It's Sunday evening. I just finished struggling to crack open those crab legs and now I'm just sitting here, staring at this blank page. Hah! I'm trying to get myself into that mood -- to write about something -- anything that will make this night a little more (intellectually) productive than the past nights of the week.
Nothing comes to mind, however.
I realize that I have really been into a feeling of nothingness these past few days. No... make that weeks! Yea. It's been quite a while since I've had some "drama" in my life. Not that I want to engage in one right now... but somehow, when there is something to ruffle your feathers with, it makes it a little colorful. Far from this gray, dry blah!
Were it not for the regular nights out with friends -- a couple of hours of drowning myself in my self-made diversion, I'd have been a basket case of pathetic no-life drifter. With nomadic routine of getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home (reluctantly running errands here and there and doing never-ending chores) and then back to bed -- wouldn't that be called a passive existence?
I surely know what's wrong with this picture; but I dare not dwell upon it.
Why?
Because I do not want to turn it into an affirmation.
I do not want to admit that I am needing. Or wanting.
Because if I do, I will only feed myself with self-pity; some kind of self-indulgent attitude about my strife (when really it is not what it is!). Hah. Let's just say I'm trying to be optimistic. That I can see the glass as half full; rather than half empty!
The popcorn is gone. I finally threw away the last (lonely) kernel. After all... a kernel all by itself doesn't look as "appealing" as a whole bag of popcorn!
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I know the feeling, except my life feels like a nothingness instead of passive existence. Strange how my dad's comments ring back in my head after 35 years. He was about my age when he said similar things: "I get up, go to work, come home, eat, hang around a while, watch TV, go to bed to start the cycle over again. Is this all there is to life?"
ReplyDeleteCee, you are indeed a profound woman. I always admire that.
Thank you for the kind words!
ReplyDeleteI surely can relate to your comment. More often than not, I question life. What is it really all about? But if you think about it with an open perspective, you'll see the colors that are just being hidden by a dark cloud of frustration. Frustration -- perhaps because at that time of reflection, we were in a situation that we did not envision ourselves to be in. Truly, life is what we make out of it. It's simple or it's complicated. You just need to choose which one it should be.
Cee