Analyzing Me

For as long as i can remember, I have been comfortable in my own skin, except during the dark time when I was finding myself. I have the confidence that even if I do not own the perfection of physical attributes, I have in me the heart of sincerity. And kindness. And generosity. And compassion. And sensitivity.

Don't laugh. Even if you think I'm not, in my mind I still think I am. I'm really not as terrible as you think (or see), it's just your perception of me. What you think of me is different from what I think of me, or what others may think of me. Being me, I do not try to be someone else; I just try to remain who I am. A gardammsannavavitz! (Oh you just love that word, don't ya?!)

I do not have a problem accepting myself (NOW) with all my faults and inconsistencies. After all, that is what I am made of and there is nothing more or less I can do about that. What I cannot accept is how people see me and form visions and impressions of me. The character that they create of me is a far cry from the person that I am, in most cases. For what they see is only the facade - and for all they know, that is what there is only of me. Nothing else.

Wrong.

Do not judge a book by its cover. How popular the saying, and how overrated! People say it and swear to live by it, but heck no! they don't apply it. Ah such hypocrites. And traitors, if I may add. They show the face of glee in front of me, but spit at my back because they cannot tolerate who I am or what I stand for. They envy every piece of me. How is that for self-confidence?

And why shouldn't I? I am fortunate enough to have survived the fangs of life... and to come out steadfast. I am smart enough to know that if I give up on life, I am giving up everything that I have lived for. And have worked for. And have struggled for. Even battled for.

Ok. So you doubt my words. Sure, you're entitled to that. And so does everybody else ~ entitled to their own personal opinions. But because you see me from a different view doesn't mean that I am that way. You see me from your own scope and perspective. Again, coming from your own perception. But it doesn't matter - really. I could care less. What have I to gain if I dwell and mope on your perception of me?

And so what if I have been temporarily "decommissioned"? Everybody goes through that phase at some point in their lives. Everybody!

I admit. I made decisions that not only swirled around in my own egocentricity, but were also destructive to the people within my circle. I was ugly in its ugliest sense. I was drowning in abysmal ignorance. I was lost, confused, and disordered. I was miserable, ergo, I made everybody also miserable. What a pathetic time of my life!

All I needed were a few shocks here and then and now I'm back to my old self. I am slowly coming out of this shell - the pit that I have so carelessly put myself into these last couple of years - where there was nothing but the constant struggle to define myself. It felt like a losing battle, but I kept on fighting. And fought I did.

So now I'm back. Here I am. Fully defined, stabilized, situated, and empowered.

Ah.. Freedom. Freedom from the demons of the past. Emancipation from the skeletons in my closet. Riddance of the dirty laundry and the stench of depravation.

As I look at myself in the mirror now, I see only the beauty of truth and openness. I see now the substance that make up the real me. I have now come to learn that it is A-OK to be depressed, to be anxious, to be irritable and sad, or to just be plainly confused. I have fully come to terms with myself. I have accepted myself for whatever I am and have forgiven myself for the faults that I made.

Anyway.

What have you got to say?