What I Think

i am so tired of feeling this way. for no apparent reason, i fall into this pit of despair. it's so dark. it's empty. it's like the end of the road. it's like i'm standing on the edge of a cliff -- looking down and wondering what will happen if i dared jump off? will i float or glide just like one of those dreams i've had or will i just fall flat on my face and break every bone in my body.

that will surely hurt if i survive. and i'll probably be a vegetable because that will ruin everything that i am made of. and then i won't be able to do what i do.. but i'd still be thinking.

a lot of people think it is a joke to feel depressed. or maybe they think it's a good excuse to create some drama in their lives. what they don't know is that it is a dreadful, irritating feeling of hopelessness. it is something that will just encroach your mind with sadness and gloom and all the negativity you could ever think of.

try as you might to think the cause of it, there will not be any answer. everything contradicts your thoughts and there will always be conflict. it is painful. very very painful because you will feel like you're the only person on earth -- there is nobody else.

oh i know this is stupid. and i can only laugh at myself. if only i can laugh right now, i would. but i am engulfed with sorrow.

you try to find ways of running away from where you stand. but your feet is glued to the ground. it's like a nightmare.

you call on your friends -- your so-called friends who in reality are really not because they are only there in good times. in times like this, they don't care -- they'd even sneer at you and laugh at you and even think oh how pathetic you are!!

oh don't get me wrong please. i do not mean to mean all of my friends. i do have friends --and unbelievably so -- they are the ones whom you do not expect to care for you -- who would just peek in to say "hey snap out of it", and then try to pull you out of your self-inflicted misery.

my BFF said the stress of the party planning is paying its toll -- maybe it is.. maybe it's not. or it could be the aftermath of all the evil things i did -- not necessarily a punishment, but i look at it that way, anyway.

i don't know anything anymore. i don't want to think anymore. i've been trying to tough it out and heaven knows how hard i try. i just cannot fight the gravity that pulls me down. it is indeed pathetic.