A PenPal HaHa Letter

Dear Yurso Vayne,

You don't know me, and I don't know you either. I just chanced upon your name in a singles ad -- (I can't help but confess that I find your name kinda' quirky -- and that caught my attention!)

I took the liberty to contact you first since it's obvious that you haven't gotten any "hits" from any of the female species since you placed the ad about oh-10 years ago. Boy, that's quite a long wait and I commend your persistence. Are you sure you're not suffering from senile dementia?. You must be really old. (I'm kinda' guessing yanno. I'm just your below-average gal next door who has never owned a calculator and who barely passed Math by a hairline. The reason? I was always asleep in the back).

Anyway, let me start by telling you about myself. I just have to warn you that if you do fall asleep in the middle of my story-telling, I will have to have you take a quiz. This is for your own good, yanno.  You don't want to miss out on somebody like me. I'm special -- (like I ride this bus for special kids when I was young, yanno. I'm one of those kids with special needs - LoL - because I didn't have any friends other than the voices in my head. And even them - they threatened to leave because I cannot understand what the heck they're arguing about all my waking hours.)

Well.. according to my father, my ancestors were accelerated, cultivated homo sapiens. In the Ceektionary (btw. that is my own dictionary -- a ceektionary!), the term is associated with pea-brained individuals. But the size of my brain is by far larger than that of my Pre-prehistoric ancestors. You know what I mean... like the dino-saurs and cee-saurus and such.

Now, according to my mother, I am beautiful. (I just love mothers, yanno -- they teach the first example of lying LoL. They tell us that we're the most beautiful creatures since roasted marshmallows, when in reality not even mirrors can stand the sight of us looking at ourselves. LoL.)  I asked her why she thinks I'm beautiful and she consistently says because my nose has a distinct crookedness you will never find on anybody else. I believed her! And I bet you'll believe her too when you see me! LoL.

Being that I do have cavemen behavior, my expression of "i love you, i want you, i need you" means to hit each other on the head, and when done and satisfied, move on to the next head to bat. But hey, there's good in that. Imagine... no emotional entanglements - no drama at all.  Only bumps in the head and elsewhere.

I'm always preoccupied. With what? (Oh please don't tell me it's Facebook!).  I'm preoccupied with how to get a life. Hah! I'm joking. I do have a life. I just don't know how to live it other than to post nonsensical hubbubs on Facebook.  Uhm. Pretty much the same as yours -- your life, I mean.  I know that you spend every minute of your waking hour in front of that humongous flat screen (wow! high-tech huh!) posting on your Facebook wall with every bit of information of how your day goes by. (Including doing a number 2 in the bathroom. Ewww!)

I do get bored quite quickly. My attention span is ... hmmm... 5 minutes? The average attention span of an average person is 20 minutes ~ would you care to dispute that? I'm open for a written debate - only because I have yet to hone my verbal communication skills. Because I am as sensitive as an onion peel, I get easily carried away be criticisms -- and that distracts my train of thoughts at a disadvantage.

Wow. Can you tell that I am getting more human by the hour?  My intellectual mechanism gets fired up when the person I'm talking with just stares at me like I have two heads.  Oh what a bore! (I meant you -- not me!)

My interests varies from discussions of an individual's philosophical values and the morals of the society as a whole. I always tend to question the WHY of things ~ as in "why do people do the things they do?". Is it just plain ignorance? a display of cockiness and arrogance? the genes of obnoxiousness? or simply a lack of self-respect?

And then I question every occurrence of events that surround my life: does the end justify the means or does the means justify the end? I am an avid fan of the psychoanalytical aspect of it all. No... I didn't major in Psychology -- I got my thinking skills from my shrink LoL.  LoL.

Can't you tell? I love to write. Write about things. Write about anything, everything, or nothing. Write about entities and ideas and fears and joys and blah's. There is no direction. Why do you think I'm writing to you now?  Hah! My thoughts race in various speeds - depending upon the nature and depth  of my feelings.

My sense of humor is dry, sarcastic, and simply that. Blah. Nobody wants to hear me tell a joke because the joke itself, at most times, go over my head. D*uh! That is why I have to laugh at myself for therapeutic measures. 

My ideas are oftentimes spontaneous; sometimes aimless or seamless, but always confused and questioning. "..but why?" Huh?! (The "huh" doesn't mean I'm dumb. It simply means I'm surprised to see you open your mouth.)

I believe I am "BOTH-brained" Simply put, the left brain and the right brain. (Or sometimes, the no-brain. LOL. I have traits from both sides.

By the way... I am a fish.  Read my lips. I said FISH -- I didn't say "fishy".  Did you see my mouth move to say the "eeeey"? Of course not! I do not look like a fish, I do not act like a fish, and definitely do not smell like a fish. I promise you that. LoL. I am a Piscean. Born on a leap year.


I have this book called: "How to Choose the Right Ape", which I reference most of the time. It says in the book that if I meet the right ape, I will have a joyful, contented life.  I'm just a little teenie-weenie bit concerned about how apes make love.  Ackkk!! I must stop watching the Animal Kingdom channel (is that what it's called?).  That's where I found out that apes hump-pump-pump, kaboom, they're done in 5 seconds flat. Whoooa. That surely should go in the Guinness Book of ???? Another whoooooa. How do I deal with that? Now I'm having second thoughts about finding an ape. Most certainly you can see, apes and I cannot be compatible.  At least not in that aspect of "making out" (HA HA). I follow the rule in the book where it recommends:"for best results, action required". And there will be a contract that will read: I am not responsible for the side-effects of unfinished business if rules are not followed. Do not engage in this activity unless you can perform long hours of play! 

That being said... would you like to meet me at the zoo? LMAOoooo!

Your penpal haha friend,
Cee Itolduso