My Daughter's Thoughts

How would you feel if you find out, from out of the blue, that your child holds a sentiment that you find hard to respond to because you cannot categorize it as amongst the norm of your relationship with the kid? The norm being that of frustration (because you feel that no matter what you do or how you do it, you cannot get your message across), that of annoyance (because you are so tired from a long day's work and you have to cook dinner), that of sadness (because you feel the guilt of not having spent quality time with your kids), that of anger (because you feel you lost control of your life). Hmm. We do have issues here, don't we?

Once again, being the nosy mother that I am, I chanced upon my daughter's latest blog. Ok, ok.. so it was not a chance. It was more of "on purpose" ~ say, it's a "lemme check what's in her blog today" kind of thing, yanno!

So on my merry way I went browsing. Little did I know that what I will have read today would change the way I see the "other person" that my daughter has grown into.
Read on...


UNaPPRECiATEd;;
Current mood: depressed

So upset.
So sensitive.
So hurt.

How Miranda Feels Right Now.

Yes, i'm feeling REALLY unappreciated. Like nobody cares about the things I do. Like i'm so strong, and everything you say can just go right through me.

For me, it was LIKE that. Not anymore. My brother has always been the person to just keep pushing me to the edge, but today he went over the limit. Today I was supposedly in a bad mood.According to my brother I am as follows: cow/ noob/dumb/ fat/ spoiled && more.

I just hate how everyone has to keep toying with my emotions and just can't be nice to me;; even for a little. And it's always the same people. When I was little I had ALWAYS cared about my brother. No matter how many times we fought, no matter how many times HE was wrong, but I still said that it was me that was wrong, no matter how many times he called me names, no matter how many times he made me cry, no matter how many times he made me not tell mom what he did to me to make me mad, no matter what.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so kindd. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so.. nice to everyone. It's like I always care about other people's feelings. When I was little and I went to the store with my mommy, I would always get some kind of candy. You know, the ones that are located by the register. Yeah, i'd always get TWO. Why two? There's only ONE of me. It's because I always gave the SECONd one to my brother.

And for some reason, I always look up to my brother. And so i'm basically, ALMOST, like him. Music is our strongest point, video games are a MUST;; not to mention how good we are at them;; stupid remarks;; everything comes from him.

Lately, i've realized how he does things. When ever he sees cousins that live far away, he has to be cool. He NEEDS to feel like he's accomplished more than them, and that he's still the coolest. He shows them all of his cool songs that he's made on his super electrical keyboard//piano, and then he has to still be funny. So what better way is there to be funny other than to make fun of someone? Of course the victim ALWAYS gets to be ME. Hooray. >.> So yes, I get to be called a cow, stupid, spoiled, dumb, retarded, "noob", fat, and the NEW: Nikki Jr. (Meaning one of those teens that act like preps or whatever and try mad hard to fight back).

So what did Jeffrey do this time? What did he do to PUSH ME OFF THE EDGE? Well i'll tell you... Today we went to ON THE BORDER. Yes, and we all sat down and ate. And my mommy wasn't there. Nahh, it was Jeffrey, Clarissa, Rachel, and me. So there was no FREE meal here, we all paid for ourselves. I didn't mind paying for myself, but I didn't know I was paying for Rachel too. Now, I don't mind paying for Rachel, but Jeffrey just volunteered my kindness out. Clarissa handed Jeffrey some money for Rachel, but Jeffrey said STOP. And he kept telling Clarissa that I would pay for her. Again, I don't care, but you could at least notify me first. And I didn't really want to pay for her all that much this night. But don't think that i'm selfish or whatever, because I pay for Rachel a LOT. And I was running low on money, but I still would do it. So then Clarissa hands ME the money. Jeffrey says not to take it, but of course Clarissa says to take it. So I slowly took it, and Jeffrey says it. Yes, IT.

He basically told me to stop being spoiled. He BASiCALLY said that I always get what I want and that I should change. So let me know how i'm SPOiLEd. I DON'T let my mommy pay for the stuff I want anymore. I'm the one that pays for it. Not unless it's like clothes or food or somethingg. But normally, all the stuff I want, I pay for. Of course there's the little things that come from no where that she does pay for. Which i'm THANKFUL for, so it's not like I do it all the time or somethingg.

I wanna know how I can be UNkind. I'm not bragging about myself, i'm just telling you. This is what I do:


I buy people presents for no reason. Just because I went to the store and saw something they liked, so I went to buy it for them. There's no occasion though.
Most of the time when someone needs some lunch money, I give them the money, because they tell me that they'll pay me back. And most of the timee, they don't.
I'm always concerned on how others feel. It's hard for me to be REALLY mean to people and actually mean it, because I don't want them to get hurt.I honestly think that I don't ask for anything from someone.
Well sure I ask;; but HARdLY. So of course for all these little things that I do, I sort of feel like I want to be rewarded for it. Does that sound kind of selfish or somethinggg? Well not to me.

On Christmas we didn't get anythingg;; nobody did. I got something small from my mom, some money from my dad, some presents from friends (which i am HiGHLY thankful for), a present from my grandma, and some money from my other grandparents. Not my last birthday, but the birthday BEFORE that, nothing happened. We were supposed to go somewhere, but we didn't. They were gunna buy me a cake, but they didn't. Instead some unexpected relatives came over. Without notice. All I got that day was.. a quick birthday song, but it was only to wake me up and get out of bed.

Yeah, when I was little I was pretty spoiledd I guess. But not all the way. I mean, almost every small kid was spoiled at least a LiTTLe. And I was a bad little kid. Causing havoc every now and then, but then I grew up. I really don't like how people keep thinking i'm still that same little kid.

For example: My aunt won't let my cousin come over because she thinks that we're gonna do bad things, like jump on walls and stuff. These were the kinds of things I used to do when I was a kid. She also thinks that my mom doesn't watch us. Well she kind of doesn't, but that really doesn't even matter. My mom taught me how to be independent, and how to be smart about things. She taught me how to live ON MY OWN. So I sorta do.

Well of course my aunt still thinks that i'm that rotten little kid and so she doesn't let her come and sleep over. Example DOS: I think it goes the same for my mom. I guess i'm kind of annoyed how she keeps telling me the same things. And i'll admit that maybe 2 years ago, I would just let whatever she said go through one ear and out the other. But not anymore.

It hurts me to realize that she can't see that i've already grown out of that. I basically already know what to do everyday. Do the dishes, take care of Pepper, get the mail, and other random things that she wants me to do. Some days I don't do them because i'm tiredd, and sometimes I feel so worn out. And it annoys me how she thinks that she's the only one that can get tired everyday. And I understand that she gets tired and that's why I don't get upset with her when she doesn't take me places or anything like that;; it's because she's tired. But I don't get how she thinks that i'm just full of energy; that I can clean the whole house, do my homework, and just about everything else in one day.

And so now i'm thinking..It really hurts me. Like it brings me to tears.. when my mom ignores me. When everything I have to say has to wait. Like she just can't take 80 seconds tops just to hear what I have to say.

Sometimes I feel so UNimportant to everyone. For example:This morning//afternoonish morning, my mom was talking to Jeffrey and asking him what he was gonna do with his life. Now I don't wanna be in the kind of position that my brother is in. He just kinda quit college. Well as almost all of you know, I have this really nice voice;; and I wanna put it to work. So I wanted to ask my mom a question. She told me to wait;; she told me that she was talking to Jeffrey. So I waited. I felt so unimportant. What was my question? It was.. "What state is Juliard in?". I wanted to know, so that I could see where i'd have to go so that I could be in that college. At least i'm thinking about where i'm trying to be. At least i'm thinking about WHO i wanna be. Just ignoring what I thinkk makes me wanna not do anything about my future plans.

I bet you that I went totally off topic. But i'm sorry;; I was just sort of "venting". But honestly;; I love everyone and i'm thankful for what they have given me so far. Everything, especially my mom. Being her is probably the hardest. Even HOMELESS people have it better than her. I feel guilty for making her stressed sometimes, but sometimes she does it to herself, and she doesn't knowww, so it kinda goes to me. If you seriously read this all, then you deserve some kind of award.

Thank you for caring;; or at least being bored enough to read all of it.

Comments;; concerns? I'd like to hear them.

Whoooooaa!




I am speechless. Blah. Momentarily devoid of feeling as I stare blankly on the wall. The revelation took its toll and now I'm lost. This is like a scene from a movie where the audience get to utter the 'ooohs' and 'ahhhs' or jump up from the seat in exhilaration, or wipe off a drop of tear that trickled down the nose. But my reaction is "did I miss something?", "What is going on?" I must have dozed off during one of the more intriguing parts of the movie because I do not have a clue!

Guilt is starting to creep up on me. Where have I been? How could I have been too preoccupied to not have known of this predicament? STOP. Stop right there. Before I start blaming myself, let me step back and think. (And my thoughts will have to go into another post!.. so stand by!) ~ItsduhAttityood
end




Update on Sun, January 21, 2007 at 07:25PM by itsduhattityood
I guess I've waited long enough to keep quiet and assess my feelings on this particular issue. I wanted to make sure that my response is impartial of my feelings. Knowing myself, I tend to be subjectively emotional.

While it is true that my daughter may have felt the anguish of being neglected, it is also true that she is apparently going through the "what do I want to be?" "how should I feel?" "how should I act/react?" stage of adolescence. We all went through that confusing, if not terrifying, phase. In as much as we don't want to accept it now that we have grown out of it, we did over-react to at some instances at that time. And I think this is a good example of one of those instances.

This is not to say that I am inculpable. I admit that I am very much at fault for aggravating the affliction by being pre-occupied 99% of the time, which makes me a candidate for the "unfit mother" crown. However, being pre-occupied does not necessarily mean I am totally unaware of the "goings-on". In fact, I am in the know. And this "lack of concern" is but a way of showing who is the adult in the house.

For instance: I assigned chores to be done on a regular basis - regardless of any situation that could have prevented the completion of the task. (Except of course, in extreme cases). Are the chores being accomplished on that "regular" basis? NOPE. And these are not difficult or overwhelming chores (as compared to what we had on our plates during our times). Therefore, the mother in me reacts in a variety of emotion: anger, annoyance, frustration, etc. Until finally, one has to give up. The mother.

Would you have held a grudge against your child for what she had put you through? Of course not. All you can do is to step back and reposition. And that I did (and still do). And in so doing, I encroach myself into impassiveness so that I can give the impression of "You don't abide by my rules, then I don't care -- you're on your own". (This mode of action may be not frowned upon by the majority of you-mothers. But hey, again, I say: to each his own). The advantage of this, on the other hand, is finding out how the child will carry through, given the situation. In this case, I found out that she understands what it is to be independent and strives to be one.
The downside: oftentimes, the feeling of helplessness on my part overpowers all senses of direction. The seemingly loss of control of authority cripples the goal of putting things in perspective. Hence the giving in and the giving up. Temporarily. Until all participants in this drama are back to their normal selves ... and they will -- live happily ever after. (I'm glad that made you fall asleep. I always thought I am a good story-teller!) LOL.

~ItsduhAttityood

Update on Mon, January 22, 2007 at 05:29PM by itsduhattityood
From the old (edition) of the blog, a response was posted regarding this topic:

BitchinAngel said...
Wow I actually sat and read thru all of that. And Miranda I give you credit for venting and basically being yourself. Young or old we all know the feeling of *not feeling important* Sometimes all it takes for us to *snap out of it* is to weigh the situation. Maybe even take a piece of paper and write the good on one column the bad on the other. Maybe it's only then we see that although the ones we love may make us mad and feel unappreciated, the good far outweighs the bad. Keep your head up Miranda and keep on writing it cleanses the mind and soul :o)

Joanne :o)

Thu Jan 18, 08:55:00 PM
MiRaNdA;; said...
UHM.
WHY iS THiS HERE!?

makes plans to destroy mommy's computer- hihi