Rotten Feelings from the Olden Days

I can't sleep. It's not that I have so many things in my mind like I used to, it's just that I can't. It's more a combination of boredom and loneliness, I guess. I don't know. It's blah.

I explored the various sites in my favorites, hoping to read something worthwhile. Perhaps if I get motivated enough, I could write something -- just something.

But there was nothing. At least, nothing that perked up my interest.

I'm starting to feel loneliness creeping into me. I used to tell myself this too shall pass because I have been through this road before. Many times before. And each time I was able to overcome the desolation.

This time, I think I am going to fail. What is it that is bothering me?

Condemnation.

NO. I won't let that happen. Didn't I say that I have already made peace with myself? So I should stop feeding into the mudslide.

Back to MYSPACE, I read a friend's blog. It's funny because I didn't think he would even have the guts to speak his mind through that open venue. But he did. And shocked as I am, I felt his pain. He was suffering.

I wanted to comment on his blog. But I dared not. I will spare him the drama that my comment may cause. Knowing myself, I will only be lashing out words that will shake him up and add salt to his injury.

He is a friend. A dear friend. I hope he finds solitude and resolution to all his woes.

In a way I can relate to him. Though I may not feel his pain, I feel his suffering. All these emotions bottled up inside him are perhaps the same emotions that are now claiming the sanctity of my mind. The grief of not being able to reach out and express the sentiment is the worst atrocity one could ever experience. I know this. Like I said, I've been there. It's like going to hell and back again.

Back to my solitude. I now start to wonder if this feeling of blah has anything to do at all with my being alone. Sometimes it's good to be alone -- to savor the quiet and tranquility of the moment. But oftentimes, such as this, it is not a good feeling. It tugs me down and makes me feel inadequate. Incomplete. Like a hollow space.

Ah. Perhaps all I need is a good night's sleep. Though my body is tired, my mind refuses to be at ease. Be still. I am in control. This too shall pass...