I Miss...

I miss a lot of things.

I miss the things that I used to do back when life was as simple as waking up, going to work, doing chores and doing errands - things that I enjoyed; things that put a smile on my face .. and even things that made me sad every once in a while. I miss the little things that nobody would even think of missing - but they do count when they all come together.  I miss the life I once had... yesterday when I was young.   

But when life comes to a crossroad, and choices are made - things become more complicated. And then life becomes a circus of entangled situations and emotions. Enter conflicts and drama. Enter stress and frustration.  And then the things that I used to enjoy, now become just a chain of routine tasks - some sort of "to-do" list. A list that gets longer and longer and longer.

That is why I miss a lot of things... now that life had made a turn and reached a milestone. I miss this and I miss that. But...

What do I miss the most?

The more subtle of them all: I miss falling in love... and all the trinkets that come with it. I miss having to be wooed and miss being the apple of somebody's eye. I miss the attention, the look of adoration and admiration and the need to be needed. I miss being missed when a day passes by without seeing me. I miss having to be thought of, every minute of every hour. I miss love...

I thought I would never come to this point of yearning... not as frantic as desperation, but hankering, nevertheless. I thought that what I've had before is enough to keep me quiet and content. Is it really human nature to keep wanting for more?

I think not.  i think this is simply a necessity of the stage of life I am in.  While some people swear they can live on their own, I still think no man can be an island. At least not me.

I FEAR growing old by myself. A fear that haunts me like a ghost of the future. And this fear gets stronger as the years go by.  I fear that one day, when I am old, I will wake up with nothing around me, nobody around me.  I fear being useless, not ever needed for anything. Now I understand when people say that growing old by yourself is like a ticking bomb. It is indeed a ticking bomb!

Yes... I do miss a lot of things.  I can write pages and pages of all the things that I miss... but it all boils down to tomorrow.

The big picture: I miss NOT having to worry about tomorrow...