popcorn is stale. I need to close my eyes and mind my own self-piousness. I just wanted to throw in three cents in case two cents is not enough: Self-righteous people, to me, are nothing more than a piece of toilet paper that doesn't really wipe off schitt. (Oooppss. Sorry!)
Share the article below. You might find it enlightening.... 

Cee

Self-righteousness (also called sententiousness) is a feeling of smug moral superiority derived from a sense that one's beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.

The term "self-righteous" is often considered derogatory (see, for example, journalist and essayist James Fallows' description of self-righteousness in regards to Nobel Peace Prize winners) particularly because self-righteous individuals are often thought to exhibit hypocrisy, an idea similar to that of the Freudian defense mechanism of reaction formation. (retrieved 01apr10 from the website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-righteousness)

People who are self-righteous may defend their need to instill their beliefs on others as simply standing up for what they believe in. However, self-righteousness veers off from expressing your beliefs in a few key ways, namely that self-righteous people believe they are always right, superior and more knowledgeable than those around them.

Self-righteousness can drive people to squelch the dreams of their friends (you’ll never be able to do that!), offend people at work (that idea is ridiculous!), and alienate family members (you’re going to marry him?!). They offer their opinions even when they’re not wanted, and feel compelled to make you agree with said opinions, because, after all, they are the right ones.

And while it is possible to be just a little self-righteous and therefore not cause much offense to anyone, people who are too self-righteous may:

• Be quick to judge others
• Belittle those around them
• Be smug
• Act condescending
• Be narrow-minded
• Be intolerant of other people’s faults
• Believe that they have the answer for everyone else’s problems

Meanwhile, self-righteous people often have a very hard time being empathetic. They only view the world through their own eyes, and cannot even fathom walking in someone else’s shoes. 

But aside from the risk of annoying or insulting the people in their lives, people who are too self-righteous are also too sure of their own opinions. In other words, they will stick to them at any cost, and often refuse to hear opposing arguments. They will also never change their opinions based on new information they have received, with the end result being a very closed, intolerant and often prejudiced realm of experience.(retrieved 01apr10 from the website: http://www.sedona.com/lp-self-righteous.aspx)

A Dream Within a Dream Within a Dream in a Dream

Layer one. Basement. Old. Nail place. I was getting my nails done but I saw myself pulling some skin off my heel. I went to the counter to tell my husband this was a dream. I tried to snap out of the dream, only to find myself in another dream.
Layer two. An empty street. Familiar but cannot recall the name of the area. I was driving. I made a turn into what seemed like a marketplace. Again, familiar but vaguely.
I told myself "OK! I gotta' get out of this dream. It is a dream".
Layer three. Another setting. I thought I was awake because it looked like I was in my living room. But then I thought if I were awake, how come I am not in the bedroom?
The feeling was nothing short of eerie; but only because I wanted to wake up -- and not because it was nightmarish. I opened my eyes. I saw the time on the ceiling as I lay on the bed. 3:54 a.m. It's too early to get up but I need to wake up. "What day is it today?" I wondered, as I tried to find my bearings.
Somebody told me to wiggle my toes if I was having a nightmare.  Though it wasn't really a nightmare, I wiggled my toes. I opened my eyes again. I guess I'm back to reality because I felt the urge to run to the bathroom.
Layer four. I got up, but could not find the bathroom. Could not even recognize where I was.
I told myself I am still dreaming. But it felt as if it were real.
I stopped struggling to wake up. I let my dream take me to where it wanted to take me.
I opened my eyes. The time on the ceiling was 7:38 a.m. My exposed foot felt the cold air coming from the fan, but the warmth of the blanket gave comfort. I'm awake!
Before I got up from bed... I tried to recall bits and pieces of the dream. Didn't make sense. But it's kind of amazing... and weird.

Starting Over

As you can see from the date of my last post.. it's been a year since I've written something down. I suppose it's time to put away that last post, as much I want to keep it on the front page of my blog.

Here I go again. Stuck staring blankly at the screen. So many thoughts in my head, but nothing that would stand out, enough to start even a paragraph.

Let me see.

Hmm. What's on top of my head right now?

Food! Aha! (what else is new?).

Yeah. I called in some Chinese take out (or more aptly, Chinese delivery!).  General Tso's spicy and crispy bean curd, with an order of California rolls and Spicy crab rolls (sushi!) + a free pint of hot and sour soup.

I took a nap this afternoon after coming home from my parents' house -- to celebrate Father's Day.  Woke up hungry -- as usual so I thought some Chinese 'ready-to-eat' dinner sounded good. Sal will wake up in about...uhm... 10 minutes (he works night shift at RWJ, so go figure!).

Earlier in the afternoon I was feeling "bleh" -- a confusing blend of tiredness, irritability, laziness, boredom, anxiety -- add any other discordant noun/adjective and surely it will fit! I don't know where they came from. I just know they're there!

I suppose this is a "good enough break" from the previous post, so I'll stop at this point. I'll put a ** on my to-do list -- to continue writing. I promise.

In Memoriam: Veronica (April 6, 1963 - June 9, 2011)

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To RSVP or Not to RSVP: That is a No-Brainer Question

RSVP: répondez s'il vous plaît, meaning “reply please” or "please respond".  Simply put: whether you plan to attend the occasion or not, you have to respond out of courtesy.
It takes a lot of effort, time, and sweat -- not to mention "muhlah" -- to plan an event. Therefore, acknowledgement of the invite should be given in return.  It is called etiquette/ decorum /propriety.

Etiquette, decorum, propriety  imply observance of the formal requirements governing behavior in polite society. Etiquette  refers to conventional forms and usages: the rules of etiquette. Decorum  suggests dignity and a sense of what is becoming or appropriate for a person of good breeding. Propriety  (usually plural) implies established conventions of morals and good taste.  (Retrieved 15april2011 from the website http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/etiquette)

If someone invites you to their event, it means they honor your presence. If they take the time to include you in their guest list, it is just appropriate that you also take the time to respond whether you can make it or not.  Really... how much time will responding take?  Five minutes at the most, if you are the meticulous kind! Is that too much to ask for someone who holds you in regard?
Many times in the past when I plan an event and invite people, I would hear them say that they don't know what their plans are in the future; hence they cannot give an answer if they can make it to the event or not.  Such disposition means: they are NOT interested.  If they were otherwise, they would make the event a "plan for the future".  Not responding or ignoring the invite for the while also sends the message that they would like to keep their options open in case some better opportunity presents itself.  Ergo, it is clear that the host/hostess is insignificant or worthless. (What a shame!) By ignoring the invite, they are also ignoring the person behind the invite.  (Wait. My evil twin has a more cynical conclusion: "so you think you are too good for my party that's why you disregard my invite?! Alright then, down you go to my schittlist!! Hah!!)

My rule of thumb: no response means NO. Maybe means NO. Arrangements will only be made to those who RSVP'd YES!

In conclusion, I find it rude or impolite to ignore an RSVP.  On the other hand, it is equally rude and impolite if you reply YES and don't show or reply NO and then show  -- good luck finding your seat!! LoL.

Hello It's Me Again

Let's face it. Life is boring without its drama. Life itself, indeed, IS drama.

Drama is our feelings reenacted. Drama is not only about woes and grief and lamentation. Drama is also about joy and fear and longing and surprise... everything that we feel. But what makes it dramatic is the conflict built into it.

Let's leave it at that because I am not writing about drama. I am writing about the drama within the drama. Get my drift?

For a while now I've been fighting against the drama of my life. You know...  the things we call stress. I secluded myself from the outside because it felt safe to stay in the inside. Each time I try to feel the outside, I find myself battling the hurdles that lurk out there.  And so... I go back to the safety of my shell. 

However, it is not until now that I realize there is no difference between the inside and the outside.  What is inside is exactly the same as outside.  No. Let me rephrase that. What is inside is hurtful than the outside.

Why?

Because outside, where the drama is exposed and luxuriously laid out for our indulgement, there is the ability to interact. There are choices. We can think and think and think... and then act upon those thoughts. With a little luck, the drama might go away.  If not... oh well.  Life goes on.

On the other hand... Inside... all we can do is think. Nothing more. Inside, although we believe (or try to believe), that no harm will befall us, theer is nothing we can do. We are entrapped in this box made up of the thoughts from the outside. And what do we think about? What else but the drama we are eluding from from the outside. 

Back to earth.

Today I feel alive. (Hang on... Did I die?)
The senses from which I have alienated myself from, are now all back to embrace me. The feelings are back in action.  I am happy. I am sad. I am angry. I am excited. I am surprised. I am bewildered.

What am I trying to say? Really... what is my point?

Nothing.

I just wanted to write. Is that a crime? (Hah! gotcha!)

Well... Look at it this way: One door closes... another one opens. AND... as an added feature... the little window of opportunity shows some light. Amen to that.

Sometimes

Sometimes words are better left unspoken so as not to scar for life. 
Sometimes memories are better left at its happiest peak; rather than push for more... only to find out you're at the end of a cliff. 
Sometimes honesty is not the answer for it may not justify the end, no matter how you elaborate or candy-coat the means.
Sometimes I wish I had never made that wish -- to dig and dig to reach the bottom.

It is disconcerting, to say the least.

What is the Right Thing to Do?

“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.” Judith M. Knowlton  - Author

“It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.” Henry David Thoreau  (1817-1862); Naturalist, Author, Philosopher

“The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.”  H. Norman Schwarzkopf   (born 1934); American General

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” Randy Pausch  (1960-2008);Professor, Author

“Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen.” Peter Marshall 

“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow  (1807-1882); Poet

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” Tyron Edwards  - Theologian

“There is no problem unless we choose to make it one, so think carefully before you act.” David Marshall  (born 1957); Nurse

“Be careful of your actions. You never know when you're creating a memory.” Ricki Lee Jones  (born 1954); Singer, Songwriter

I still cannot sleep.  It's 2:37 a.m. on October 11, 2010. Again I say: keeping my eyes shut whilst random thoughts wander in my mind is worse than the throbbing pain in my leg.
I reached for the pain killer. A couple more days and the drug will expire. It doesn't matter. It's still a pain killer for me. Anything that will alleviate this pain is better than nothing.

It is the right thing to do, isn't it? To put myself in bed and try to snag that sleep to do away with the pain.

Ah. But it is more than just physical pain. It is emotional pain. It is quite disturbing rather than mentally discombobulating. Yeah. It's that bad. (Or so, I think... in this time of night -- or day?)

The clock ticked another hour. Has it been that long since I got up from bed to scribble a thing or two?

I suppose I should get these thoughts down into writing and get it over with.

Straight to the point: I am scared of you.

The drug is taking its toll now. I am starting to drift way... 

Facebook "HA HA" Drama

Quotes of quotes: (sometimes they do make sense!)

"If someone seriously wants to be part of your life, they will seriously make an effort to be in it."

"Never make anyone a priority in your life when they will only make you an option in theirs."

"Love is only a word until you find someone to give it a definition"

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain."

“If we keep doing what we're doing, we're going to keep getting what we're getting.”

..and my favorite..coz I can just picture it:

"Laughing so hard you clap like a retarded seal" AH AH AHAHHAHAHAH!!!

I Blog My Blogs

I've been waiting for this moment. It's been quite a "long" moment, as a matter of fact.  This moment when I could sit down, focus, and write again. 

I looked back at the drafts of blogs I started. Hah! None of them made any sense.  I guess it's because during those times, I wasn't really in the mood. They were not the "moments".

So... in between debating whether I should spend this weekend watching movies or doing some 'work', the 'moment' came to me.  Oh, it didn't just come by ... it came through memories of the past.

How is that? Thank you, Facebook!! I found pictures of old "old" friends and they brought memories of days past.  Good, bad, happy, sad...

It's amazing how pictures can bring you back to another dimension... and then there is that smile on your face. Wow... "they" have grown. Uhhh... and to some: My goodness, "they" have grown OLD! ha ha ha! Oh forgive me. I have grown OLD too, that I will admit. And that "oh my goodness" phrase -- that wasn't meant to be malicious in any way. It's just sort'a amusing, to say the least... to see friends who moulded and affected your life once upon a time. 

As I look at these pictures again, I can't help but feel a carousel of emotions. Only in my mind could I go back to the days that once were... and one by one recreate the scenes.  I smile... sometimes giggle. I smirk, I frown in dismay. I gasp and say "Oh my God... did I do that?!" Hah! There's a story to every snapshot. I wish I could post those pictures and tell the story.  That would be absolutely awesome!! But as it is, I could only reminisce and savor the memories.

Ah. Those were the days. The youthful days when all I thought about was how I could sneak away from my grandmother's watchful eye.  I needed to "touch bases" with my friends. Not that I'd be grounded (there's no such thing as 'grounding' when I was growing up)... rather, worse than that.  I got to listen to my nana's 'blah-blah-blah' for what it seemed like a friggn' whole day! I'd rather get grounded. At least, I could do something. hah!

Anyhoots. So much for the memento pictures. It was fun while it lasted.

That was yesterday. Today is today.

Today is when I have to deal with my tribulations -- these afflictions that agonize me day in and day out like an incurable plague. (What a sudden change of aura, don't you think?!)

I'm starting to believe that I was born with a twin. A twin entity called Drama! It's because everywhere I go, in everything I do, Drama follows me around. And guess what? It's pretty annoying!

I suppose I am the one who's creating my own drama for the sake of drama itself.  For instance, I could have just bit my tongue and not say anything that would cause antipathy between myself and another person.  But lo and behold! I needed to spat to break the monotony of the time being.  And there you go -- the drama begins. That must be my alter ego.

You see... there are two MEs.  I mean, one meanie me, and one goodie me.  The meanie me is the one who loves the controversy.  The one who can't stay put even for one minute. The one who crazes for notoriety; there could be no higher accolade than to be known a "meanie"!

The goodie me, on the other hand is the one who sulks in dismay at meanie me. The one who scrambles to accomplish a hundred things in one day and then despairs when the day ends without having completed the list! The one who is (ugh!) sentimental beyond compare. Yeah -- the one who gets pushed around by meanie me -- but the one who DOES save meanie me from all confound, if not devastating, situations. 

Back to my point. This is why there is this sudden change of temperament.  The goodie me started this blog with a simple nostalgia, then meanie me took over and wella!

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.” ~Milton Berle 

First and foremost in my mind:  I am in pain. (I do not mean physical pain. Although I am indeed still in pain as I speak). Or is it fear? What kind of pain it is -- I do not know.  Whether it be the pain of sorrow, the pain of doubt, the pain of failure or fear itself -- I cannot define it.

Each night I pray to the High and Almighty that I find answers to the questions that have been lingering in my mind for so long.  Questions that, perhaps, cause these pain. Where have I gone wrong? Or what did I do wrong? Is this some form of chastisement... an emotional beating?

No. It is not pain. Rather, it is fear! How do I know now? Because I do. I just do!

I fear the loss of compassion, of patience, of civility. Over and over again I try to fight this inner conflict -- to no avail. I didn't give up. I just stopped trying.

Clemency turned belligerence. That's how it is now. I seem to have lost the strength to uphold the virtues -- though few they may be.

Why is this?

Because I am needing. There is a hole in my heart that grows profusely like weed, infusing scorned sentiments and chaos in my mind. What once was certitude has now turned into doubt and ambiguity. I begin to challenge what the conscience dictates. What is sense and sensibility when the faculties are numb and there is nothing left to feel?

I truly am not making sense, am I? I speak in a language that only myself understands.

Temptation towards everything that I've been fighting against, I can see now, is lurking; creeping furtively so that it can snatch me defenseless at my lowest point - when I am devoid of power. That is why I am needing. I am in such a state of exigency that I fear of losing this battle against depravation.

Enough of this. My head is painfully throbbing. And sensibly so, my leg is starting to hurt again.

Again I say:
It doesn't make sense. I don't think I am making any sense at all.  But I needed to write. Something. Anything. Just to jump-start my brain at least.  All these thoughts crowding my mind --- and the only avenue to vent I know is to write. So write I DID. Sense or no sense. Does it matter?

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

Random Thoughts

“Patience is a kind of love. A love that is its own explanation in bewildered circumstance. It is an old, old woman placing a wrinkled-parchment hand against the cheek of a reckless child. Because her heart is too wise to make room for reproach. Too full to find place for offense. ”
Pavithra  Mehta

The Reverse

Below is a writing by Neil Gaiman; American novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Now... I am going to write something that is the opposite of the above. Here goes:


I am in love.

No. It isn't horrible like how most people think it is. 

I am in love. 

No, it is not because I am vulnerable.  It is because it opened my chest and it opened my heart. And it means that someone got inside me, not to mess me up, but to make me whole. 

I built up my defenses... a whole suit of armor -- so that nothing can hurt me. But this person, immensely different from any other person, wandered into my life. I gave him a piece of me and then I gave him all of me.  

He didn't ask for it. He just did something sweet one day.. he kissed me and smiled at me.. and then my life isn't mine anymore.  Love didn't make me a hostage. It just got inside of me. It made me happy so that I am no longer crying in the darkness, so that so simple a phrase like "we belong together" is a far cry from what I used to hear before I fell in love. The phrase "maybe we should just be friends" that turned into a splinter that worked into my heart, is no longer something that I fear to hear... because I know I will never hear it ever again.  

I don't hurt anymore... like before. 

I love. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-love, a real "gets-inside-you-and-makes-you-whole" kind of love. I love love.

A Spiritual View of Depression: The Hunger for Light

Written By Julie Redstone from The Sacred Journey of the Soul

The symptoms of depression vary from person to person but have enough commonality to have acquired the dimensions of a syndrome or diagnostic picture.

Nevertheless, as solid and as real as this picture may seem, what often underlies it is something that relates to light and the hunger for light. 

Light of a higher vibration than physical light is a spiritual energy – part of the energy of Creation that is stepped-down at multiple levels until it manifests in its physical expression. This energy of light has been there since the beginning, preceding all forms and all forms of evolution. It is referred to in Genesis as the primary utterance - “let there be light.” 

When translated onto the physical level, this light becomes a powerful force for healing and change, helping all beings to evolve and human beings in particular to transcend the limitations of darkness and negativity they may have been carrying for a very long time. 

These limitations include the thoughts, feelings, and physical symptoms that constitute depression. Though often biologically-linked, in the case of depression or any other disturbance, the biology itself can be influenced by the absence or presence of something that might alter its manner of functioning. That something is spiritual light.  

Often, a soul may be hungry for light and not know what it is that they are hungry for. Frequently, there is the feeling of something unnameable or unknowable that is missing - a place of emptiness that cannot be filled. Those who are more behaviorally-focused may point to activities of a more joyful or meaningful kind that could help with this emptiness, including work and relationships with others. And this is true, such activities help many. 

However, sometimes the soul that is hungry finds that nothing will do – no activity, no work, and no relationship can make a difference in terms of what the inner self is actually seeking. For the emptiness feels beyond that.  

The hunger of the soul for light, especially when the language of spirituality has not been acquired fully and is therefore relatively unknown, can be both painful and confusing. A person can feel lost, misunderstood, out of place, with a sense of not belonging anywhere. 

In fact, without the spiritual underpinnings anchored in awareness, it can feel like one doesn’t even belong to oneself. Then, there is a kind of gray existence as one goes through the motions of living, with the feeling that everything should be alright, but it isn’t. 

This nameless thing that it is possible to long for is a hunger at the deepest level. It is both an emotional hunger for spiritual connection - for a relationship with the universe in which one can feel at home with a sense of belonging. It is also a physical and energetic hunger of the body to be filled with light, and a recognition, without words, that there is a sense of depletion and of having run out of energy and out of the capacity to experience joy in living.  

There is no instant remedy for this, for the things of the spirit for the most part do not happen instantly. But they can happen in a relatively short span of time, once the initial premise is understood that it is light and its source that is longed for, and once the search begins for an adequate way of providing the spiritual nourishment that is needed. 

One can begin by praying in a simple way to be shown the way to be nourished. Even if prayer has not been habitual or even desired within a life, a simple kind of asking of the universe to be led in the direction of healing and light can open the doors that help shift one’s frame of reference from the purely physical to the spiritual. 

Simultaneously, one can be on the lookout for conversations, books, people, and unexpected situations that let the body know that it is happier – that it feels more alive. It is the feeling of greater aliveness, along with the perception that a weight has been lifted, that often signals the presence of greater light. 

In the embrace of light, one feels upheld and loved, because what is truly of a spiritual nature always contains love. Therefore, at the same time that one may feel better physically, there is also an upliftment into a greater sense of connection with life, through love. This upliftment allows the heart to touch its deepest essence and source – the Divine nature at the very center of its being.

From Judy Garland

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”  ~Judy Garland

Random Quotes

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open? Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  Jalal ad-Din

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Random Night Thoughts

Tonight the whole world opened before me.

It is beautiful. It is warm. It is calming to the senses. 

It is new, however.  New in the sense that it feels like starting over. Not in a bad way, though. It is not constrained. It is just freely flowing --in a shy way? uhh-yeah. suppose I can say bashful?

I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully it is not just a dream...

Idiotic!!

Indeed. What's past is past... and cannot be undone. We can only look back in retrospect and we cannot continually linger upon something that we 'hope against hope' would perhaps change its course and make a difference in the present.

Now... that makes me think. Hmmm.

Looking back at a recent past, I get the shivers. No. Not shivers. It's more of disgust. Poignantly distasteful. How could I have been so blind (would STUPID be a more appropriate term, you think?) as to allow myself to step down from the already low morale that I am sunk in? Ah. But it's the nature of the beast. The very essence by which that repulsion exists is what made it more desiring... more appealing to the common faculties.

Didn't God tell Adam and Eve that they could have anything they could ever want, as long as they leave the damn apple alone? But No! Succumbing to temptation is more gratifying than everything else. Is this not proof enough that, by nature, one wants to get what one can't have?

And they'd do anything to achieve that - up to the extent of going beyond what is morally right - or even more beyond than beyond.. the extreme, as in selling the soul to the devil. (Now.... ya'll know this is a figure of speech, eh? Nevertheless, the consequences are about the same, I'd say. The end of the road is the inescapable deep black hole.)

So... this is what this past is all about. Conceding to the wrong, hoping to make it right. Arrgh! Tell me. Was that idiotic or what?

A Matter of Choice

"No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside." - Unknown

I read the quote over and over again and it started to sink into me. This is so true.  Only when we allow ourselves to be affected by external stimuli or extrinsic influences do we begin to react. Applied more prominently to negating emotions, we encroach towards our inner beings to somehow neutralize the reflex.

Take for instance a contemptuous remark thrown at you out of nowhere. Typically, your reaction would be of defiance; and if you are the "over-emotional specie", that confrontation will not end there. Perhaps you will fire out an equally sardonic comeback.  Then it will go on and on and on.  It might even breed poison because all buried regrets will start to surface.

But in the aftermath, where does that leave you? Did you gain anything other than an episode of aggravation?

Taking this example a little bit more poignant, presume that the emissary of this grief is someone whom you thought would not or could not hurt a fly -- someone you trusted with everything you hold sacred.   The devil made him do it. And you say the devil made YOU take it. Bah!!

The question is: are you going to let this strain get the better of you? 

Nobody made you do it. You did it to yourself. You wallowed into that pathetic predicament because you think it will alleviate the hurt it caused.  What are you trying to justify? Think about it.

That anger ... that strong feeling of chagrin and belligerence caused by a wrongdoing... is just a useless consumption of energy.  Just picture the surge of mental agitation and grief you put yourself into when you allow this emotion to overtake your reasoning.  The impulse is nothing but a superficial high that will leave you hollow and remorseful.   And then you feel the angst.  Endpoint you feel depressed.  And what did you gain after all that action? Nothing.

I say let it go.  

Take a deep breath. Count to ten (or make that twenty!). And then release that crippling state of mind.  Put that pride aside for the moment while you muster your composure.  Even though the rage is battling to take over your rationale -- stay focused.  

I didn't say it will be easy... but just let it go. When it is all over, you will see it is worth the effort.  Because you did not welcome the pain to overcome you, there is nothing to heal.  It is as if nothing happened. 

You are free.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

Unconditional means without limitation, without restriction. It is outright; through and through. Unreserved; no holds barred. There should not be "and's, if's, or but's". Unconditional is unequivocal, unmitigated; never questioning.  Unconditional is to give and give and give.

"Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times.  It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations.  It requires practice and intent to allow this energy to fully permeate our daily experience. It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be.  In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it to everyone and everything around us!  That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure.  If you have not thought about how you feel towards yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally, or spiritually, we invite you to do so now.  Begin the journey that changes everything.  Begin the journey of unconditional love..." (retrieved 14-Jun-2010 from the website http://www.thelovefoundation.c om/unconditional_love.htm)

This so called unconditional love has always been misconstrued. One would think that if the love is unconditional, it entails all kinds of pain and sacrifices. Shame. It shouldn't be that way. Unconditional love to be unconditional is to make the giver happy to give.

For love to be unconditional, it must be absolute, undoubting, unfaltering, unhesitating, unquestioning, unreserved, wholehearted. There will not be any remorse, or anguish, or grief, or guilt. None of these. None.

There shouldn't be "counting of the deeds" done for the beloved. I did this... and I did that... And what about me?! I suffer. I hurt. I cry. I need. Where then, is the happiness in this?

For when one professes unconditional love, it does NOT ask for anything in return. It does not hold back, nor does it hinder any growth. It does not whine over spilled milk just because things turned sour.

A broken relationship is not about who is right or who is wrong, for there is no right or wrong! It is about accepting what happened and learning from it - and moving on.

It is disheartening to see broken up couples SPAR because both needed to be alleviated from the pain. Thereby, they find recompense from mockery and derision. Is it really worth the effort to gain an edge by hurting the other person? Does it beget any kind of conciliation to throw the dart with the aim to punish? Will that patch the wound?

Disappointing. And even regrettable. Where is the dignity that is supposed to have barricaded all these foolish, if not ludicrous, display of retribution? Where is this powerful, oh-so-compelling passion that is supposed to have outdone all the misgivings? Where is this so-called UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...

Freedom At Will

By all means... feel free to condemn me. Go ahead.

If in your eyes I deserve to be, then cast that stone and send me away to be punished. But before you do that, walk a mile in my shoes and then judge me.

I just now realized that I cannot always be accountable for any misery or distress caused by my principles. My principles are nothing but fundamental and essential rules to my perspectives in life. I cannot live for anybody but myself.  Because only myself knows what will bring contentment and peace to my soul.

What happened tonight? Nothing.

I just saw things from the outside in...from a different view if I may say so. I am not the only one whose lifestyle defies the rules of ethics and nobility. I saw plenty of those whose lifestyles are very similar to mine... yet they can associate freely and without any trace of discord. Why, then, can I not exist as they do? 

The manner in which I live my life reflects my values and attitudes. And one of those values is to keep my convictions consistent with my upbringing. However, as years add ordeals to my interactions with the environment, my dispositions change. And my character changed along with those changes.

In as much as I would like to fit into this world of deceit and hypocrisy, my inner self rebels. How can a square peg fit into a round hole? My principles refuse to follow the governing rule of approbation. But if I want to be accepted, I should not contest.   Go with the flow.  Ride with the wind. 

For a long time I lived with this restriction.  I cannot do what I want to do because it may cause a breach of allegiance. I cannot be myself. So I kept the contempt to myself.  However, while I may not be one to readily pull the sword and spar, I can contend with the pen.   And I managed to survive with that. 

But tonight, I admit.  I am guilty. 

I am indeed culpable of letting myself free from all angst and disquietude that have imprisoned my mind for so long. No longer do I hold the torch of transgression nor do I hold myself responsible for the non-conformity to the rules of moral and righteous conduct. I finally mustered the ability to speak my mind rather than let my mind be spoken for. I am no longer afraid to say NO and to not allow myself to get swept away with the currents of convenience. 

So if that depravity is worthy of retribution, then go ahead and flog me. Punish me and disown me. So that I may say to myself that I have paid for the consequences of my immorality. So that I may start my life from scratch. Filled with my self-made choices, yet clear of all the filth and grime that society harbors.

So what if I am now an outcast of this posse that hides behind its name for the same immorality that I am accused of. What irony!!

But I am now free.

So... go ahead. Condemn me.

I Miss...

I miss a lot of things.

I miss the things that I used to do back when life was as simple as waking up, going to work, doing chores and doing errands - things that I enjoyed; things that put a smile on my face .. and even things that made me sad every once in a while. I miss the little things that nobody would even think of missing - but they do count when they all come together.  I miss the life I once had... yesterday when I was young.   

But when life comes to a crossroad, and choices are made - things become more complicated. And then life becomes a circus of entangled situations and emotions. Enter conflicts and drama. Enter stress and frustration.  And then the things that I used to enjoy, now become just a chain of routine tasks - some sort of "to-do" list. A list that gets longer and longer and longer.

That is why I miss a lot of things... now that life had made a turn and reached a milestone. I miss this and I miss that. But...

What do I miss the most?

The more subtle of them all: I miss falling in love... and all the trinkets that come with it. I miss having to be wooed and miss being the apple of somebody's eye. I miss the attention, the look of adoration and admiration and the need to be needed. I miss being missed when a day passes by without seeing me. I miss having to be thought of, every minute of every hour. I miss love...

I thought I would never come to this point of yearning... not as frantic as desperation, but hankering, nevertheless. I thought that what I've had before is enough to keep me quiet and content. Is it really human nature to keep wanting for more?

I think not.  i think this is simply a necessity of the stage of life I am in.  While some people swear they can live on their own, I still think no man can be an island. At least not me.

I FEAR growing old by myself. A fear that haunts me like a ghost of the future. And this fear gets stronger as the years go by.  I fear that one day, when I am old, I will wake up with nothing around me, nobody around me.  I fear being useless, not ever needed for anything. Now I understand when people say that growing old by yourself is like a ticking bomb. It is indeed a ticking bomb!

Yes... I do miss a lot of things.  I can write pages and pages of all the things that I miss... but it all boils down to tomorrow.

The big picture: I miss NOT having to worry about tomorrow...

A PenPal HaHa Letter

Dear Yurso Vayne,

You don't know me, and I don't know you either. I just chanced upon your name in a singles ad -- (I can't help but confess that I find your name kinda' quirky -- and that caught my attention!)

I took the liberty to contact you first since it's obvious that you haven't gotten any "hits" from any of the female species since you placed the ad about oh-10 years ago. Boy, that's quite a long wait and I commend your persistence. Are you sure you're not suffering from senile dementia?. You must be really old. (I'm kinda' guessing yanno. I'm just your below-average gal next door who has never owned a calculator and who barely passed Math by a hairline. The reason? I was always asleep in the back).

Anyway, let me start by telling you about myself. I just have to warn you that if you do fall asleep in the middle of my story-telling, I will have to have you take a quiz. This is for your own good, yanno.  You don't want to miss out on somebody like me. I'm special -- (like I ride this bus for special kids when I was young, yanno. I'm one of those kids with special needs - LoL - because I didn't have any friends other than the voices in my head. And even them - they threatened to leave because I cannot understand what the heck they're arguing about all my waking hours.)

Well.. according to my father, my ancestors were accelerated, cultivated homo sapiens. In the Ceektionary (btw. that is my own dictionary -- a ceektionary!), the term is associated with pea-brained individuals. But the size of my brain is by far larger than that of my Pre-prehistoric ancestors. You know what I mean... like the dino-saurs and cee-saurus and such.

Now, according to my mother, I am beautiful. (I just love mothers, yanno -- they teach the first example of lying LoL. They tell us that we're the most beautiful creatures since roasted marshmallows, when in reality not even mirrors can stand the sight of us looking at ourselves. LoL.)  I asked her why she thinks I'm beautiful and she consistently says because my nose has a distinct crookedness you will never find on anybody else. I believed her! And I bet you'll believe her too when you see me! LoL.

Being that I do have cavemen behavior, my expression of "i love you, i want you, i need you" means to hit each other on the head, and when done and satisfied, move on to the next head to bat. But hey, there's good in that. Imagine... no emotional entanglements - no drama at all.  Only bumps in the head and elsewhere.

I'm always preoccupied. With what? (Oh please don't tell me it's Facebook!).  I'm preoccupied with how to get a life. Hah! I'm joking. I do have a life. I just don't know how to live it other than to post nonsensical hubbubs on Facebook.  Uhm. Pretty much the same as yours -- your life, I mean.  I know that you spend every minute of your waking hour in front of that humongous flat screen (wow! high-tech huh!) posting on your Facebook wall with every bit of information of how your day goes by. (Including doing a number 2 in the bathroom. Ewww!)

I do get bored quite quickly. My attention span is ... hmmm... 5 minutes? The average attention span of an average person is 20 minutes ~ would you care to dispute that? I'm open for a written debate - only because I have yet to hone my verbal communication skills. Because I am as sensitive as an onion peel, I get easily carried away be criticisms -- and that distracts my train of thoughts at a disadvantage.

Wow. Can you tell that I am getting more human by the hour?  My intellectual mechanism gets fired up when the person I'm talking with just stares at me like I have two heads.  Oh what a bore! (I meant you -- not me!)

My interests varies from discussions of an individual's philosophical values and the morals of the society as a whole. I always tend to question the WHY of things ~ as in "why do people do the things they do?". Is it just plain ignorance? a display of cockiness and arrogance? the genes of obnoxiousness? or simply a lack of self-respect?

And then I question every occurrence of events that surround my life: does the end justify the means or does the means justify the end? I am an avid fan of the psychoanalytical aspect of it all. No... I didn't major in Psychology -- I got my thinking skills from my shrink LoL.  LoL.

Can't you tell? I love to write. Write about things. Write about anything, everything, or nothing. Write about entities and ideas and fears and joys and blah's. There is no direction. Why do you think I'm writing to you now?  Hah! My thoughts race in various speeds - depending upon the nature and depth  of my feelings.

My sense of humor is dry, sarcastic, and simply that. Blah. Nobody wants to hear me tell a joke because the joke itself, at most times, go over my head. D*uh! That is why I have to laugh at myself for therapeutic measures. 

My ideas are oftentimes spontaneous; sometimes aimless or seamless, but always confused and questioning. "..but why?" Huh?! (The "huh" doesn't mean I'm dumb. It simply means I'm surprised to see you open your mouth.)

I believe I am "BOTH-brained" Simply put, the left brain and the right brain. (Or sometimes, the no-brain. LOL. I have traits from both sides.

By the way... I am a fish.  Read my lips. I said FISH -- I didn't say "fishy".  Did you see my mouth move to say the "eeeey"? Of course not! I do not look like a fish, I do not act like a fish, and definitely do not smell like a fish. I promise you that. LoL. I am a Piscean. Born on a leap year.


I have this book called: "How to Choose the Right Ape", which I reference most of the time. It says in the book that if I meet the right ape, I will have a joyful, contented life.  I'm just a little teenie-weenie bit concerned about how apes make love.  Ackkk!! I must stop watching the Animal Kingdom channel (is that what it's called?).  That's where I found out that apes hump-pump-pump, kaboom, they're done in 5 seconds flat. Whoooa. That surely should go in the Guinness Book of ???? Another whoooooa. How do I deal with that? Now I'm having second thoughts about finding an ape. Most certainly you can see, apes and I cannot be compatible.  At least not in that aspect of "making out" (HA HA). I follow the rule in the book where it recommends:"for best results, action required". And there will be a contract that will read: I am not responsible for the side-effects of unfinished business if rules are not followed. Do not engage in this activity unless you can perform long hours of play! 

That being said... would you like to meet me at the zoo? LMAOoooo!

Your penpal haha friend,
Cee Itolduso

Talking to Myself Again

It only hurts in the beginning. Then you get used to it. And you'll say to yourself: "it's not that bad after all. I can handle it."

But.. can you really handle it? Or are you just fooling yourself? Like a clown you hide the sorrow behind the mask of glee.

There is turmoil inside me. A whole lot of it. In fact it is profusely overpowering my reasoning that nothing seems to be right anymore. It is so vehemently huge that I see only distortion. As in broken glass. Nothing else.

I am confused. I am bewildered. I am lost.

I don't know what to feel; neither do I know how to feel. Perhaps there is nothing to feel. As if there is this hollowness from which I just float about -- a vacuum that represents a hiatus from existence.

A deep sigh will push away the pain. And then another deeper sigh will give comfort.

Here I go again. Speaking in tongues. I do it on purpose -- so that nobody will understand nor distinctly define that which is bothering me. I like it this way, however. It prevents a closure. It keeps me thinking. It keeps YOU thinking.

So... yes, I do understand everything I was told. And for each of those bullet points, I have a riposte. But I dare not speak. Because what comes out of my mouth may not be what is in my head. And what is in my head may not be what my heart dictates. You see?

I can see your doubts. I can see not only anger building up, but frustration from the fact that you've put so much of yourself into this*, only for the efforts to go down the drain. You really think I am complicated? That all I am is nothing but an asymmetrical lump of fundamental intricacy?? For lack of a better word: Irregular.

Honestly? I am beginning to think I am! Because even I confuse my own self with this roller-coaster of sentiments, shooting from all directions. Fact of the matter is -- I am transparent. Hence you see this array of colors representing every emotion I exude. Black. Blue. Green.

Therefore, you step back to give yourself that time and space where you can process and rationalize the ideation. That is good. That is progress. It means I mean something. Finally.

You want to know something? I am just an android. An autonomous human robot. I function through the dictates of your feelings and your disposition. I do not own my feelings. You grafted emotions into me, ergo, you control how I should feel when I should feel it.

You are an extraordinary piece of work, I must say. You are the epitome of brilliance in that there is depth in everything you say. And there is truth, I must admit. That is why I admire you. Let truth be told... I adore you.

BUT... You want to know something else?  Robots can self-destruct from a simple short circuit. And with that minute malfunction, even within the least amount of time, the robot WILL not be the same again. Ever.

Now I wonder... if pets are missed when they are gone... will you also miss the robot?

It's time I put away the deteriorating brain cells. Recharge it. Tomorrows always promise something better than the last. I am half asleep. Is this really happening?

It is the Mind that Speaks

I find it amusing to read horoscopes, especially those that speak of love and relationships.  So then one day I read this love horoscope just for the "ha-ha" -- but now I'm starting to wonder... hmmmm   Love Horoscope:   Anything that is mythical and mysterious will be very appealing to you today, Pisces. You are finding yourself lost in spiritual thoughts and the bigger questions in life are making themselves known to you today. You are wanting to see progress in romance right now, but are not quite sure how to advance this situation, so you may find yourself looking to the universe for direction.  If you pay very close attention to signals that are being felt today, rather than seen, you may discover that someone else is asking the stars the same questions of you. (retrieved: http://apps.facebook.com/dailyhoroscopeapp/index.php?)    I can (kinda') relate to that highlighted statement... but the question is: how? and until when?

Should I ask the universe? Or maybe the stars can at least give me a hint?  hah! :::hands up in the air:::

Oh well.  So much of that for now. Que sera sera!! All these sayings: I'll cross the bridge when I get there -- IF I get there.  Does this mean I finally gave in to the fact that what's not meant to be will not be? 

Nope. I didn't give up.  I just stopped trying. 

How can one ever fit a square peg into a round hole?  I tried. and tried. and tried. (BTW... I am the square peg ha-ha).  No can do.  I'm only making a fool of myself.  Enough of that. Tra-la-la.

For now, I'll stop trying.  I'll even stop thinking, or stop asking.  I'll just trust my intuition.  I will sit here and see what happens before me. Savor the moment!!  If something concocts while I watch, I will give more credence to the actions rather than the words.  So be it.

My Own Version

We have our own favorite songs. Songs that hold a special meaning in our lives. The melody is awesome, you relate to the message in the lyrics but not totally -- because some phrases just don't fit into your feelings. So, you make your own version (hah!) ... just like this one.

I give my hand to you and then I say hello

and you can hardly speak, your heart is beating so

and anyone can tell, I think I know you well... 

but I don't know you

No you don't know the one who dreams of you at night

and longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight

to you I'm just a friend, that's all I've ever been

No I don't know you

I never knew the art of making love

though my heart aches with love for you

afraid and shy, you let your chance go by

a chance that I might love you too

I give my hand to you and then I say goodbye

You watched me walk away beside the lucky guy

oh you'll never know the one who loved you so

No you don't know me

From the song: You Don't Know Me by Ray Charles

Sunday Woe

it's Sunday once again.

Sundays seem to be a day of "re"...  as in re-analyzing, re-capturing, re-evaluating, re-calculating, re-membering the events of the past week... re - re - re.  Anything that has a "re" in it is like always part of a Sunday.

Re-turn?

Yeah. That's what I feel right now. It is dominating my being-- like a pounding headache.  But how do I do that when it is not what I want but it is something that I have to do -- to keep my brain from weaving thought after thought after thought. Endless.

Return to the frame of mind where my confidence is intactly secure. It may be hollow. It may be empty,,, but it is solitude that does not bring me sleepless nights.

I don't know. I really don't know anymore...

Procrastinating

Coincidental? It's Sunday once again.

I thought about writing a few hours ago -- which is Saturday. But the urge to flick over the movies on Netflix ruled over my blogging desire.

So... It was quite a long Saturday. Mother and daughter accomplished a lot of errands. Took the dog to the grooming salon for his long-overdue bath and haircut! (Yay! hairballs be gone!). I didn't feel like driving home just to come back and pick him up, so off shopping mother and daughter went to kill time. Hah! quite an expensive way to kill time. Between lunch and snack, store hopping and impulsive buying, I'm sure I'd be pulling my hair when time comes to balance my check book LoL. Oh, but it was worth it, I must say. It's one of those quality times mother and daughter get to spend.

Everything was going fine until...

Beep! Beep! "message!". That was my my phone. (Technology has really gone a long way. Who would've thought back in the days of our great great grandparents that talking phones will evolve? But then again, was it ever thought that the genius of our ancestral apes could someday be the cause of our destruction?)

The text message was NOT something I'd expect. At least not from the sender.

What was the text message about?

I can't say. According to Saturday's horoscope: Today you need to focus and be aware of how what you're saying may affect others, Pisces. The emphasis is on friends today but things can sometimes go a ride through misunderstanding or trying to stay in control of the conversation to keep it from going off on a tangent. 

Hence, although it's technically a Sunday now, I'd wait a couple more hours before I open my mouth. Hah!